First, I love you so much and am so sad that your baby, Torito, is gone. But, I am glad he's not suffering anymore, and that he had a wonderful, beautiful and loving Mamma.
I'm sorry for this new bit of 'news' you got. What does it mean? Who knows. Really. I say the safest thing to do now, is to put it aside. Not to deny it, or validate it and let it wreck you now. Rather, focus on you. You have so much coming up and that is already happening. Your surgery, your loss....just YOU. Time to be a little selfish.
Remember, everyone has the moment that the switch 'clicks'....and a moment sooner wouldn't be right. You will know what to do, when you just know. If you don't feel moved to do something about this now, then don't. You have so much more to think about. You are a beautiful, strong, amazing, loving woman. I will never forget your sweet voice on the phone to me so many nights when I cried myself to sleep...literally putting me to bed. I can't wait to see you soon!!!! I will come and cook for you, and pamper you (I paint toes really well) and we'll watch movies, and just hang out.
My 2 cents (days late) about the 80/20 thing. As with all things in life, there is a spectrum of situations, and balance. I agree with Liss. It's good to know that we had flaws, and to work on us and take responsibility. But, it's a slippery and very damaging slope to think we could have prevented things, we could have altered someone else's choices...that we "may as well have undressed them and put them in bed." That is degrading to us, and also presumptive of having more control and power in life than you really do. Yes, we could have been better, but the choices of another is not in our hands. There is a VERY FINE balance between self-awareness and absolution of the other party and taking too much of the blame.
Also, I think there is also a spectrum of affairs. I remember when this all first happened to me, I read and read about affairs. And, while I know that xh certainly was seeking something he wasn't getting in our M (blind adoration, worship, and temporary highs that fueled his mania and depression), in my particular case, it's not something that would have been healthy for me to fulfill anyway since he's mentally whacked.
So, his was a variation in the spectrum of affairs. Some are byproducts of crisis or MLC. Some are a product of mental illness - like my psycho xh - who has now taken a church vow of celibacy (WTF). Some are the more 'thought out' 80/20. In those cases, of finding the 20%, it is still a choice. When we got married, or when you commit to anything (like parenthood, jobs, a mortgage), you step in knowing that it will never always be a bed of roses or 100%. But, as an adult you know there are alternatives in how you choose to deal with the missing 20%. Yes, you can bail and have an affair to meet the 20%, thinking it's a 100%. Or you can warn the person. Or you can work on it. And, this is where I disagree that an affair is just a symptom of problems. When a person makes one of these choices, it speaks to how they choose to deal with less than 100% - and that now becomes a problem in itself. It's not to say they can't become better, regret, or never make the same mistake. It is to say that this is a TWO WAY street. You could have been 100%, but they could have chosen to deal with it differently. And, we're not perfect...I can't always know how to be 100% as a person changes. There are ways to safeguard that (like you can safeguard your house with insurance, evaluations at work, and your health with prevention), but it reduces risk...it isn't the complete answer. It's trusting that both parties are mature and have a vested interest to always be open and keep each other and the marriage at a level of integrity. It's taking responsibiliy and accountability on both sides.
Then, there are some people, that simply do just want a piece of ass. That's the 20% that's missing for them. We've all seen these folks in real life (I know I have) and in the media. They never intended on leaving their spouses (wives in my experience), they just wanted something on the side to fill a need they're not getting in the M. It's the scariest thing, because their spouses will never know, the world will never know, on the outside they are loving, and they really think it, too.
I think in the latter 2 cases, it's also mixed with a great sense of entitlement and lack of accountability. You are entitled to fulfill the 20% as you choose absolving you from accountability.
Long and rambling...sorry.
My love to you....always remember that someone as precious as you can only think about this rational so much....it's not the way you choose to live life....but, it is, sadly, the world, life and people.
