Yes we have had R talks. I pressed her about him about three times after I found out she was talking to him but then on 4/25 it was bad because I found a VFW card in her wallet and I knew he was in the service and the only one who could have gotten it for her. I assumed they had been out for drinks, dinner and who knows what else. She said she had not and has not talked to him since she told him I knew and was going to work on our M. She also said that with me pushing so much it makes her want to talk to him. I knew I made a mistake first by snooping and second by confronting her. She still claimed they are just friends and nothing was between them but I don't want to play the fool.
After that I backed way off. Wanted to give her space and time to cool off. I needed to get ready for starting a business and getting my personal stuff in order because I have been at the same company for 23 years. I stated buying new clothes, golfing more, staying after my golf league and having a drink. Doing more scout stuff with my son.
Things don't seem to have improved much over the last month because I knew she was not very happy about me invading her privacy. On June 1st the day before I put in my resignation I had a talk with her. I did take responsibility for my action, my anger and for not being there for her when she needed me. I told her that she was not the reason for my unhappyness and that I should never of let her think it was her responsibility to make me happy it was mine. I also said if I had been more attuned to her needs she would not of had to go outside the M to find it.
She responded by saying she still has not talked to him and that some days she feels like connecting with me and others time she wants out but other than that I did all the talking.
As far as the new busniess , yes I have kept her informed. That is most of our conversations now. I do most of the talking because that is a 180 for me since she did most of it thoughout our M. It also helps me get a small amout of info from her. She has been very tight liped since 4/25.
I also have been really trying to pay attention. Looking into her eyes, turning off tv's and trying to repeat everything she says in my head so that I stay focused on her and nothing else.
I try and get her out alone when I can. The great thing about my kids is they don't like going out to eat often so when I say lets go out to eat with the kids most times they want to stay home and I get a date without it seeming like a date. And yes we are still in the same bed but I do not feel comfortable enough to snuggle up to her, I'm not sure this would be presuing or not. Thats why I have been moving to the couch in the morning. That seems to be when I am the weakest and want her the most.
OK. Drop the R talks..no more. She knows you get it by saying that you do now show her you get it by your actions. I want you to chit chat her up..chat about her day. NO FREAKIN R TALKS..if she initaitates then you listen and validate. if sdhe gets tired of chatting then you back off andf let her be.
Keep doing the Gal's.
She's pissed cause you snooped. She does not trust you not to do that now. No more snooping. If you feel the urge to snoop then take a hammer and hit your thumb or something. Don't snoop. There's nothing else you need to know right now. IMO. If she starts acting out of cahracter then I would worry a bit..but for now..stop snooping. You need to earn her trust again.
You need to finish DR then read it again. Don't let her see it.
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I also have been really trying to pay attention. Looking into her eyes, turning off tv's and trying to repeat everything she says in my head so that I stay focused on her and nothing else.
The are lots of books on activly listening. When she talks, really listen. Look in her eyes, no distractions. Ask her open ended questions. Listen and validate. Show her empathy for any problem she has but don't fix it for her. if she is going out to dinner with her then it's the perfect time to do this..just keep your mouth shut, listen and make small talk. Be her friend.
Stay in the bed. Don't leave the bed. Even though you can't snuggle it keeps a connection with her. If you or her leave the bed then the connection is broken. Don't worry about wanting her or snuggling..that can come later on. Right now you want connection with no pressure. Stay in the bed, keep your hands off her. if she iniatiates then go with it, if not then hands off.
