A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[1hope]

A big good morning from H this morning. He pushed for reply when I was slow in responding.

Also got a big hug from him, and he said he is sorry he is hurting me. Doesn't want to hurt me but doesn't understand why he feels the way he does. Says it is probably MLC. Says just give him his space and not push him or chase after him. Duh?

Guess I need to keep sleeping in the den. He can pursue me when he's ready. I need to detach.

[TwinDad]

Hope sorry for the Rollercoaster....it does hurt so much. Part of me is just waiting for the downward ride again. It sounds like you have been doing a good job not pursuiting him and have been very compassionate. The good news is that he realizes that it is to do with him and he isn't blaming you for the most part aside from the puppet master thinks he is a puppet. There does seem to be a lot of guilt in him for feeling this way.

During the midst of the last 8 months, my W would spend a lot of time out at bars drinking with her fiends coming home very looped. At one point she even said she was probably having a MLC and that she just needed to run wild for 6 months and that she would probably come back. I think I just looked at her not knowing what to say if anything (my pre DB days!)

I don't want to pry too much, but Why isn't he the one sleeping in the den? At the very least he is the man, aren't we the ones that are supposed to sleep on the couch

Do you think he would benefit from going away a week with oneof his happily married friends on a golfing trip or something like that? Or maybe you and your GF could take a trip somewhere and see how he feels about missing out on the fun?

When you said you didn't think you were in love with him during a certain part of your M, did you see a counselor during that time.

[1hope]

Twin,

Keep your fingers crossed that we don't have rain this weekend. H is supposed to go on a fishing trip with a friend that is close to both of us, the exact same age as H, and whose own wife went thru BC a few years prior to me. I can't think of anyone that I would rather have him get away with! I pray for good weather because the fishing is out on the big lake, and they will not go if weather is bad. This trip just came together last night. Amazing how things work out, isn't it?

My H is a big, tall guy. Sometimes he will sleep on the living room sofa, but the one in the den is too small for him. If he is in the living room and I go up to the bedroom he will come up within an hour. He does seem to pursue me throughout the house. Night time seems to be the time his confusion/fears set in, and he initiates the painful and pointless venting. If I am sleeping in the den, there is no way he can join me. I want to make more of a point in distancing, so that he will miss me. I guess it really doesn’t matter where I end up sleeping in the house, I am just going to make a point of NOT being with him.

One of the things that he said this morning was that he feels like a young calf that has been cooped up in the barn all winter. (He was raised on a beef farm) He said he feels like he just needs to bust out, and run wild for a while. That seems very like what your wife said.

I did see a counselor during the period of our marriage that I did not feel in love with him. She was not very good and it was not solution based. I went because I felt like it was something I should be doing, and I can’t say that it really helped me much. It probably was more of a sounding board for some of the left over pain from my first M.

[TwinDad]

One of the things that he said this morning was that he feels like a young calf that has been cooped up in the barn all winter. (He was raised on a beef farm) He said he feels like he just needs to bust out, and run wild for a while.

Tell him if he isn't careful you will turn him into a steer.....just kidding. I imagine alot of these MLCers feel like that.

I was just thinkin if your counseling was beneficial for you then you could relate that to him if he asked.

I will definitly be praying for you. PLease pray for good weather on the gulf coast. We are taking the kids to the beach from Thuirs. This was my W's idea. She said she wanted to get away and mentioned that we didn't go anywhere for our 11th Anniversary (we usually do)....sound slike she wants to celebrate it a little bit .....cautiously optimistic. The trip might do him some good, sometimes us guys do talk to one another every once in a while. Maybe this person went through some similar expereinces and your H may be able to relate to him.

[1hope]

I'm placing an order for good weather all around. We are by the Great Lakes.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. It is a very good sign that your W wants to celebrate your anniversary. That is the first thing that "went" when my H started this MLC business.

Maybe someday we will be able to lose the caution. Until then, enjoy yourself and make lots of good memories, but also guard your heart. I know, it sure sucks.

I don't know if these guys will talk together or not, I hope so, but just being in the boat will be good for his soul. I have lots to do this weekend, another open house etc. I would really like to have some distance between us.

The guys have golf this evening. My GF and I are going to meet later for dinner. My goal is to NOT be home waiting when he gets home.

[1hope]

Need some quick advice here.... I don't know how to handle this.

H called me at work this am to tell me he had picked up his check and it was short, only $1200.00 because of the bad weather we have been having. He was going to deposit $1,000 and keep $200. I said "well are you going to need more?" He said no.

So, I just checked our account on line and the check amount was $1,397.91 so he kept almost $400, not $200. The amount of the money doesn't bother me, but the lie does!

Do I let it go, or do I say something?

[1hope]

Is this one of the areas that I let him not feel controlled?

Money has been an issue for several years because he was working in a family business and was not being paid regularly. It was a big problem area for us with many, many bitter battles.

Now he has a different job and is making good money. What bothers me is that he told me an outright lie. I am afraid that if he is telling lies about this I can't trust him about other things....

Should I just let this go? Maybe watch what happens in the future?

[TwinDad]

Hope,

I think I would let this go. If you confront him then he will feel you are smoothering him and controlling him. You are also not giving him space which is what he asked for. It is ugly that he felt the need to lie, but then snooping isn't much better. I have been guilty of that myself. I wish I never felt the need to do that.....it would have made my life a lot less stressful. If it was me, I would kind of wait it out and just observe (if you want), but then I am kind of a passive person. If you two are not having difficulty paying the bills, then I wouldn't make an issue of it.

If you confront him, there will be a fight....just about guaranteed. This might be a time to do something nice for yourself.

[1hope]

There has been difficulty paying the bills for many years, we are just starting to get caught up since he left the family business and now has a better paying job. But 197.00 from this paycheck will not hurt us. It's the LIE that hurts me. It brings with it the fear that he might me lying about other things.

Is it snooping when it's a joint checking account????

I am becoming more passive every day. I need to haul out my faith and know that this too will be taken care of. It's not worth the fight and I'm tired of being Mom and confronting him with the fact that I caught him in another lie.

Maybe I will do something nice for myself. Maybe some "retail therapy" when he is on his fishing trip this weekend.

Thank you for your comments. Also for sharing your viewpoint on snooping. The stress is not worth it.

[TwinDad]

Is it snooping when it's a joint checking account????

Yeah it is unfortunately, at least when you go on online right away to see what the truth is. I agree the lie does hurt quite a bit and it can play demons on your mind.

I just want you to know that I am not judging you, I have done the same thing, I'm just trying to give his perspective.

If you have the means then retail therapy always help! Little lie or not, if your H is having fun then you should allow yourself to have fun as well.