Hi na, I'm new to your sitch but a suggestion is to run a credit check. You can get one free per quarter, google it. I don't think finances is something to ignore but it is a big hurdle to handle jointly and successfully when there is only one playing for the home team.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I just got my free credit reports last month. Thanks. What's so frustrating to me is that I don't see why h and I can't work on this as a team. If he's honest about not gambling, then what does he have to hide?
Hi NA, I have never posted to you before but after reading this last thread all I can say is we lead very parallel lives. My H and I reconciled a year ago and he will be home a year tomorrow.
The distrust and frantic feeling you get when you think he is not being totally open with you is very natural and over time it fades.
I still get worried if H is late coming home from work and I don't think he is stuck in traffic...I automatically think OW. In the beginning I used to get moody toward him...I finally brought it up in MC and the MC told me that if I didn't express my feelings about my anxiety I could not be angry with H because he is not a mind reader.
When H came home I was so afraid to rock the boat. I did not want to be a doormat but I was afraid if we argued then he would bolt for the door. Over time this feeling has gone away completely. If we argue now it is productive and we get over it faster. I am very open with my feelings with H. The only difference is that I phrase things differently and present things with a different tone. (I can be very b!tchy toward him if I am upset!)
I think you should sit down with H and all the finances and ask him what his debt is so you can design a budget. Make the environment friendly and if he admits to gambling don't freak. Handle it with a cool head. He may not want to tell you something because he thinks he knows what your reaction would be. Now is the time to change that...do a 180 and be understanding. If you are angry then tell him. Just do it in a way that he understands you are still on his side.
My H and I get along really well now...we did before but now it is different...more mutual respect I think?? I also look at our R as a second chance to make things great. Many people on these boards would love to be in the position we are in...I consider myself very lucky to have a chance at my M.
Piecing is not easy at all...there are days that I wonder why I do it! The hardest part is having the patience to regain trust and respect one day at a time.
I totally understand NA, and I agree. The only thing is, what can YOU do and control to get you to where you want to be. That's why I bring up ideas. It's not to say that's what you should do for sure, but possibly trying other means to ultimately get the result you want.
perhaps asking him if he would help you make a budget? The thing about you asking him about stuff is going to make it seem like you don't trust him and you want to be in control of it, and he's going to be reluctant to oblige. So, maybe try to think of a way to make it be HIS idea, or let him be in charge somehow and he will be less defensive about it.
does that make sense?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thanks for jumping in! I really appreciate a new perspective and I love to hear success stories.
I've also moved away from being b*tchy when I'm upset- I think I'm addressing things in a more reasonable manner these days. The past year has finally forced me to grow up!
As far as the finances go, I'm looking at it from the DB philosophy of "asking for what you want." I want us to be able to set a budget and be open with where our money is going. I also want him to not be afraid to tell me what's going on with him.
Hi ST,
I've been thinking about what I can control since last night and then I read your post this morning:
Quote:
what can YOU do and control to get you to where you want to be.
You are right. Ultimately, I can only control what I do and my reaction to what he does. I need to try not to tighten the reigns on him or he's going to back off.
Quote:
perhaps asking him if he would help you make a budget?
I like this idea (are you and momof2girls working together? I think I'm going to back off on mentioning the finance discussion for a week or so and see if he brings it up. If not, I'll bring it up again by asking if he could sit down with me and try to develop a household budget. Tell him that it would make me feel more secure financially. How does that sound?
actually, I'm way better at giving the advice than taking it. aren't we all though.
I think giving some time is a good idea. maybe even getting H to schedule an appointment with you lol. one thing I've learned, is to try to let them have some control, and to find the right times to do things. I think that's a big issue with men, is that it's almost just as annoying to them WHEN we bring things up as opposed to WHAT we bring up. I think your idea is good, and you just have to try and see what works on him. maybe give him an incentive for working the budget with you. tell him he gets a nice massage or something afterwards.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Wanting to become more involved with the finances was something I wanted to change in myself, I realized that I was not helping, I was not good at it and wanted to be better. So I realized I had and wanted to change.
Both ST and Mom made a good suggestion to try and involve him with it, and make it friendly and relaxed. Tell him you want his help with a budget, that you could really use his help with a budget and sticking to it, and involve him with it on all levels, you will quickly determine what aspects of it he might even enjoy helping out with, focus on those.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Now I see that when I bring up $, I am never friendly or relaxed. That is something that I can control and change, so I'm going to try and do something different the next time I bring it up.
It's hard for me to see his side because finance and budgets are my thing (work) and it comes very easy to me. He hasn't expressed any problems with the way I'm handling the finances or shown me any willingness to get involved.
I think I'll think about this tomorrow.
Positives: We are planning a weekend away for just the 2 of us. A sweet friend has offered to take care of the kids for a weekend so h and I can "reconnect."
He started to clean the garage yesterday WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK!
that is awesome NA! I hope your weekend is truly a rebuilding and reconnecting time.
On the finances. I've come to realize that some men just don't act like anything even if inside they DO feel something. I think part of it is that they just let us do whatever to avoid the conflict that might happen if they do something different. So perhaps your H would like to be involved, and like you said, be pleasant and calm about it, and you might be surprised?
remember to act as if. I think we are usually apprehensive and not pleasant and calm because we are anticipating a not so good response when we talk with our spouse about finances. Remember Michelle's flight home? remember her talk on the plane and that she changed her mind how she would approach her H when she got off the plane? and guess what, she was happily surprised by his reaction!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think I'm going to back off on mentioning the finance discussion for a week or so and see if he brings it up. If not, I'll bring it up again by asking if he could sit down with me and try to develop a household budget. Tell him that it would make me feel more secure financially. How does that sound?