Val, I agree with Jack. Don't let your mind jump to conclusions.
I hate when people (not here) say to me "I bet you the ow is going to end up pregnant so she can lock your H into a relationship."
How in the world does that help me? It doesn't, it just adds to my anxiety.
We have to tune these people out.
Your friend shouldn't be telling you something that she doesn't know for a fact.
p.s. I had a dog that died and my other dog didn't eat for a week after either. Just give her lots of hugs and kisses and special treats. Eventually she'll start to come around.
First, I love you so much and am so sad that your baby, Torito, is gone. But, I am glad he's not suffering anymore, and that he had a wonderful, beautiful and loving Mamma.
I'm sorry for this new bit of 'news' you got. What does it mean? Who knows. Really. I say the safest thing to do now, is to put it aside. Not to deny it, or validate it and let it wreck you now. Rather, focus on you. You have so much coming up and that is already happening. Your surgery, your loss....just YOU. Time to be a little selfish.
Remember, everyone has the moment that the switch 'clicks'....and a moment sooner wouldn't be right. You will know what to do, when you just know. If you don't feel moved to do something about this now, then don't. You have so much more to think about. You are a beautiful, strong, amazing, loving woman. I will never forget your sweet voice on the phone to me so many nights when I cried myself to sleep...literally putting me to bed. I can't wait to see you soon!!!! I will come and cook for you, and pamper you (I paint toes really well) and we'll watch movies, and just hang out.
My 2 cents (days late) about the 80/20 thing. As with all things in life, there is a spectrum of situations, and balance. I agree with Liss. It's good to know that we had flaws, and to work on us and take responsibility. But, it's a slippery and very damaging slope to think we could have prevented things, we could have altered someone else's choices...that we "may as well have undressed them and put them in bed." That is degrading to us, and also presumptive of having more control and power in life than you really do. Yes, we could have been better, but the choices of another is not in our hands. There is a VERY FINE balance between self-awareness and absolution of the other party and taking too much of the blame.
Also, I think there is also a spectrum of affairs. I remember when this all first happened to me, I read and read about affairs. And, while I know that xh certainly was seeking something he wasn't getting in our M (blind adoration, worship, and temporary highs that fueled his mania and depression), in my particular case, it's not something that would have been healthy for me to fulfill anyway since he's mentally whacked.
So, his was a variation in the spectrum of affairs. Some are byproducts of crisis or MLC. Some are a product of mental illness - like my psycho xh - who has now taken a church vow of celibacy (WTF). Some are the more 'thought out' 80/20. In those cases, of finding the 20%, it is still a choice. When we got married, or when you commit to anything (like parenthood, jobs, a mortgage), you step in knowing that it will never always be a bed of roses or 100%. But, as an adult you know there are alternatives in how you choose to deal with the missing 20%. Yes, you can bail and have an affair to meet the 20%, thinking it's a 100%. Or you can warn the person. Or you can work on it. And, this is where I disagree that an affair is just a symptom of problems. When a person makes one of these choices, it speaks to how they choose to deal with less than 100% - and that now becomes a problem in itself. It's not to say they can't become better, regret, or never make the same mistake. It is to say that this is a TWO WAY street. You could have been 100%, but they could have chosen to deal with it differently. And, we're not perfect...I can't always know how to be 100% as a person changes. There are ways to safeguard that (like you can safeguard your house with insurance, evaluations at work, and your health with prevention), but it reduces risk...it isn't the complete answer. It's trusting that both parties are mature and have a vested interest to always be open and keep each other and the marriage at a level of integrity. It's taking responsibiliy and accountability on both sides.
Then, there are some people, that simply do just want a piece of ass. That's the 20% that's missing for them. We've all seen these folks in real life (I know I have) and in the media. They never intended on leaving their spouses (wives in my experience), they just wanted something on the side to fill a need they're not getting in the M. It's the scariest thing, because their spouses will never know, the world will never know, on the outside they are loving, and they really think it, too.
I think in the latter 2 cases, it's also mixed with a great sense of entitlement and lack of accountability. You are entitled to fulfill the 20% as you choose absolving you from accountability.
Long and rambling...sorry.
My love to you....always remember that someone as precious as you can only think about this rational so much....it's not the way you choose to live life....but, it is, sadly, the world, life and people.
MrsH...OMG...OMG....OMG...i feel so overwhelmed by everything...
No one has ever told me that the OW would end up pregnant...I have no idea if there really is OW...although odds are there are ow in his life...whatever. I really try not to think about that...not because I am in denial about it (well maybe I am a little...) but in truth, it is because those op don't matter.
I know she shouldn't be telling me something she doesn't know for a fact. Like: Hey, LL is that your gf and is she pregnant with your kid?" and if he said Yes...then we would ALL know for a fact...otherwise, it is just wild speculation.
I am so glad you all are here for me in my times of madness...
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
That is it in a nutshell, my sweet! I know I do...whatever that may be...
My sweet boy was suffering and it pained me to see him that way so he took the high road and I will miss him for the rest of my life...you're also right that this is the time to think about ME.I can hardly wait for you to come over and paint my nails now...LOL!
Geez, my flaws....too numerous to mention...still working on those, what can I say?
I agree that some people only ALWAYS give the 80% knowing that they can get a 'piece' on the side. I feel sorry for these people. They are so hollow.
I do believe that LL has a sense of entitlement to go whoring around these days...
Can hardly wait for this particular distasteful journey is over...I am sure there will be others...but I hope not as bad as this...
I am ready for sunshine...
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
"may as well have undressed them and put them in bed." That is degrading to us, and also presumptive of having more control and power in life than you really do
That statement was directed to me alone. No one else, as it fit my situation, please don't twist my words.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi Vali, I am sorry that this story is stressing you out. You sure could do without it. But like everybody says, you don't know anything about it. So just let it go. (((HUGS)))
