Did I diappoint you

[mishka422]

Michelle,

IMO, let him have what he wants. He's viewing this as a battle with you, not as the dissolving of a life. He feels he has to win this battle. Let him. He's a shattered man and no amount of arguing with him about D or S is going to help that. He'll only dig his heels in deeper.

I'm sorry he is being such a major a$$munch. He's very unhappy and I think he's realizing that the OW, deployment, job, school.....none of them mean anything to him. He thinks he's ridding himself of the last piece of his life that may be causing his unhappiness....his M. He has to find out the hard way that you are not his problem either, he is.

I'm thinking of you Michelle.

Take care of you today.

Ali - seriously......you'll sneak tea in just about anywhere won't you?

[Abbey]

My test is in 7 hours and 40 minutes.

I cannot figure out what is going on with him other than he sees this deployment as a clean break from everything - me, OW, mediocre grades in school, being broke, etc. He's running from his problems, and he wants a clean start. So he's trying to bully me into signing this summary dissolution so he can leave with no unfinished business???

Michelle, I've seen this with mine on and off since February. A sort of manic confusion that causes them to start rifle-firing (pardon the pun) decisions and demands and visions of their future, and what they're going to do with their future and, and, and!!!!. And yes, the cap is they're running - trying to run as far as they can from their own internal conflict. Their brain is in some sort of pop-rock eruption. They'll change their mind about all sorts of things they've said 100 times in the next few weeks. Mine wanted to dig out the basement, put on an addition, buy all kinds of expensive fencing for the house etc etc etc.

Like you, *hugs* ... I had my own crying bought about a week ago. I didn't think it was possible to cry that hard and that long. (Thankfully, I was an Avon addict for a couple of years and have lots of potions and lotions to experiment with to hide the blue rings and bags under my eyes.) *smile*

Seriously though... What came out the other side is a week of finally connecting some of the dots of my suspicions and finally some answers of why my H thinks they way he does about me being the villain and things like I betrayed him etc. As you and I figured out a few months ago, you and I have the less common situation in that we HAD full lives and so we had to try to balance getting a life with not seeming self absorbed while doing it etc. Never the less our spouses view us as 100% responsible for the marriage break down, regardless of how hard we DB etc.

I had to, (and I urge you) to realize that our spouses have "process" they need to go through and what they have to go through is such a labyrinth that we just need to say "uncle" and accept that there's absolutely nothing we can do can guide them - especially when their go through these brain melt downs. Sadly, we have to LET GO. Let go more than the DB books suggest even. Uhm... put this in the hands of a higher power. Put this into a place where you feel your sadness and then put it back on that shelf for your own sanity. You'll find strength from that. It will PROTECT YOU, I swear. And yeah, I still cry at things that remind me of H. (Hell the parking lot where I now have to do my groceries reminds me of H because we shopped there one day last summer and have an amazing happy day together.) This next phase ...It's hard, but you're strong, you're wonderful and you WILL get through the other end of this.

Leave the door opened a 1/4 of an inch (it's enough to open up back the love, you and I both know that in our hearts).... (it's also enough btw, to give yourself some peace to be able to periodically distance yourself enough to say F-you when you need to - without slamming the door completely shut - which if we've all probably pondered, and gotten frustrated enough to want tod do at various times etc.) Just leave the door opened that little, little bit. It's enough and it's huge but also compact enough to give you that safety zone you need emotionally right now, if you get what I'm saying.

And now... when dealing with him, be firm ... and oddly enough... I suggest that you make the appearance of being "nice" and business like. (180). If there comes a time where he leaves you NO choice but to hammer back hard,... you'll have the energy for that. And if you can, always pass decisions you need to make to the next day. Give yourself 24 hours (AT LEAST) to make any decision. Anger, and frustration can make us brain dead and escalate their brain eruptions into even more erratic behavior.

EG: listen to their rant, smile, delay your decision, and then be calm, rational and don't let yourself be derailed from your control.

Big, big, BIG, hugs to you.
Abbey

[klm]

He thinks he's ridding himself of the last piece of his life that may be causing his unhappiness....his M. He has to find out the hard way that you are not his problem either, he is.

I agree with this. I think he does have to find out the hard way that you are not the cause of his unhappiness. He is definitely running from his problems by volunteering for another deployment.

I remember after my H had filed and I had already moved back home I asked him if he was finally happy. He had everything he wanted, he was living with OW, I was gone and we were just waiting on the judge to grant the D. He told me "The stress of the D is clouding my happiness." It wasn't stressful, we had agreed on everything and I was 1000 miles away....but he was still blaming me for his unhappiness.

Unfortunately I think your H may need this D or at least a LS to prove to him that it isn't the magic bullet.

I am so glad you are finished with you last exam ever!! I hope you are doing ok today.

[Abbey]

My head tells me that's what I have to do. But I don't know if I can...

You're going to go through bouts of this... yes,no,yes,no for a while. Take a step back... was their over the last 2 weeks, (thus why I haven't been around much). You'll get through the other end of this... I promise. Accept that it MIGHT be over... but don't slam the door. I mentioned above that there's some sanity saving things you can do. Hang in there.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

(((Abbey))) (((Kris))) (((Michelle))) (((Jeff))) (((Ali))) (((Everyone else!!!))))

The bruises are still there. Ugh.

We shall see what today brings. We'll see if H even contacts me.

For the moment, I'm off to work.

[Kalni]

Have a better day today (((Michelle...)))

K

[LolaL]

Good morning (((Michelle))) Just dropping in to see how you are doing today. I am keeping you in my prayers and hoping you have a better day.

Lola XXXOOO Feel better...

[MichelleLT]

Today is shaping up to be mildly better.

I managed to give my boss the quick summary version about why I am tired and look like crap without turning into a weepy puddle, which is always a good thing.

Now I just have to survive the day.

[NikB]

((((Michelle))))

Good job explaning all that and staying "OK".

[MichelleLT]

(((Nik))) (((Kalni))) (((Lola))) (((Jeff)))

You guys are awesome!!!!!!!!