when I called d at h's place last night, you should have heard how smug he sounded. "oh, she's playing right now, she LOVES the daycare here". I didn't even go there. I just asked if I could say goodnight to d.
he it literally acting like he's won. game over. I AM stronger, but it's still scary.
I feel like he just wants to destroy me totally. he's got ow (and her kid), now he "thinks" he has d (no child support to pay, hurt me more, etc) and he's got the divorce papers my dad payed for. I'm in anger right now so please forgive me when I say I f'ing hate him. but I'm proud of myself that I've been on my best behavior. I feel like every move I make in his presence in being monitered and wil be used against me.
but why is it all about ME?? what about HIM???? breaking up the family, having affair, LEAVING us!!!
so, if "lose" her during the week (school week), should I just go back to nyc? I can't stay in the huge house here upstate if she's not here. I was staying here because we own it and because we chose to put her in school here last sept. instead of dealing with the whole nyc school hell.
my life is really still in the city. my friends, al-anon meetings, my job is actually based out of the city, I don't know. I know I'm speaking negatively, but the "not knowing" is killing me and I have to figure out a way at least for the next few days to feel that life "could" go on if I do lose her during the week.
again, the one thing this has done for me is literally close any and all feelings (in the romantic sense) for h. yes, he is the father of my d, and I will always love him for that and he's been a good dad, for sure, but I can't be in a marriage with someone who is capable of what he has put me through, forget the past 4 months, just the past 2 weeks!!
