Things aren't looking good. I feel like I'm in birth pangs and I need to hold on, confident that the process will yield a miracle. But in the meantime, I'm sweating, cussing, in intense pain, scared, doubting my ability to get through the birthing, etc.
My H is in a full blown relationship now. He was supposed to come see D8's recital this past week but complained he didn't have enough for gas. We texted him and called him all weekend, letting him know different fun things about the kids or that we missed him. He never answered. Then on Sunday night, he called and said he had a migraine all weekend. I had that sick feeling I get when someone is in my "space". I knew he was lying. We talked for a little bit and he tried to start something sexual with me, saying I was the best ever and that he knew he would always love me and that he wasn't feeling good but that he knew some action from me would make him feel much better, etc. I discovered last night through some of my "super secret ninja squirrel" techniques that she spent the weekend down there with him. I saw her myspace page and it says something like "I have a wonderful boyfriend, what more could I ask for?" I felt sick. But in a catty kind of way, I was amused to see that she wasn't very attractive and had small saggy boobs. lol She is quite accomplished thoughl... a paralegal and private investigator, has a bachelor's degree and associates degree, has a background in business management and accounting. Yeah, I felt like the frumpy, no brain housewife for sure.
Anyway, I really want to quit. Come on guys, tell me I can quit. My heart can't take much more. I don't really think I want this guy who is so adept at leading a double life. I also found out that he has had an eharmony acct since April. Hm, wonder how he paid for that....oh yeah, with the money that was supposed to FEED HIS KIDS.
The emotional abuse for so long is trying desperately to make me forget who I am. I have difficulty remember my good qualities, etc.
Now, there's not only no internet at our house, but the phones are turned off, too. I'm at McD's using the WiFi. I paid a portion of the house phone and hoping they will turn it back on soon. This "came to pass", right? It didn't come to STAY? I hope not. I just keep thinking about all of the labor I endured, thinking I wasn't going to survive....but I did. I just don't want to lose ME in the process.
I decided to file separation papers, find out the difference between spousal support and alimony and am also considering filing "alienation of affection" on his part against his girlfriend. I have her full name, address and phone number. I won't call it because I have certainly learned that that type of behavior is a "cheeseless tunnel". I considered sending her a link to my blogspot blog so she could see what was really going on in his life that he walked away from but thought better of it. What I did do though is in a post on my blog put his full name (as in, "I don't know how much longer I will be Mrs. ............"). Since she is a private investigator and also has a child, that tells me something about her personality. It is fairly likely that as she gets more serious with butthead, she will want to do a little "research". I'm hoping it will come up in Google.
Well, the clock is ticking so I have to go. Pray for me. I'm really starting to have difficulty with confusion, broken thinking, forgetfulness, etc. I think my thyroid levels are low so I asked the dr to order labs but I really think the stress is what's doing it.
