He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

Hi Kris.

Well, another bomb was dropped yesterday. He is moving out next Monday. And on the advice of his therapist with how to tell Ds we are not to tell them until right before. So what a GREAT Father's Day they will have with him. They are going to have a great day, then that night he will inform them he is moving out the next day.

I'm devestated. He has told me that I stand a better chance with him here than if he leaves when I had suggested separation before. If this was us getting space I think I could somewhat cope, but I know for him, it's just the next step on the way to divorce.

We ML 4 time since Friday. I mean, we are so compatable in that area right now. We have been getting along better, he says I'm a great Mom , and a good person, and that he has noticed all my changes. Yet, nothing has changed, and it won't. Period.

I'm just heartbroken. And not just for me and my girls, but for him too. I know he just wants to be happy again, and he wants to feel that he is moving forward. Why can he not see, that THAT can happen WITH me. I told him this is our definining moment of our marriage and somewhat of our lives. I told him that I think the difference between the 50% that divorce and the 50% that stay together is how they react in THIS moment.

I totally jacked up DB. We had big talks yesterday when the latest bomb was dropped. And I told him I'd always love him, and always be here for him. I told him that this wasn't a battle of wills, it was me feeling SO much in my heart and with every fiber in my being that we are about to make the biggest mistake.

I'm just dreading this bomb on my girls. It's going to be horrible. And he seems to think they are going to handle it ok with us simply saying we love them, and we are still a family, but that out family is just changing a bit. The thing is our D6 is 6 going on 13. She's so smart and intuitive, and I KNOW will take this so much harder than that.

We have so many more big talks to have this week to figure out visitation. The place he will be staying is a friends house, and he doesn't intend to do overnights there. So we have to figure out stuff like that.

I'm just so heartbroken that he is so jaded, that he cannnot even imagine how great it could be. I told him in so many ways, this could end up being the GREATEST thing to happen to us. We are communicating in ways that we never have. We have the opportunity now to build what we both want. To be totally open.

I told him there was a time that he loved me and never could imagine those feelings changing. That if anyone had told him, he would have said no way. So why is he just SO sure that the feelings he has now (no love) cannot change.

God, I love this man. He is such a good man, a great father, a wonderful husband, and the love of my life. I want to give him everything, and if I truly didn't think I could give him what he needs and deserves, as much as it would kill me, I would let him go. But I know in my heart we could have it all. All those dreams, and a great and happy marriage. But that I can't prove it to him today.

He says he thinks that I can change a lot of things, and that some things he things I could change now, but that they would slide back in time (namely our sex life).

I told him if I was just changing it for HIM, then he would probably be right. But that I'm not. I want that better sex life too. I am back with a new Dr. to try to fix my issues down there. I am going to go to therapy to finally deal with the sexual abuse. The only reason I'm not there now, is the therapist flat out told me it will be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and that I need to be in a stronger place emotionally to go through that. We've had some of the best sex (physically, not emotionally) in the last 2 months since we were first dating. And I've really enjoyed it.

Sex had become a have to. A predictable thing. We've done some things we've never done lately, and it's been so much fun and interesting.

I have NEVER lied to this man a day in our 12 years. Never. Why he cannot trust me to know that I am capable and willing to change these things I just do not understand.

I'm so terrified of this separation. Just terrified. How do I suddenly just talk to him on business and schedules only? God I want him so bad, and I know I could make him so happy.

I told him that while I thought of course we both could find new people, new relationships and they'd be fine. The fact is, is it would be new. You would be learning about that person. Their history, their baggage. What's to say he wouldn't find someone that down the road he'd realize he had communication issue with too so long after the fact.

I told him that's what is so confusing to me. He has someone in front of him right now that truly has an understanding of him, where he has come from, what his goals and dreams are, and what his needs are. This person that he has SO many other good things with. And this person that has promised to dedicate her life to creating happiness for all of us. And yet, it seems easier to start with an unknown than all that good? I just don't get it.

Anyway, sorry. If anyone got through this, you deserve a medal.

Chris