I agree, "the my way or the highway" is certainly no way to go, but this could have been an opportunity to negotiate. To try to find out why this was so important and possibly work to some happy medium instead of shooting it down.
I had a similar conversation with my W. She wanted to move our entire family to North Carolina, give up both of our careers and move to a place where we didn't have any family. Instead of listening to her and why she wanted to go, I came up with all these reasons why we shouldn't.
In hindsight, I should have expressed what my concerns were and what her motives were and try to work out a plan on how to alleviate my concerns and meet her goals. That is just my sitch, one of the things I would have handled better.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Well I'm not sure what "action" I can take at this point. We had a fire alarm go off at work today and had to evacuate all the patients out of the building. In the chaos, I left my cell phone inside. When it was safe to go back in, I checked my phone. I had missed calls from h 4:56, 4:57, 4:58, then a text message ANSWER UR PHONE. So I called him back, at 5:05 and he was on the other line and didn't click over. I called again around 5:30 when I was leaving work. He said the only reason he called was because he was near the day-care center and wanted to know when I was picking up the kids so maybe he could see them, but then he got a call (he was at work) and had to leave the area. Then his usual, "I gotta go. Bye."
He didn't answer the phone when the kids called to say good-night. He then called about 12:10am. He asked if I just called him. I said no. He said he got a call from a resticted number and thought it must have been me. Then as always, "I gotta go. Bye."
What "action" is he possibly going to see when he won't even make small talk with me? I tried asking him how work was going when I called this afternoon, and was told "I gotta go."
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
That is a tough one. Do you two sometimes do stuff as a family even though you are separated? Maybe go to the Aquarium or the Zoo, I'm just thinking out loud, thinking about a "neutral" setting where the focus can be away from the R and on the kids and give you an opportunity to "show" him who you are. Right now though he sounds like he doesn't want to talk about anything, is he always like that. The fact that he would bother calling you thinking you called him at midnight is a bit odd though?
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
This weekend is his grandmothers birthday party. His mother informed me that I would be going so I guess that means I'm invited. H has to work that day, but said he would try to get it off. So, likely I'll see him then.
Our sons birthday is the 23rd.
Oh yes, our anniversary is July 1. What a pleasant day that should be.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Looks like some opportunities to "show" him what you are about. The anniversary is a tough one. I just recently had mine in May. About 2 days before we were selling our dream home that we built together and becoming separated. I made reservations at a nice restaurant. She told me she didn't want to celebrate our anniversary. I told her who said anything about celebrating. I am just looking to go out and relax. She first said no, then changed her mind. We ended up having a decent time, to the point where she talked about going out afterwards but then got tired.....
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
What "action" is he possibly going to see when he won't even make small talk with me?
Go over the "longstanding list of arguments". Resolve something. There's something that he doesnt have to have a discussion with you about, for you to take action on. You just have to decide that you are going to resolve an issue, in a way that you know will be agreeable to him, so there is no arguing needed.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Tennessee Cleaning the house Cleaning the car Paying the bills on time Disciplining the kids
So...all of these would require him to be AROUND to see. I did manage to get all the bills out this month on time. I'll clean the car before I go to his grandmas in case the see it there...I'm kinda at a loss here.
Why wouldn't he just give mc a try...just to say he tried everything?
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
You can definitely do something about 2,3,5 that he can observe with very little contact and conversation. Like you said show up in a clean car. If he comes over your house to pick up the kids....make sure your house is clean. Disciplining the kids you can practice right in front of him at the party. This is one of the area my W complains about me (I'm a bit of a softy when it comes to my children). The imprtant thing is to make these part of your life style, make the change (if you want to) and stick with it. Then if he comes over numerous times to pick up the kids, then the house will allways be clean. Eventually he will notice. If he says something, I would just say I have been making some changes in my life and leave it at that.
The tennessee thing is a thing to tackle when you to are on better terms.
Quote:
Why wouldn't he just give mc a try...just to say he tried everything?
In his mind he already has, but he seems far from done to me. You can make some of these changes and start to change how he feels.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Our MC told us that 60% of the arguments/problems in the house dont' really have a solution, you work with the other person to reach an agreement, which is something mr.b isnt' able to do.
Tennessee until he shows some respect towards her, why would she move? Cleaning the house she works and cares for the kids, he should also pitch in. Maybe he can do the kitchen floor or one of the bathrooms, that should help her to be able to keep the rest of the house in some order. He is OCD, which aggravates things, so things might not always be done by his standards, he should accept that. Cleaning the car is not a reason to disrespect a spouse nor a S reason, unless her car is filthy/unhealthy I dont' see a reason why this is even an issue. If the situations were reversed, should she be able to give him hell because his car is messy? no! Paying the bills on time something easy to take care of, perhaps try automatic payments if your gas/bill/phone lets you, also, online banking has helped me pay bills on time. Disciplining the kids another biggie in which both of them should talk and compromise. What should the punishments be? what should/shouldn't be tolerated? I know my stbx was irked that I let the kids stay up til very late, I did it because I worked and it was my way to have more time with them, I had no idea he resented me for that, after he came back I made sure they went to bed at 9pm on the dot. Perhaps ask his input about what are his expectations.
Perhaps that could be an opener "H, I understand that we have disagreements about disciplining the kids, can we talk about how best to deal with them? what do you thing about xyz....etc etc". Then go from there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
