I am not sure if I should be here or at MLC since both has happened. MLC is still in full swing, but the affair is over. Dday was 7/6/07, so almost a year (not sure if people use Dday here, but it means discovery of the affair day). Anyway, we immediately went to couples therapy, she told us to seperate after about a month due to my anger and pain, so he moved out for a few months. At Christmas time he moved back in, but his attitude was not good. He is very depressed, says all the things listed in the MLC section of the book. Still says all these things, he isn't in love with me, we aren't compatible, I have too much anger over what he did, etc. I have tried everything. I went to a lawyer and am filing for divorce this week. I don't know what else to do. He will not move out of our house, says he has no where to go and would be happy just living in the basement and raising the kids together, but not be "together". I cannot do that, I want love and a marriage. If I go thru with the divorce, I am going to take the kids and move to my hometown, 500 miles away. I will need the support and such of my family. I don't want to do this, but I see no other option. He was horrible to me during the 8 mo. affair, so really I have been dealing with this for over 18 months. I have tried most of the stuff, but nothing for very long. He goes out every weekend either alone or to play poker, he drinks way too much, and won't respond to anything. I cannot afford the phone consolutations, I have spent too much on therapy already, before I found this site. I want to find someone else, I want to be happy, I want to be loved. He tells me I was never happy with him and never will be.
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
First, breathe. Second, breathe again. Now that that is over, welcome to the best support site for the crummiest situation. Your sitch and mine sound very similar except H wanted to move out and left 3 months ago. Once I found out about the A, I packed up my S and moved 120 miles away to get peace.
As far as filing for D, let me suggest that you take a moment before doing so. It sound like you are in a very emotional state and are wanting to file as a knee jerk reaction. I suggest only filing when you have come to complete peace with where you are at. Getting a D will not make the pain or problems go away, it is just a piece of paper that says you are no longer married.
The purpose of DB is not to try and "win" our H back, but to learn how to detach with love and gain strength for ourselves. That way when our H come out of the fog (and yes, many of them do, but not all) WE are in a better place to see if this R is truly what we want. Our H are mentally ill right now, and it is best to leave them be to sort out their mess. It does require significant patients, but if you dont have it in you, then you dont.
Keep posting, there are alot of wonderful people here who have great advise.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Thanks so much for responding. I need all the help I can get. I went and read your thread. A lot is the same, but of course different too.
I am not trying to save or fix my marriage at this point. I have been at this for 18+ months, but there are many factors keeping it from going to NC or dark because we still live together and also because I was the unaffectionate one and unloving one in the marriage and that is part of why he went else where. I had a near perfect husband that I took for granted way too much, so I am doing a little of the standard DB yet also letting him know that I do want to be affectionate and supportive and that I have changed.
It is a long, long 17 yr. story, as so many here are. I was the first one to have an EA, that was never a PA, with my high school boyfriend, but that was 5 yrs. ago and I thought we had put it behind us, but when his EA/PA came out, it all came out that he was never over what I did and was seeking love and attention that I didn't give him, his needs were not being met, and I don't mean sexually, that was great and not a problem until he started with the A. Anyway, I am not rushing into anything at all with the lawyer. I have been put thru hell the last 6 mo. in particular. He still lives here, still works everyday with the OW (even though as far as I know it is over). I just cannot take it anymore, I don't want to be roommates with my husband. I am too young to live in a loveless marriage. Yes, he might someday "snap out" of the MLC, but at what cost to my and my children's mental state? At what point do you say "enough" and move on? Dr. Phil always says that "kids would rather come from a broken home than live in a broken home" Right now, our home is broken and he won't leave. So, I feel I have no choice but to move home. He says he doesn't want to lose the kids, he just doesn't want me. I have had many slip-ups along the way too, via e-mail, phone, text etc. But, it is always in my face, and I just break sometimes. I have worked on GAL to some extent, but that was part of his complaint to begin with so I am afraid to go too far with that. HELP!!
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
>> Dr. Phil always says that "kids would rather come from a broken home than live in a broken home" <<
That is such BS. You don't think a home after D isn't broken? It's only half a home!!! That's completely broken. Dr Phil needs to go back to school....
Actually parents can coexist and be great parents together. What makes you think after you divorce your H you are going to find love? And, with what you do find out there, what makes you think your life is going to be better? Like some man out there is going to fix it? If anything you are going to meet some guy on the rebound, or pick some guy with his own baggage out of desperation, and he's going to have his own problems and not be too thrilled about your kids... and chances are the kids will want to go live with dad, spend time both places and never feel completely comfortable with either.
Don't make any important decision during a time of anger. Only makes decisions when time has passed and you are calm, reasonable and have had plenty of time to think things over. Hasty decisions made when one is angry are often decsions one regrets.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Sorry if I seem a little harsh here. I just hate what D does to kids. I work with them and the things they say sometimes makes me feel very sad. Sometimes I wish there was a way I could change their lives.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Slightly in contrast to what root says, I found that when my parents separated it was an immense relief - the tension that you could have cut with a knife evaporated. However, both my parents worked well together to parent us to the best of their abilities, and my sister and I always came first. They did not move far apart so we always saw both our parents.
I do agree, however, that you need to consider this more carefully and not react in a knee jerk way.
I also was in a M where I was the one not showing affection. Over time you can show that this is not the case. The fact that your H is drinking etc makes me think that he is confused and things are not as cut and dried as he says. I found that each of us taking culpability for our own actions and admitting then to one another made a HUGE difference.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks running and Saffie!! I agree totally about divorce and kids. I do not understand "giving up" at all. I thought M was forever and never, ever thought divorce was an option. I don't want to break up my marriage at all. I have tried to reason with him and it is just not possible. It is in no way a knee jerk reaction, I have been dealing with this for almost 2 years. And, I am sorry if it came across that I am going to just go out there and find someone just to have love. I have no intention of that, but someday I want to be loved again and I think I deserve that. Doesn't everyone? I am 37 yrs old and the prospect of living the rest of my entire life in a loveless marriage is not at all going to work for me. I cannot just live wih him like that. I agree that right now, my kids would be relieved if we seperated, but not in the long run. I have a high-school daughter and the decision has to be made as to where we are living before school starts again. She is very intelligent and needs to be stable for her grades to be good to get into a good college. Believe me my kids are all I think about and my top priority in this whole mess. He told me again last night that there is no hope for our marriage, that he will never be able to get along with me, that I need to "get over it" and "move on". I don't understand this at all. He is back to justifying the A with "you treated me like crap for 16 yrs., my needs weren't being met, so I had every right to have an A" I cannot live with that or like this anymore. If he would move out it would be different, but to have him in my face all the time and still working with the "-hore" is not getting us anywhere. I think putting some space between us, will be good. He has no one else, no family or anything. He will be stunned by what happens and hopefully realize how good it really was.
I have admitted to every mistake I have made, but he just says he was a great husband and gave me everything I ever wanted. Then we just get in a circular fight that goes no where. We end up playing the blame game and I just sob. Its awful.
me-37 H-41 m in 1991 D-15, S-12, D-9 H's A-10/06 to 7/07 Sep-9/07 to 12/07 moved back- 12/07 wants D but won't move out-4/07
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I have no intention of that, but someday I want to be loved again and I think I deserve that. Doesn't everyone?
Yes.
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He is back to justifying the A with "you treated me like crap for 16 yrs., my needs weren't being met, so I had every right to have an A" I cannot live with that or like this anymore.
Heard that too. Ironic, I never heard how unhappy he was until the A started. Hmmm....
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I think putting some space between us, will be good
At this point, it will help. I asked H to move out from Oct 07-Feb 08. He finally did. It was hard, but the best thing that happened to us.
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I have admitted to every mistake I have made, but he just says he was a great husband and gave me everything I ever wanted. Then we just get in a circular fight that goes no where. We end up playing the blame game and I just sob. Its awful.
I have heard all of that as well. Its been "lwb's marriage" from the get go. Um, ok. I have apologized for things I have done/haven't done (did realize some during this process, that I didn't realize I was doing), but don't apologize anymore. I continue to say "This is fixable, but only with 2 people" and leave it at that. R talks get me nowhere, and will get you nowhere at this point. Stop talking. Focus on you. Be a friend. Someone once said to me "Lovingly detach" (hi Puppy!), because then its healthy for you, but leaves the door open if things change.
You are right. Nothing can be done about your H's contact/A with OW. Nothing. Control you, control your emotions, continue on being a fabulous mom. Don't smacktalk your H to your kids, don't fight in front of them.
Thanks lwb!! It is so hard to go thru all this. I cannot imagine anything more painful than your H having an affair. And, you are right, I never heard how unhappy he was until he started with the A. I told my neighbor just days before I found out about the A the exact time he went for Jekyle to Hyde and as it turned out it was the exact time he started the A, almost to the day!! Now, he will never convince me he was soooo unhappy even before the A when I can pinpoint the exact time he changed from nice to the meanest husband ever!! I just never dreamed he would or could do this to me. The day before I found out one of my other friends asked me yet again if I thought he was having an A, that he just treated me soooo terrible, and I told her there was "no way"!! Boy, was I a fool!! I don't trust my instincts at all anymore!!
My H and I really do come from different worlds and if I could look at it without any emotion or kids, we probably don't belong together or even really want the same things for the future. But, I committed to him and to our kids, they didn't ask to be born and don't deserve to come from a broken home. I hate it all. I love him, but would probably be happier with someone with the same goals and aspirations as me. I was just raised that you don't give up on people and that family is forever, no matter what!! How do I get that out of my system and move on? He absolutley does not want this marriage and tells me everyday that he has been honest with me and wants out, he doesn't want t be a husband any longer!!
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I have a question, I may need to start a new thread for this, but I will try here first.
It seems like from what I have read, most MC's say that they cannot do one-on-one sessions with each person and still be the MC, ours did have IC with each of us. We met with her several times, then she met with each of us alone for a session. Actually my H went twice alone. It killed me and I think was a huge conflict of interest. What do all of you think? I also feel our MC was insturmental in giving my H all the excuses he uses everyday for his EA/PA. After just one session, she was telling me that it was not just his fault and that if his needs weren't being met that is why he had the A. He ran with that. She did say it wasn't an excuse to have an A, but still. I know that things weren't good and that is why he had the A, but after one session to turn it all around to be on me when I was in the most emotional pain ever!!?? Just doesn't seem right. And then, to ask for a session alone with my H was awful for me, there were already all these secrets going on for months I didn't know about and she was going to have more with him in this session? I was not ready for him to be telling another woman more secrets, at all. I really feel if we had not seen her our marriage would be in a much better place. He wanted to fix our marriage and was so sorry and was begging to save the marriage until she put all these ideas in his head about how awful our marriage was before the A and such. Just wondering if anyone else had this experience? I kept saying I wanted to learn from the past but move forward and not totally rehash the past, but she said we had to start from the begininng to figure out how we got to where we were. I disagreed, but knew if I didn't go to her it would make H mad, as we had fired a MC years ago and he blamed it on me being too picky. Just wondering what others have experienced with MC's???
M-37 H-41 Married- almost 17 yrs. Together- almost 20 yrs. H's EA/PA-10/06 - 7/07 D-15, S-12, D-9 still living together filing for D-6/08
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
