Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[JennyF]

I feel like everything is coming back from the start. It's like I am reliving the whole walk out again and again.

You do relive it blindsided. Over and over and over again you relive it. You type the hurt and the unfairness and the obsurdity over and over and over again.
You want it to be over....but you're not accepting it.
You want the instant fix, for it to be ok right now. But you're not accepting the present moment as your reality. Only you can decide when this craziness ends.

I would say that a lot of what is going on with you is hormones and nerves. Your going to be a mommy for the first time and that is scary no matter what the sitch.

I hate that he's happy. It's not fair.

How many times does Nik B have to tell you that you are making assumptions?? He thinks he's happy. So let him.

blindsided, you have to accept all of those hateful things about your H right now. Not because they're right, but because they're reality. He is so self absorbed that nothing is clear to him right now. My health was at risk my whole pregnancy, I lost 10 lbs in the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy when H left. Neither my health or that of our son meant enough for him to reconsider. Fair??? Nope. But reality. Sickening?? You bet.

I know that this is where you vent and let it all out. We all need that, especially you right now givent the sitch.

He's in a world of his own. He thinks that everyone should just accept that this is what he's done and be okay with it. F him. I'm not okay with it.

I could have written the same thing about my H. But you don't have to be ok with it to accept it. You can't change it. If you're tired of dwelling, then just stop. ACCEPT IT.
I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're at the point where your H isn't the cause of your pain anymore....he did this yes. But you are allowing it to fester in you and grow but continuing to repeat the same things over and over again.
You MUST stop calling yourself 'a nothing' and putting yourself down. You don't even exist??? Come on. Who gives a flying F#@% what your H thinks right now....what YOU think about yourself matters. And you believe these things because your self worth is tied up in whether your H loves you and is with you or not.
STOP looking for him to do things different. STOP. Do things different yourself. Only YOU can change this. Only YOU can change this to be better for yourself.
I know your next question will be, How? How when it is all so unfair and you had planned a life together and this isn't right and OW is this and that and how could he do this to you and to your child and blah blah blah. None of that can or will have an impact to change this. You can only change it by accepting it.
Accept it right now. This minute. You only have to be ok right now, and then when the next minute comes along, be ok with that one. It won't be an instant fix. You will still love him and miss him have all those feelings. Accept those feelings for what they are, natural. But you're unhappy about being unhappy. You're compounding your unhappiness. Have those feelings and let them subside. Don't let them grow by going on about it. Break your cycle.

I'm really trying to let go. I just want him to not mean so much to me anymore. It hurts to much to love and care for him still. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, I would. Most definitely.

You think that the 'how' means that there is a solution that will make you stop loving him and make the hurt go away. There isn't. I wish there was. Don't try to let go. Just accept it. It won't go away, but you can stop making it worse for yourself. And then time will help take care of the rest. A lot of time.
Talk about not having unrealistic expectations?? Don't have them of yourself. You will not be over this quickly. It's not possible especially given the circumstances.

This is an oldie but a goodie...and I think it really rings true. (sorry if I haven't quoted it exactly).
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can only change yourself and the way you see this whole thing. You have 9 days to go...don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Accept each minute of each day for what it is.
I'm sorry I've babbled on and on.
I so wish that I could give you a big hug!
J~