H is having affair after all - part 3

[Evie]

Thanks Jen. It is so hard to be friends with him right now. I saw Sex in the City last night and without going into too much detail for those of you that haven't seen it, there is a scene where something happens to one of the girls and her and her partner have a break with no contact at all for 6 months. That's how i feel, of course its more complicated, i not totally independant and i have kids to consider and i have to maintain contact with him because of that.

Good points of H: (seems so long ago that anything good happened, i'm having trouble recalling, so i'll go back to the beginning of our R!!)

. Good Looking & fab body(well he was prior to the bomb, he looks wrecked atm)
. Great Friend, easy to talk to.
. Passionate, loving and considerate lover
. Good fun, had a zest and spontaneous love of life
. hard worker and VERY good at DIY
. He took care of things,(perhaps i see this now as more of a fixer and controlling & I think i changed myself to accomodate him)
. confident when i met him (probably a bit arrogant?) but he seems less confident now
. Like to spend money, generous with it (hates it now that he can't spend and blames me b/c he hasn't got any money as he says i have it all
. he was a free independant spirit, he always wanted to do things, but since starting the family and running the business especially at the weekends it was harder to get away, he doesn't see this and he hugely resents it. he seems as if he has teh weight of the world on his shoulders.

I really feel as if there is no hope, even if he were to want to come back, we would have a lot of work to do (which i am prepared to do by the way.) But i feel that he is prepared to push for the house to be sold and get divorced. He can't see what its doing to his kids and the girls. And you can't or couldn't work on a R/M with a 3rd person in it, despite the fact that he said I didn't try...

After the row on Wednesday, on Thursday i had a couple of emails and texts off him, i'm not sure why he does this? Check that i'm still talking to him? Control?.

He went to see his brother last week (the one who lives in manchester, 100 miles away). His brother is gutted at what he is doing, but he tried talking to H and asking him what his plan was for the future. H just wouldn't talk to him. Closed book.

Positives this week.

Feel a lot stronger after wednesday.
Been asked out twice, once by a guy at work who is married and slates his way. Not interested any way, but the moral booster was ace.
Got out with daughter and new friend to go to the cinema last night.
having hair cut and highlighted today.
looking forward to a new yoga class tomorrow.

[Jen_Jam]

It very much sounds to me like he's an alien. Because....

1. was good looking - now looks wrecked (my H looked bad too)
2. easy to talk to - not now
3. free spirit - now has the weight of the world on his shoulders

does it seem to you like he is not the guy you married? it's highly possible he's been taken over by an alien and it's making him unhappy. You can see it, I can see it, he can see it too but looks to external factors to pass the blame to it onto.

When something is wrong in life, I ask myself "what have **I** been doing to create this situation? what can **I** do to change it?" For example, one of my best friends had been really off with me. At first I thought "she's moody" then I had a good think about it, realised I hadn't been contacting her as much as I used to, so I talked to her, she said she did feel a bit shelved by me, so I apologised and now we are back on track.

Your H is looking to place the blame for his current misery on those around him. You are the nearest so are nice and convenient to do that to. Fair? No WAY!!! But please don't get angry about it, he is to be pitied more than anything. If he could take a good long look at what he has been doing and decide to do things differently in order to get what he wants he'd fine life improving dramatically. But he can't do that at the moment. Poor s*d.

He won't talk to his brother about it - guilt maybe? Of course your H feels bad, and he doesn't like to be the bad guy.

OK - hope for your M. What I am about to say might hurt. No, not while he is like this, the alien. But then would you let an alien into your house? What I mean is while H is in alien mode then your M won't work, BUT if he comes out of it then yes. But you probably realise this, in the fact you state there is a lot of work to be done. He isn't ready for this. Will he ever be? I can't say. Should you give up? Only if YOU want to. I am certainly NOT saying that you shold give up (there have been some posts where people have been told they should give up, I am NOT one of those people), it's up to you and I for one will support you and help you with whatever you decide. Even if that means run away to the circus and have a string of toyboy lovers lol

I've written about H a lot. I'm going to drop him now cos he is still in alien mode. I had one as well, and there was very little I could do to pull my H out of it. In fact, I found that each time I tried to "fix" him it would push him deeper into alien mode. He had to have his own personal timescale to come out of it.

Onto you - good that you are stating positives. Hope your hair looks good now (I am getting mine tidied up next week at last!) and you don't get into too many knots in the yoga! LOL. If you can, check out the threads of SDFoundGirl. She was one of my rocks in my crisis, and she is a GAL master. Her posts were very inspirational, and made me laugh out loud many times. They often took the format "I went here and I did that and I had a lovely time then I did this at home and really enjoyed it and H was stuck in his alien mode, oh well, nevermind, at least I really enjoyed myself ha ha!"

I know it's difficult with the money side of things as well, i can't advise there, but I am a keen money saver myself (I joke that it's my Scottish roots) so check out Money Saving Expert (google it) for tips on saving a few quid. Might help a bit.

OK - I'm off now. a lovely sunny Sunday awaits the UK. I am going to spend it mostly in the garden and I'm making strawberry shortcake later mmmmmm. WW is out the window, I am trying Paul McKenns'a book now, seems to be working OK as I am getting fuller quicker. I one day will regain my figure!!!!

take it easy Eve

JJ X

[Evie]

Thanks Jen, so positive as always..

WW Lol, are you taking a break for now? Doesn't do any harm and strawberry shortcake sounds delicious, you must email me the recipe, my kids would love it.

I've checked out the money expert, but i'm about to start work and kids are running around so will check out more when i have some piece, but thanks for the tip.

Toyboys - Lol, funny you should say that, but I have been asked out twice this week. The attention sure is flattering, the one guy bought me chocolates to cheer me up as he he knew i was down on Thursday. No go though. The other guy is a hottie jollotie and has certainly taken my mind off things for the last few days!! Whether I go there is another matter, i've known him for a while.

OK I have a question - Have you known other WAS in alien mode & with OP, that push for D, wanted House sold etc to see the light and want to come back?

I have given this a lot of thought. H has been 'out of love' with me for over 4 years now, i've read about the different stages of MLC and can recognise a lot of H's symptons as a MLC, but i just see him as pushing everything through so that he can 'move on'with his life.

[Jen_Jam]

OK I have a question - Have you known other WAS in alien mode & with OP, that push for D, wanted House sold etc to see the light and want to come back?

If you're asking if it's possible that your H will come back, I would say anything in life is possible. But will it happen? I don't know. What are the odds? I never bet, so can't tell you.

What I CAN tell you is that if you let go of your fears, realise how wonderful you are with or without H, and that if he isn't going to come back then that is his loss, then you will feel a lot happier. There are aliens who beam back and there are those who stay on the mothership. There isn't a way to tell which will do what (not that I know of anyway)

Eve, you can't base your life on what may or may not happen in the future. All you can do is deal with the here and now as best you can and leave the future to take care of itself.

Now, how did that yoga class go?

[Evie]

i guess i was asking if i thought it were possible, but I didn't realise it at the time.

H is unrecognisable to me at the moment and he's making it very easy to dislike him. He seems to resent the fact i'm still in house and appear to have everything!! I'm sure right now if he could have the clothes off my back he would.

Yesterday he called me regarding a debt that we owe to inland revenue, you may recall i was paying this debt until H stopped all my money and the solictor advised me to get this debt halved and pay the minium i could off my half, this i did but the inland revenue are now chasing H for his half which he says he cant afford to pay. The only way he can pay is if he stops paying my car loan.

These are the 2 following texts I received off him, regarding his proposal:

1. If you want to phone inland revenue up and resume paying the total amount inc the three thousand they have just billed me for then I will continue paying your car loan until finished. You probably get more tax credit if your outgoings increase where as I don't get any benefits.
2. Another alternative would be if I reduce monthly payments to you by £100.00 until inland revenue paid - just an idea. Loan period is 29 months

I understand he is in panic mode again regarding his money as the minimum he has to pay is £100.00 per month.

I can't afford a loan for £3000 so i'll have to tell him to sell my car. D1 has a little old run around which i will have to run into the ground, i guess some sacrifices must be made and it is my car loan.

Jen - i do feel after last wednesday that i have completely dropped the ropes now, as you say there is no telling what will happen in the future and i must admit that i am actually much happier now than i have being in a long time. OW is welcome to the person he is now.

I want to move things on as quickly as possibly and have my own place, but i'm anxious about the process. I know i have to look after my needs and the kids. My colleaque yesterday accused me of burying my head in the sand, i know I am, but I can't cope with H's anger and the fight over finances. My plan would be to get as much as is fair from this D.

H knows that in the last 2 weeks, i have being to concert a gig, he knew i went out early on Friday, but doesn't know where, he knew i was drinking with a neighbour on sunday and he saw me on friday wearing new clothes to work (i know i looked good as i had many compliments), he seems to hate the fact that i'm happy and seemingly to be moving on and having a good time....wtf?

This weeks positives:

Hair looks great

I didn't make yoga on Sunday, but I did go last night, really enjoyed it and plan to go tomorrow.

Lunch tomorrow with a colleaque to clebrate her birthday

Dinner with a friend on Thursday

Tapas and evening out on Friday.

Day and night with the kids on saturday.

Bought a toe ring yesterday and booked a tattoo for a weeks time.

I'm feeling a lot more confident than in a while, i have being wearing some different clothes and getting compliments - so all good there.

[shoeprincess]

This weeks positives:

Hair looks great

I didn't make yoga on Sunday, but I did go last night, really enjoyed it and plan to go tomorrow.

Lunch tomorrow with a colleaque to clebrate her birthday

Dinner with a friend on Thursday

Tapas and evening out on Friday.

Day and night with the kids on saturday.

Bought a toe ring yesterday and booked a tattoo for a weeks time.

I'm feeling a lot more confident than in a while, i have being wearing some different clothes and getting compliments - so all good there.

Hi Evie,
I am a friend of Jen_Jam's from here.
Those all sound like great GAL activities. Awsome!
Don't let your H manipulate you. Mine had a way of trying to do it by playing the victim. Poor him poor him. I fell for it at first than got wise. He will blame you for his unhappiness when in fact he is and has not been happy with him self.

[Jen_Jam]

OW is welcome to the person he is now.

now THAT'S the attitude. Also shows you realise he's been taken over by an ugly alien. I hope he will get to beam back.

Shoe - glad you dropped by, Eve she's right, he might well be doing a lot of projecting onto you. Try this - each time he says "YOU are this and YOU are that" try substituting it for "I am this and I am that" and see if it fits.

Have a fantastic weekend and yes, droppin the ropes does feel good. Hard to do, and remember you will prob pick them up again now and then and backslide, but YOU are moving in the right direction. Well done!

[Evie]

Shoeprincess - welcome and thank you for dropping by my sitch and offering advice. You are right about H not happy within himself. He proved this recently by now not being happy in his flat and showing resentment towards me for still being in the house etc. I do actually pity him right now.

Jen - high, Lots has happened this week, lots of angst, i feel stronger today than in a week, but need to get my head around it all and be quiet for a day or so then i'll post and catch up.

Positive vibes and hugs to you all.

Have a great weekend.

X Evie xxxxx

[Trip]

Hi Evie.
How are you doing? Jen sent me this way. Pay attention to her wise words.

Here is my bit. No real advice just a comment for now on one of your posts.

Okay. Even though I am not with my H, I can tell you that he was a lot like yours. Said and acted like he hated me but took all of that back. He says he doesn't remember saying the things he did to me. Not sure if that is the truth or not but he has apologized and I accepted. So yes, they can turn back. The thing is when they do you will have worked on yourself so much that it won't matter and you will know that the words they said were all about them and nothing to do with you.

[Evie]

Thank you Trip for your wise words. I like your physolophy (sp?) above.

Did you H also have an A?

My H is still pushing for the house to be sold and for everything to go through.

Can't see him ever coming back and right now i'm enjoying my life and i don't want the h he is now back or the M as it was back. I don't even know how i feel about him? Is that normal?

XX Evie XXX