First off, I think its harder on some of the people here that a) have kids with their WAS and b) have been with them for so long, or only them. If he's all you've ever known, its no wonder that you cant imagine your heart ever being whole again. You havent experienced a major breakup with anyone else, so this is going to be tough. Although having saud, that, I've had my heart broken before and I'm suffering just as much, so I'm not sure wht my point is! Just trying to say, dont be too hard on yourself.
Secondly, that conversation you had with H was amazing ! And no you didnt mess it up, seemed to me you made all the "right" responses, but of course you couldnt convince him. If it were that easy, you'd be back together in a flash! Its going to take ages I think for him to work through his feelings of shame. Like my BF (childhood shame) and like me, you are battling patience!?
I would be dancing for joy though if I had a conversation like this with him...
Quote:
H told me that if he left her to come home and it didn't work out where would he go then? He can't afford a place on his own and OW told him that if he left her again she wouldn't take him back. He asked me why I would. I'm your wife and the mother of your child. We have 18 years invested and I would hate to see all of that go to waste without a real fight.
It seemed huge to me, the struggle in him, saying he wanted to come home, but how could he? He's clearly not done with you and the OW is just a distraction. Its just easy, it doesnt press his buttons. My friend keeps telling me, of course my BF can make an effort at work, or with friends, or with his mother.. because he wears the mask in all those situations and he is well practised, but he cant do that with you and anyway, you dont let him get away with it, you see behind the mask. And he's not ready for that, because it would mean he has to sort himself out, fix it, change HIMSELF, not just his situation.
This is exactly what I see your H doing. He KNOWS he cant wear the mask with you, so he has ran from you to protect himself. He's put the walls up (even to his S?), so its EASIER to be with the ow. She doesnt know him like you do. He doesnt just have to fix the M, he has to fix himself and sounds like he has a number of issues eating at him.
Keep being his friend, being loving and calm and understanding.
Try not to put any pressure on him!? No more mention of D!?
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
