Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[blindsided1]

I'm really trying to let go. I just want him to not mean so much to me anymore. It hurts to much to love and care for him still. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, I would. Most definitely. He called tonight and right in the middle of me crying. Figures. I should not have answered the phone. He was all giddy and in a good mood and I was not. He asked me why I was so cranky and I just let him have it. I told him that I was tired of doing everything and he could just dismiss us and go off and play. I told him that I felt overwhelmed and was angry that he wasn't helping me with anything. It just all came out. Then I caught myself and I back tracked. I apologized for unleashing on him. I just talked it up to being tired and scared and nervous. I told him that I seriously needed someone in the C-section with me that was there for ME, to help me through it. And, if he didn't think he could do that, then I would like to have my Mother instead. He said, "what? Do you really think I would be a prick in that situation? I know that every other doctor's appointment I'm a jerk, but I wouldn't do that during the surgery." We'll see. I calmed down, dried my eyes and we talked some. I hate that he's happy. It's not fair. Then he tells me that he decided that instead of taking time off of work while I am in the hospital those 4 days, that he is going to take the week off when I come home. He says that it's because I'll have a lot of people there to help me while I'm in the hospital and then he can help me when I come home. Then the kicker, he says "I wasn't actually the one who came up with that plan." I said "Who did, your Mother?". He said "No, OW." I got silent. I was pissed off. I said "Why would you tell me that?" He said " Well, for one thing, she was thinking about you." Give me a f'ing break!!!! I lost it. I said "Really? Was she thinking about me while she was f'ing my H? Don't tell me that she was thinking of me that's utter BS! What do you expect of me? Do you expect I'm just supposed to say oh how nice of her to think of my wellbeing. We should all be friends. I'm sorry but because of her and you, my family is destroyed. So, stop shoving her down my throat." I know that I should not have gone there. I'm sorry. That was mean of him to say that. He could have just NOT gone there. He didn't have to say it was her suggestion. He thinks that we can all just be friends and I kindly pointed out that things don't work like that exactly. He hurt a lot of people and it's not going to just magically be all happy and go his way. I can't even believe that she is soooooo confident in her R with him that she is suggesting that he come help me at home that first week. I was talking to my Mom about it and she said that it's not all that atypical for that to happen. She thinks that OW primary goal is to get H to marry her so she needs to be perfect and unanimous. But, in no way does she really want H to be here. I don't know. Could she be that perfect? Is it possible that she is happy and confident and content in her R with H that she doesn't fear or find me a threat in any way? I hate her.

Anyway, I just stopped the ranting and told him that she in NOT part of my life and I would appreciate it if he would leave her out of this. I understand that she is part of his life, but she isn't part of mine and I don't have to like her. Topic changed. We talked about non R things. Then he started texting while I was on the phone and I asked him to please stop texting while he was talking to me. Then I just said I have to go now. And, he said goodbye. "Goodbye".

He's in a world of his own. He thinks that everyone should just accept that this is what he's done and be okay with it. F him. I'm not okay with it.