Trying Hard to Detach

[summerd]

Eagle -
I just read this thread - so sorry about your discovery.
I know exactly how you feel but I'm here to tell you - there is hope. My husband wants to move back in now after a year separation and nearly a 4 year roller coaster ride with his number 2 at work. We have a long way to go but I believe this stuff works.
I read something that the devastation of an affair is actually worse on our emotional state than the death of our spouse. Death is something we can't prevent (unless we cause it). An affair leaves us with all the same grief an impact of death but with an added layer that it might be our fault, that if only we.... etc. And, we keep reliving this crap over and over.
Just keep in mind - you may be responsible for a chunk of your marital problems - but the affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. She chose that herself.
It helped me to think of my spouse as ill or injured. If someone we love has a broken leg, we don't just leave them to their own devises and hope the leg gets better. A spouse in the midst of an affair is experiencing a major lapse of reason and judgement - like they suddenly become ill. Maybe that's an exaggeration but hearing him talk now about his actions and delusions confirms that he really was sick in some ways.
As to your actions - my humble advice is - got out with girl friends if you have any. If you don't, find one. Just friends - maybe more than one - not anything more. Find some that think you're cute or fun and can REMIND you that you are a terrific person. If you're outgoing enough or have a sister or something who can help - tell them what you need to hear. Tune out everyting right now except how smart, attractive, funny - whatever YOU are!
As you will discover - this will help tremendously! Focus only on you and your kids. Forget everything else. Your spouse is merely a casual bystander in your life... sort of an acquaintance - treat her like this - like you care just enough to keep the casual friendship going.
Good Luck!