Don't worry too much about thinking that there's a stranger in B's body. Honestly, it took about 6 months of weekly meetings and daily e-mails post bomb for me to see a vague glimmer of my actual H in H's body. YOUR B is in there somewhere- he's just in a slightly different place right now.
OD, thank you so much for this... I feel really reassured by this.
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I LOVED that your bra lace was on show- HOT! I bet he noticed that and had to fight to stop his pants from exploding in case his zipper flew off and hit you in the eye ;\)
Yay!!! I was worried it might have come off as "trying too hard" but I'm glad you loved it!!! You made me laugh so hard with this zipper in the eye comment!!!
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Oh, and another thing to not worry about- B not mentioning your appearance. My H has only said I look nice (just that- you look nice (ugh)) once post bomb. I don't think it was because I looked bad because the same day, CEO had told me I took his breath away. Anyway, so I think they just don't say these things for whatever reason.
OD thank you again, this is super reassuring. AND THANK YOU ALI for making the same observation!!! It kinda reminds me of john 210's thread... he said that when his wife told him she wanted to piece, she told him it definitely made a difference that he always looked so sharp. So I guess they notice, they just don't feel like they can say anything.
MAYBE BECAUSE WE ARE SO HOT, it will just remind them how confused they are!!!
So I think I am having a delayed reaction to last night. I had a really tough rehearsal this afternoon and basically felt completely incompetent and just wanted to run away and cry in a corner somewhere. After dinner there was a special concert at the main house and I just laid down on the floor behind the couch where not that many people could see me. The first piece just made me weep, and I tried not to make any noise... and my mind just wandered...
And I thought, where is the man who rubbed my shoulders whenever I did dishes? and cried in my arms? and got excited to get naked with me? and squeezed my knee when exciting things happened on LOST? where is he?
I think I have been doing a good job of finding my own happiness, but I realized that there is still a lot of pain, a big hole, that hurts... my therapist told me I bottle up my emotions, and I think I opened the bottle while I was listening to the concert. I wonder if he is feeling the same thing(S). I think I have not grieved for him, because I am afraid if I do, I will lose my resolve and my hopefullness to continue. But I did try to embrace the pain, and just feel it, and center myself in it, instead of intellectualizing it...
I am not sure about this new alien version of B, but I really miss the old B, and I yearn for another chance to do things right. I feel like if I had just done a better job of loving him, none of this would have happened. I know it's not all my fault, but I think part of me feels like I really really failed him. I feel like there is some kind of S&^$ that we need to work out between the two of us... I dunno, maybe next lifetime
It also crossed my mind, in a very calm way, that maybe he doesn't want me to come to his bluegrass concert b/c maybe there is another person he doesn't want me to see. Honestly I would not want that either. but I am seriously not sure anyone would go for this beard. It seems like a very anti-sex statement, I am a lone mountain man, I chop wood in the frigid icy morning and scrape lard out of the bottom of the barrel, and I don't trim my beard for anyone!!
A, i am sorry if I recounted a lot of stuff that didn't make sense. Which parts were confusing?? I want to clarify or minimize the confusing parts in the future.
J, please be gentle with me. I know that option 3 is always there. Please support my hopefulness... I know you are probably just trying to help me keep my expectations low, but please be gentle with me....
On a lighter note, here is another song he and I sang together walking down the avenues of new york: i'm not crying The subject matter is ridiculously ironic!!!
I feel like there is some kind of S&^$ that we need to work out between the two of us... I dunno, maybe next lifetime 