Holding Pattern

[JWS]

All I know is that she speaks with other men, several of them. I have no idea what about and have made assumptions that may or may not be true. part of our healing originally i asked her not to have male friends so now she want to do what she thinks i don't want or something. but i don't have the facts so i can't judge. I know she is not wearing her ring and talking a lot to OM and jumpy when i touch her, and does not want me to know what she is up to, but she tells me i can trust her. I don't know, I don't want to, an affair would not end it for me.

My parents and my therapist think that the only thing i can show her is support, and help her achieve this dream, as she helped me. she is confused and building her self up by flirting but i am smart enough to know its not real. If i lose her and she becomes a Lawyer and is happy i can be ok with that.

I can do nothing less then be her husband even if she is not being my wife. that’s the better or worse part. I can't let her control my happiness, i can no longer place that in her. it needs to be in me.

as far as money, half of what i make is hers anyways, and i don't let what little money i have run my life. its just not important. if she was out blowing money at the mall or trips with guys or what ever it would be different, but she is being very responsible in that regard. she is focused on school and only using it for that right now.

All her life she has felt unsupported by her parents and sometimes by me. I have always believed in her but my actions can sometimes not reflect my heart. I want her to see me moving on and working to make myself a better man, while at the same time showing her unconditional love.

I know share your fear of her having her cake and eating too, I might be prolonging some of this but at the same time, there is a set start date for school and some things don't have the time to wait. Trust me i have the same fears, and don't know the right answer.

all i know is that when i look back if i have chosen wrong, i want it to be that i helped her when i should not have, not i turned my back when i should have helped.