I just got off of the phone with L. He said that if I file for LS then after it is completed, H can then take it and turn it into a D 90 days later. I guess that answers my question on whether I should get one or not.
ImLin.....the reason I told his family is because I was told that as long as they live in fantasy land, they will continue the affair. By outing them, they have to start living in reality and that can cause the A to end earlier. I dont know if what I did was right or wrong, only time will tell.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Dr. Henry Cloud indicates that “Many couples are swept up in the fantasy that happiness is the supreme goal of marriage.” He continues, “But in reality, happiness is not a good goal for life or marriage. A much better goal is growth, and one of the by-products is happiness.”
The happiness myth is in that we very often rely upon our spouse to provide the happiness we seek in our marriage. The reality is that by so doing we are really giving them too much power over our own wellbeing; power that they do not have. Our own happiness is our own responsibility.
Thanks for the post, BH! I loved this and so true of both my H and I! I just got a book from Henry Cloud too (I'm a huge reader) and will start that next called "9 things you simply must do to succeed in love and life". Hopefully it will be really good! Karen
Ok, I would like some opinions here. I went and saw a T today and I dont know if I should continue on with her. I told her from the very begining that I wanted to try and save my marriage and that I was there to get stronger for myself. I told her my tale and she then went on to say negative things about my H. Said it sounded like he has never been there for me, that I have been the one who made the R work up to this point, wants to blame me so he doesnt have to feel guilty for his part. I agree with some of what she is saying but I dont see how this can help to work on my R.She said her goal was to try and get me to a place that I didnt feel that I had to take care of others at the cost of me, just be happy with me. I understand that that is a good goal, but I dont know if I am comfortable with what she says about H.
She is a real ballbuster kind of lady (which I like) so wont hold back when it comes to me doing what is good for me. But then she said that with my H personality, she did not see him coming back and that I should try to move on.
What do you think? Stay with someone who I know will help me get strong but does not believe that my M is going to work or move on to a different T?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Hmmm...humble opinion only, but I think if one of your goals is to save your marraige and she doesn't share that goal with you then it might not be the right T. Of course the making you stronger may be what saves your marraige so it is hard to tell. I talk to one of the DB coaches regularly and she shares both goals with me. Make me stronger with the hope (not expectation) or saving my marraige along the way. It is good to know she is cheering for the relationship along with me with the main focus at this point being on me since he is off in la la land :o) You can always change your mind if you want to give it a few more sessions. Good luck!
Me 32/H 32 M 3yrs/T 8 yrs 0 kids and 1 dog Bomb 5/15/08 - wants to end it to pursue OW Seeing OW and moving out 7/08
Did you have time to share any of the good qualities your H has or just the "quick and dirty"? That hour goes by so fast - especially the initial appointment. Maybe stick with her for a few more session and re-analyze how you feel.
Glad you got out to see the movies. It's a strange feeling, the first time you find yourself laughing or smiling after feeling so much heartache, isn't it?
Hang in there.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Yes it was strange to see that I can laugh again. Made me realize that I can move on from this and still be ok, no in fact better.
I kept telling T that I thought my H was a good person, just off in la la land. I got the impression that she thought I was making exscuses for his behavior, like some kind of battered wife (she councils battered woman as well). Felt like she wanted to shake me up so that I could see who he really was. The thing is, the negative points she was bringing up are all true. H has always been on the selfish side, tended to put his needs first. H has always been a little lost so would not make tough decisions, that way he could blame me if things went wrong. H has no friends either becasue he doesnt reach out to keep those kind of connections.
Her comment to me was maybe when people start to see H for who he really is then they dont want to be friends with him because he is empty. I think its becasue he is more of a loner type, but very charismatic on the surface. People who know him passingly think he is great, he just doesnt let people get close (except for me and now OW).
She kept telling me that she didnt think this A would last but she didnt see him coming home to me either. Very tough to hear. But, I know she will kick my @ss as far as getting me into shape. So I'm going to try her out for a little while, hoping that she is wrong about H.
Still , it would be nice to have someone give me advice on the best way to try and reconnect my R with H. But hey, thats what I've got all of you for, right!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
But hey, thats what I've got all of you for, right!
Indeed.
I think it's really important to feel very comfortable with your IC. You might want to search for a "solution-based" therapist. I'm not sure how you find one. There might be a link somewhere on this site. I'll go look and let you know what I find.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I think as long as you focus on YOU, and not your husband or your marriag,e then I think your T is fine. Husband bashing isn't going to help you. Leaving him behind and working entirely on yourself is what's going to make you healthy and attractivee for any future relationship regardless of who it's with.
No one has a crystal ball, and no one can predict the future (if a spouse is going to come back or not). You shouldn't be focusing on if he is or not, you should be focusing on how you can be happy in your life regardless of what happens. Anyone's S can die tomorrow in a car accident. Does that mean our own lives end for good? Do your greiving, but then start looking at how to get your life back. Who are you as an individual? What are some things you've wanted to do for youreslf but haven't? What do you want to learn or improve about yourself?
Imlin's advice about finances... if there is any sign he's pulling you into big debt an LS may be wise to consider. Your H can file for D any time he wants to regardless if you have LS or not (although it may make him angry enough to file. I noticed my H took the steps to file in response to anger).
P.s. My T didn't think my H would return either (Heck he came to one of my sessions to tell her he wasn't, and that he needed her to help me "get it through my headl!!!")
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
When you are going to T without your spouse it is probably best to focus on your own personal growth...when you get wrapped up in the "stuff" about your spouse then you are not focusing on you...perhaps that is what your T was trying to get you to do...make you "forget" your H so you could "remember" you!
I would agree that a few more sessions...without H talk would be the way to decide...my T who did MC with H and I for 3 sessions didn't see my H returning and in fact said he needed intensive T and was probably a sex addict...well perhaps a bit more T for him would have helped...but he is far from a sex addict...and he did come home...she did help me to see how taking care of ME was the most important thing to focus on...she also reassured me that my sadness was normal...I was grieving and I had a right to feel the way I did...
Karen