I will dry-heat. just so scary, you know? one positive thing that has come out of all of this is that I DON'T want h back and I couldn't care less if he does or doesn't want me back. it's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I see that I was very unhappy with him for a LONG time. His inabiity to show me emotion or connect with me emotionally (above and beyond a guy thing). Lies that i know he's told me over the years, it's all coming together for me. he's never been there emotionally for me and now I understand what my therapist has been saying all along. I accepted "crumbs" from him. I thought as long as he paid the bills, was loving to d, responsible, he was a good husband. I pushed my own basic needs for a real partnership aside.
my therapist believes very stongly that this is what caused me my anxiety/depression last fall. not that he CAUSED it, but it amplified it. he was SO not there for me in any way; didn't want to talk about it. never wanted to understand what anxiety is about (I used to beg him to go to ONE session with my therapist so he could understand) and he always refused. didn't want to hear it.
I'm db'ing now for my own growth.
It's funny, the DAY he dropped initial bomb on me, I actually, in the morning (before he came home from work and dropped bomb) talked to our local Catholic preist for 2 hours!! I couldn't get in to see my therapist and I had to talk to someone. I was just so unhappy and felt so ALONE.
then of course, when he dropped bomb, I desperately wanted to "win" him back. that's what brought me to this site in the first place.
I don't need "crumbs". I need a real relatonship. I'm not asking for the most "sensitive, alan alda" type guy, but someone who isn't so shut down emotionally. he can't handle ANY kind of emotions/problems at all. well, emotions and problems are life and part of a real marriage. period.
I, when the dust clears, down the road, when I am healthier, will find a man who can at least talk about issues. I am seeing that thiswas a major need for me and he isn't capable of this. yuo can't change a person. al-anon/db 101.
I'm trying to find the good out of all this and it is definately making me grow up and take responsibility for myself. my own happiness.
as my dad said, I'm still young (is 39 young?), I look great (not bragging, but I look about 25, always been told this). I'm funny, smart, etc.
h was LUCKY to have me. one of his basic needs was that he needed space to be with his friends. I always gave him that. I was always secure and never made a fuss if he wanted to go out with friends. he has always said that he loved that about me.
I now just want d back. I guess all I can do is have faith, right?
