We had severe weather all around us here, and some tornado sightings a little northwest of us..but just strong winds and heavy rain. There were some small tress, and large limbs down, but nothing much else..thankfully. The storm came in earnest just as I had punched out from work. LOL I'm glad that house was vacant!! Your H may need some 'head work', but I certainly don't want a tree to be bonking him on his head!!
I know how hard it must be to try to think of how exactly, and what exactly it is that you want H to understand. I'm glad that I'm not in your position, but I do understand that after 2 years you feel that you need to set some boundaries for yours and your kids' wellbeing. I guess the best way of doing it is from the heart. Do it with love, but do it with the knowledge that it is something that you all need at this time. Boundaries can sometimes cause positives to be birthed. Just like an unruly child who lacks attention sometimes likes to get disciplined, because that shows them that they are noticed/acknowledged. So instead of walking on eggshells around your H, he may take notice that you've given this alot of thought, and he'll be impressed enough by it, that he will respect you more because of it. Don't know if that came out right...the thought is in my head, but the words are coming out all jumbled up...loooooong day at work. (snicker) *You ever notice how ornery and crabby people can get when it's hot and humid out??*
Why don't you try putting your thoughts and words on paper first...see how it looks and sounds to yourself. And when you have tweaked it just right, you'll know it. Then tear that paper up, and verbalise it to your H in a calm, loving way.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
We have a two story; an AC unit for each. It's record temps with 90+ humidity here in Va. this week. I don't mind the heat...and I keep the AC low.
But...I think the storm zapped the unit outside for the upstairs...where the bedrooms are. It was 95 in the bedrooms last night, so the kids slept downstairs on the floor.
I had to call H....
My first reaction when things like this happen is to freak...mostly about money...and then not knowing how bad the situation is.
I can take care of this myself, I was a home owner before I met my H.
But, I didn't want to deal with it alone...and wasn't sure if there was something I could do...anyway...maybe I caved but...
9pm last night I sent a text 'the AC doesn't work'
No reply
10:15pm I called. No answer.
I went to sleep and decided to take care of it myself.
This morning after the kids were on the bus and I was up and about I notice a text.
He said 'did you find out what was wrong, and did you call anyone?'
I had called, and I had it worked out...although no one can get here until Thursday..when the heat wave breaks
After I had all arrangements made I called to tell him.
H answered...
After I updated him on the AC situation he just started telling me about the tree that fell on his neighbors house. My H was standing on his porch and watch the tree fall. He said if it feel 90 degrees to the right, it would have it him!
H said the tree fell on the electical lines to the two houses and he has been without power since Friday noon. H said he's been staying with the man, who has been his cohort since he moved out,...the one my H says is a 'loser'...
H is in his last week of the job that he finally quit and was busy all weekend packing things and he said he had to move the catsup and mustard from his house refrig...kind of funny, he isn't TOO into keeping up the house with food...
I asked if he was going to help pay for the AC..he sort of laughed but said he'd do what he could. I said I'd split it with him and he agreed. He said 'let's find out what's wrong and how much it is first...and we'll figure something out'.
H admits he doesn't have much money but that he must, and will pay the important stuff like health insurance and mortgage..etc.
I'm getting better at withholding the obvious that he should move home....I didn't say anything about him coming home.
I did allude to my main focus right now to obtain (legal) financial security... I just said, 'I need financial stability'.
His response bugged me. He said 'Wouldn't we all like that?!'
I said 'I've always worked to have financial stability....'...and bit my tongue from adding, 'until you moved out!"
He said again, 'We'll figure something out...and let's see what the AC repair has to say'
I said okay and thanks.
He said, 'stay cool'...
So many other things were going through my head...but, I let it go.
And here I am.
Resentment takes a lot of energy....I do not want to get back on the 'parallel train' with his!! I've been in that gray area for 3 years! How can I tell the difference between a reconnection and cake eatting?
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
The first thing that hit me, was that when you explained what was going on at 'your' home, he changed the subject to his own problems. So he's definitely in the 'me' stage pretty darn deep. And yes...I think he should have been more gentlemanly (sp) and offered to take care of the A/C problem himself, especially since his kids are in the house and suffering in the heat themselves.
So he watched a tree fall...whoop de doo.
Sorry, but something about this conversation with him is really rubbing me the wrong way. Can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it might be because his reaction is almost a mirror image of what my xhs was when he was living with his mummy and I was still in the house trying to manage all the maintenance myself. Even if he knew something needed doing, he never offered..and I had too much pride to ask...so guess who ended up doing it all.
I better stop babbling on...can you tell I'm not happy with your H??? LOL
The remark about financial stability...please pay attention to how it made you feel when he said it. Enuf said from me. Go with what your instinct is saying to you...it's hardly ever wrong.
If it makes you feel any better at all in the heat...BOTH of my window A/C where I live are out of order. Guess the apt. manager will just love me when I make the call tomorrow and complain about it...and then add that the dishwasher doesn't work either. (snicker)
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Creed....I know! He's STILL all about him...It's so diappointing! I look so hard for something to believe in him about...something to curb my resentment.
I really don't think anything about me and the kis, our well being, etc, ever crosses his mind. Nothing has happened that I can't handle.
And, then again, he knows I can do almost anything. I am very independent, and... I can figure out how to handle things. I don't go to him. Period. I did today because I was feeling very anxious and angry. But, I gave him a chance to respond to my call and he did in a friendly and open manner.
So, I felt a bit better. He was so eager to tell me stuff that had been going on with him. I guess that is a good thing. And, I guess he went right to that becasue I basically had taken care of all that could be done with the AC problem for now. n
The tree that fell next door to him, has caused him to be without electricity since Friday...so, in a way, he is worse off than us. But, it bugs me that he didn't turn to us.
In the past, these same situations come up. Some very dangerous things have happened in his absence. I get so freaked out and angry and I have yelled at him for being so negligent and ignorant. I could ask for his help or to do something around here...but, and he would probably say okay. But, it may never actually get done.
He says I am always telling him what he doesn't do. He's right! It is hard for me to accept anything nice he does. I don't trust his motives. I don't know if he is coming or going.
I don't want to get hurt again like he did when he snubbed mother's day and my bday. I don't want to get back on the parallel life paths.
I don't want to squash any positive motion that may be going on with him in this job change. He sounds pretty upbeat about it.
Then again, this is another thing that comes before the kids and me. Transitioning to a new job is his escape now. And the kids and I have nothing to do with it.
I almost said we should celebrate, forgetting who I was talking to.
I didn't offer anything...and I definately did not bring up father's day.
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
I haven't posted as I have been enjoying my own life, acting 'as if'....actually that has become fairly natural and I don't have to act.
Going back to Sept. We hadn't seen WAH much but then soccer season started.
It was baby steps at a time but with each game I became more at ease with myself and just let interaction with H happen as it came along. Usually he spent most of time talking about his job, asking me about the kids or the weather.
It got to be a tad boring, I must say.
Anyway, sometimes he'd hang out with the kids after the game if it was on a Saturday, sometimes he's go to work.
Whenever he brought the kids here, he'd come in and hang around. He never left in a hurry. Sometimes he'd eat dinner because I was making it for the kids and he was just there.
The week of Halloween, H came over to carve pumpkins. H seemed to have a great time; very relaxed and talking to everyone.
Halloween, he came over to help the kids trick or treat through the neighborhood, but they all went their seperate ways. I felt a little awkward when it was just him and I and said, 'I guess this is like the empty nest syndrome'..I figured he wanted to leave but he said 'that's okay' and we had a couple pumpkin spice beers and snacks and talked about a lot of things.
By the way....no relationship talks have occured at all.
Then...
Last Sunday at our S13 soccer party, he comes to me with two of the 5 bills he is responsible for. I did not reach for them.
H reminded me of last spring when I offered to manage the bills. (Back then, he was quick to say 'no I just didn't stay on top of them'. So I didn't get to explain my financial plan)
I shook my head saying I don't mind managing money...but, why are you asking me to do this now?
H--I am just BURNT OUT.
I was thinking to myself...'you can't be just burnt out on these two bills'.
Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, here are some facts that have happened in the last 3-6 months in H's life.
1) H had to sell both motorcycles to pay the mortagage on our house.
2) H was within an hour of letting our house slip into foreclosure
3)H changed jobs, but isn't really making more money.
4) H tells me the money he makes doesn't cover everything.
I mentioned that the mortgage we have was within our means when we got it. That both our salaries provide a very comfortable life. But, he has two households he is paying on.
I offered to discuss the possibility of him moving back. I said, I am doing okay now, right now I am okay with either way. The economy, the finances are getting us in a crisis situation and for those reasons, maybe you should consider what it would take for you to move back. I pointed out that he has been spending so much time at the house with the kids anyway. I did say that I am leary of him moving back because I have worked to develope my own life and I am enjoying myself. I mentioned to him, that he probably feels something similar.
I left it at that because this time he didn't do the 'whiplash' reaction with his head. He just sort of nodded.
H told me he would just deposit money every Friday and I could pay the bills. I told him though that I really didn't want to manage his share of the finances. I told him I felt at peace with him right now and I could see problems arising when the money wasn't there. I said I am very uncomfortable asking him for money and I don't want to fight about it.
I also firmly said that I don't have any more money to contribute. I reminded him that when he left I was making nothing...and now I am paying at least 1/3 of the bills. I told him I feel I have more than risen to the occation and that I am raising the kids by myself, I take care of the house by myself and I work all day to pay my share.
H acknowledged he was well aware that I didn't have any extra monehy. So, I felt better and took the two bills with me. I guess the other three were going to be handed to me later.
During the week, I just couldn't accept the idea of managing his share of the bills knowing how much money he makes. He makes plenty to cover his bills here, but to maintain his 'getaway' house, he'd have to work extra to keep that up.
There isn't much extra work now.
I thought all week, and decided that I shouldn't manage his share.
Sunday, H was here to watch a Steeler game. We had dinner, and a fairly relaxing day. I had told him I didn't want to do the bills the day before but that we could talk about alternative plans.
After the kids went to bed, I asked him again why he wanted me to handle everything.
I asked him what he is 'burned out' about.
H said he is burnt emotionally, physically, financially. I thought he was going to cry.
He is stressed over not enough money.
I asked him what options, or plans, he has thought of.
He said...'don't know'...
I just stared at him. H appears to be in a really tough...or low(?) spot....heck, MAYBE this is his rock bottom???
But, I was feeling antsy that he had NO PLAN!!
H said he's thought about coming home, but he doesn't want to do that.
H said he's thought about getting a roommate, but he doesn't want to do that.
H said he's checked into getting a cheaper place, but they don't exist anywhere near here.
I asked him if he thought if I handled the bills did he think I was going to make up for the missing money?
H admitted that he thought I had secret money somewhere and would make up for any differences. H said he'd give me the money but I asked how when he doesn't have the money.
H has sold everything...to keep afloat. I could see he was stressed and scared. I did a 180 after over a year of keeping my distance....I hugged him around the shoulders. I told him I was scared of us loosing the house.
H then said, you and the kids won't loose the house. You'll never loose the house. H said he doesn't want the kids to ever have to move.
I was crying a little, but joked...'so, you'll move back here before we loose the house...you know, 'worse case scenario?'
He chuckled a little and said, you and the kids won't loose this house.
It was late, I stepped back and asked, 'so what do we do now...just keep as is?'
H said 'we'll get through it'. He took the bills with him.
NOW>>>>>>>>>>>>this morning I get this email from H:
Hi,
I'm Sorry I shut down on you the other night, I just didn't know how to tell you that i have already filed for a divorce. Look I really don't want bad things for you. I don't want you to lose the house or your life, I know you have worked really hard at it. We have been in a stalemate for years now and it is time. I don't want this to get really ugly for either one of us or the kids. The uglier it gets the more money and pain it will cost all of us. I'm sorry you are getting this via E-mail, but it's the only way for me to express myself. We will all get through this and i hope that one day we could be friends if at all possible. Sincerely, H
Okay...
How's he going to make this happen? How's a D going to help his money problem? H left us, abandoned me and the kids, had an affair. How does he go from all this family time to a D?
A huge part of me feels this is a 'button'...he's thrown the D at me in heated arguments in the past. I haven't heard the D word for over a year because I've detached. I don't want to respond or acknowledge his email. All I can think to say is 'have it your way'. But, I'm not going to say anything!!
H wanted to reconnect to the kids so bad. I have stepped back and just let that happen....
I need my nerves calmed...I need insight....my intuition is warped right now....
Help...I'm posting without proof reading....sorry... _________________________ Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/05 H moved out 4/06 4/06 to 9/1/07 lots of family time 09/01/07 (I asked to end 'limbo'...he withdrew) 9/1/07- present..very little contact (H doesn't push to see kids at all)
Sophie
~~ Me-50 H-38 Married 15 years 8/7/08 D8 S10 S13 H affair 11/04-7/04 maybe longer H moved out 4/06
7/30/08- present: Reconnecting w/kids,friendly 10/30/08 H signed D papers 11/10/08 D papers filed 11/13/08 D papers served at home
Have you talked to H since the e-mail? I think it's cowardly (but not unusual) for MLCers to deliver bad news this way. At least your H gave you a bit of warning. My H blindsided me by having me served with D papers -- after a weekend of talking about reconciliation!!
If you haven't already talked to your H, I think you should continue to bide your time. If he doesn't hear from you, curiousity will get the better of him and he will be forced to man up and contact you personally. Until he talks to you, he doesn't even know that you got his e-mail.
Sophie, are you sure that your H doesn't have OW#2 lurking in the background? I hope not, but that's usually the incentive that makes them file.
Please keep us posted. There's lot of good folks on here that can help you through this madness.
Sophie, I think you should just sit on that email and wait. Sometimes when we aren't sure what to do, it is better to do absolutely nothing.
Here's my take on your h's behavior...he wasn't planning to reconcile in the way you thought. In his mind, if he were to move home, it would be to cut expenses and have you "mom" take care of everything. Give him the bills he gave to you to take care of and let the man take care of them. You have far more on your plate with the children, house and trying to work some yourself. He's the one that went out there and screwed up big time in all areas of his life. When the kitchen gets far too hot, the man/child brings his responsibilities back to "mom" to take care of. Do not take on any more of his responsibilities. You are already parenting for two.
No, your h has a ways to go before he hits bottom. This guy hasn't been at it all that long and I suspect that there is ow in the picture. Something just doesn't "smell" right about him and his situation.
As for the divorce....make him work for it and allow him to pay for it. Again, give him back the two bills he gave you and tell him that you've got enough on your plate and point out....you've got the children all of the time and surely with him being on his own, he can manage to write a few checks. If he doesn't want to do that...suggest that he put you back on his checking account and give you full access to his account to write his checks. I bet he'll take them back w/o hesitation.
Stay the course and do not fall for any more of his pity parties. I do not feel sorry for him one bit....you didn't create this mess, therefore, you shouldn't be sweeping up his mess. Time for your child to grow up. Take care of your children, home and yourself. That's what is important right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sophie, One last thing, the comment he made about you having a secret stash of money...that's projection. I have this feeling he's got a stash himself. They always tell on themselves.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
