A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[1hope]

Twin,
Thanks for the positive comments. I know that you're right. His self esteem right now is about zero. If I could just get over thinking that every little thing he does is about me, I would be happier and better able to handle this. As I'm sure you also have experienced, this whole thing has chipped away at my self confidence. It’s so hard to watch him flirting and having a good time with another woman when I want it so very much to be me. And then when our friends notice and start to comment…. It hurts.

I got this email from my GF this morning about our Friday night. She was very happy I have decided to stop in from time to time:


That's my girl. The pub has always been the place that the two of you met up with both of your friends.

It's not the place for him to hit on other women - especially in front of you. Like no one can see what he is doing? Isn't that exactly what everyone was complaining about with his brother? If you're going to be disrespectful of your spouse - take it out of town. No one wants it in their faces. It just makes people think less of the offending party. I'll get off my soapbox now.....

So, my friends here and you guys are keeping me together.

I'm very happy for you. When I didn't hear back over the weekend I hoped that you and your W were together! It sounds as if things are moving in a good direction for you. It’s encouraging to see that your DB skills and practices are paying positive results.

My H did not attend the open house for my niece this weekend. But he didn’t go up north either. It was a nice party and it was hard to attend alone, but I had a good time and invited my youngest son and his girlfriend out to dinner after. When I returned from the party he asked all kinds of questions about it. After we went to be he said “I’m sorry I didn’t go to the open house with you.” And I simply said “me too.”

[TwinDad]

Hope,

It is good to get support from your friends like that, it lets you know that you are not the only one that sees it. I agree with regards to how it affects your self confidence though. You feel like everyone is looking at you like your some sort of fool "letting" this go on. I thought you handled it pretty well, particularly the discussion about it the next day.

I kind of disagree with one thing your GF said, with regards to taking it out of town. I would actually prefer to have it close to home. If he is flirting at the pub where all of your friends are then it is highly unlikely that he is going to do anything other than feed his ego. For me the hardest part is what I don't know.....it lets my imagination run wild which is a very bad thing for me.

That is great that he asked a bunch of questions about the open house. He is realizing what he is missing out on and you probably had him wondering by going out to dinner later.

[1hope]

I didn't agree with the "out of town" thing either. The reason that she said that though is because we all watched my BIL go thru a very public EA/PA? a year or so ago, and my H finally had it out with his B, telling him that he didn't care what B was doing.... but don't be doing it in our home town. She was around for that mess (small town, close group of friends etc). Because she is my GF she is sensitive to the fact that H is hurting me, and was mentioning H's own advice. I wold rather have him in town so that I am aware what is going on. Watching him openly flirt with other girls hurts, because I don't get good affection from him now and I hate having our friends thinking he is "hitting on other women."

[TwinDad]

I know what you mean. It defintiely does hurt. I have had to deal with my W texting her EA while we were on a family vacation. I thought and then later confronted her and said of all the friend s you have you felt the need to text him on our family vacation. All along I thought it was a great vacation. One of the "fears" I have is being made a fool of by my W's actions. I actually mentioned this to my C and she said, you have no reason to feel like a fool, she is the one acting like a fool.

I feel you have been handling things with a great deal of dignity and grace. Who knows maybe your BIL will have it out with your H.

[1hope]

That would really hurt. How did you find out she was texting him? Was it recent? I feel that you are a very good communicator!

Your W does not know how lucky she is. My H does not text, barely uses a computer and only calls me on the cell if he needs something. That's why it was so painful when I opened the cell bill and saw that he was talking to his "friend" for 20 minutes a call.

I took several days off work this March to nurse him thru knee surgery. When I saw the bill I realized he had been on the phone to her early in the morning when I was out in the hot tub etc. I felt very betrayed. It still makes me angry to think about it.

Part of what gets to me is that my husband is kind of a jealous guy, and makes it known that he doesn't like it if someone pays too much attention to me. So, out of respect for his feelings, I have always tried not to put myself in a position that will hurt him. So, his making a fool of himself is a double hurt.

I know if I keep working on my DB’ing good things will come. I am a positive and upbeat person, and I have lots of friends. I think eventually he will “miss” having fun with me. I know I sure miss him.

[TwinDad]

How did you find out she was texting him? Was it recent?

About 8 months ago we started a very rough patch and I convinced her to work on our M at least through the holidays. I thought things were going well and then right after Christmas she told that things weren't working out and that she was going to file for D. I was shocked quite a bit and decided to snoop a little and looked up the phone bill and noticed over 600 text messages between her and one other number over a 2 month period. They were all when I wasn't around. Once I figured out who it was it started to all come together. I don't feel it was ever a PA, but the fact that she would be texting him and I could even get her to answer the phone for me while she was out really hurt. I actually kept me cool and actually kept it to myself to see if it would run its course. What hurt the most was when we were on "our" vacation and she was on the back deck texting without my knowledge while I was getting the kids settled down into bed so we could enjoy the hot tub! I think it has pretty much run its course. I think our Separation has actually helped put things in perspective for her.

I feel that you are a very good communicator!

Thanks that is kind, though I will say I don't know when to shut up, I find myself trying to explain my feeling so much instead of just stating them that I get accused of lecturing (probably rightfully so...... lol)

I think your H is already missing having fun with you a little bit, just look at his reacion from you going to the open house!

[1hope]

I also get accused of lecturing. I always seem to "over explain".

Wow 600 messages. That would cut. Must be she was the one paying the phone bill? My H. immediately transfered his cell phone to his own account and demanded that I not open the bill. What ever! I will wait for it to run the course too.

I don't know if he missed me, or felt guilt about missing a family function. He does like my parents....more than his own.

I have to stay positive and believe that he did miss me

[TwinDad]

Actually I pay the phone bill. He might be doing you a favor. Sometimes it is better not to know then to dwell on it. I know there was a time where I would check it to see how often they were texting. The worst part about it was I told her, "I have no problem with you having friends, I would just like to be included in it".

The DBing has really helped me accept that I can't fix this, I can only fix me and has helped me be a much better listener. Before that I would try to "logic" her to insanity.

Keep up the positive thoughts, he knows he is not himself now and he is willing to tell you that, which seems pretty big to me. Just be his sounding board if he needs you to be.

[1hope]

Yup. I'm trying. I know that I have a lot of positives going within this mess. I have to keep reminding myself of them so I don't get down and only focus on the negative.

When his new cell bill came I actually felt a relief that I couldn't open it and look. I figure I will do everything that I can, keep my faith, and it will work out the way it is supposed to. I can't believe that God will allow us to be divorced.

Until I found the DB book and this board I was going crazy trying to make logic out of his behavior. Now, the crazier that he gets, the calmer and more "sane" I feel.

It sure is funny though, I know that he would HATE it if I were doing the very things that he is.

At one point on Saturday I told him that I knew that his love for me could come back, to trust me that I knew you could fall in, out and back in love. On Sunday morning we were out in the yard working and he came up and asked if I had ever fallen out of love with him. He was shocked when I told him yes. He asked when it had been, and when I told him it was about 3 years into our marriage he just repeated that and walked away. He seemed very surprised.

So, I know that he is listening and thinking about some of the things that I say. I just have to stay focused on good DB and positive things.

[1hope]

Well, here we go again...

Just now he told me that he is planning to leave me. That we will not be together for long. He said that he is to blame for being my puppet for so long, that he is to blame for letting me control me, and that it must be hard to lose a puppet.

I just don't understand this. We had dinner at our house tonight with our youngest son and his girlfriend. A nice evening, and I am just tired of this up and down.

I asked him when he is planning to leave and he told me that he didn't know. He is afraid that I will "lock up the house" and keep him from his belongings. He said that he would like to leave for a couple of months, to see how he feels and if he misses me.

Ok Twin. I took the horn to the head this time. I don't want to do this anymore. I hurt so much.

He agreed that he was probably in MLC, but so what? I asked if he would give up all that we have without even trying to talke to anyone, and he said "what are they going to do, drug me?"

So I'm crying again, and I'm feeling like I am alone. I told him he could start trying to figure out now if he misses me, because I am done. I'm the one feeling like a puppet, and he is the master, pulling my strings. All I want him to do is put his arms around me and tell me it's a bad dream.

I guess I have been being too nice, and making things too easy for him. What do I really have to lose? He wants to go, but won't, only escapes to the bar and drinks. We have a small house, so I guess I will be sleeping in the den, and doing all that I can to avoid him. No confrontation, polite absence. No effort at communication from my end.

How can he miss me if we are both still in the same small house?