He's "done". Period.

[7 Year Itch]

OK, I just don't know anymore what to think. I'm so confused.
Last night he got home from counseling and I asked how it went. He said good. Then I asked if they were just talking about the girls and how to handle the divorce, and he said no, only about 15 minutes of the hour was devoted to them (his original intention of staying with IC). So I don't know what they are discussing, hopefully not just divorce stuff.

So anyway, then he excitedly tells me about a post on his hunting board about a guy who lives out by us (rural area) and has a guest house for rent. It's a bit pricy, but we are not in a big market area, so H is going to contact him and tell him the sitch, and make an offer of what he could pay. Being H is a cop, not a single party guy we are hoping it could work out. His other alternative of a place to stay is an hour away, so it would be better for the girls for him to be closer. Part of me was stressed because it's just another thing that makes it "real", but part felt better about that then him staying with that divorced friend. So I don't know.

Then he mentioned that while he still doesn't think anything will change, that he says he thinks the separation will be good to see. He's still not outwardly giving me any hope, but things that he has said lately like being willing to delay the filing, admitting that he won't know for sure until the separation etc, are baby steps I feel like.

Then the big oops. So last night I had to go downstairs (where he is staying) to get some stuff off our desktop to transfer to my laptop. Well, the desktop has something wrong with it, and I kept having to reboot, was having issues etc. During this time he is sitting there watching some HBO documentary about the Porn Industry. Nice. Anyway, so I finish what I'm doing ,and made a comment "I'm not so sure us watching a porn documentary together is a wise idea" and I laughed and went upstairs.

About 15 minutes later, he comes up into the bedroom and says "I've been thinking about what you said". I'm totally confused at this point because I didn't remember. Well, he basically in so many words invites me downstairs for sex. Well, if you remember what happened last weekend, you can imagine my confusion.

So I was good. Made him wait a bit. Finished what I was doing, sat up here for about 15 minutes, then sauntered down. I flat out said, "look, I'm not going to do this and then have you freak out tomorrow regretting it, and making me feel like crap. So you need to think about that, because it's not fair. You KNOW I want to, but not at the expense of a payback tomorrow. Especially when YOU are initiating this".

He then said.. "I can't guarentee I won't regret it tomorrow". To which I calmly but matter of factly said.. "well then I Think it's best we don't do this. I'll leave you to your fun (his watching this porn thing)" and I started to walk upstairs. To which he called out after me "Wait, I'll turn it off. You can come back".

So I turn around ,and he hadn't and he pretty much just looked at me and said "Come here" really playful like. So of course we ended up having relations. So when he gets home tonight ,I guess I"ll see how he is acting, but I"m going out tonight ,and leaving right when he gets home, so not sure I'll get a read on it that quick. But I felt like I made my point. Either suck it up if you are that horny to just live in the moment and not make me feel like [censored] the next day because you can't control yourself, or Don'T DO IT!". I hope he is just normal today.

Anyway. It feels weird. Everytime something like that happens I think.. "Is this the last time I'll be with him?". And now I'm trying to figure out how THAT will play into a separation. I don't want to be a booty call. But if it's something that could connect us, I don't want to deny it either. I also don't want to send confusing messages to the kids once he moves out too. HE WILL not stay the night until he is going to stay for good. I won't do that to the girls.

Chris

[klm]

(((((Chris)))))
First off, the job opportunity sounds great. I am glad you hit it off. Hopefully it will work out and it will turn into something good for you.

H said. "well, we can talk about that. As long as I see progress is being made, I can probably put off filing".

This is a good thing! Babysteps right?? Even if he is still deadset on it, more time will only help. I think if you aren't pressuring him and actually helping him (ie looking for a job) then maybe he back down on the urgency of filing a bit.

I say don't bring it up. Don't say anything about filing, not filing, putting it off, etc. It just keeps it on his mind. He knows how you feel.

Being excited for the job, and sad too because I know he'll be leaving soon if I get it.

Don't tell him you will be sad. He knows that. It only makes him feel guilty. I get the impression that he already feels a bit of guilt, no need to rub it in his face, it doesn't work. I know you just want him to know how you feel about it, but trust me he knows.

I'm so conflicted on separating. Part of me thinks it could be good.

I was too, but I think in the end for me and my H it was a good thing and ultimately saved our marriage. He saw that the grass wasn't greener. He will miss being at home and not seeing his daughters every night. That will be a big change for him.

Hang in there and try not to worry about the separation too much until it happens. Cross that bridge when you get there.

[7 Year Itch]

Oh Kris, I think we were posting at the same time. Read my big post before yours if you get a chance. Would love your input.

Chris

[klm]

I didn't realize that he was going to counseling. I must have missed that somewhere along the way. That is a good thing that he is open to that though.

I hope he gets the guest house. I am like you, I would feel better with him living there than with his friend.

He's still not outwardly giving me any hope, but things that he has said lately like being willing to delay the filing, admitting that he won't know for sure until the separation etc, are baby steps I feel like.

I think they are baby steps too. That is different than his attitude in the beginning.

Ok, I don't think ML with him was a big oops....you may have made more of a statement if you had turned him down...but I know that is easier said than done. If I am remembering correctly you initiated the other times....so this is new? It could have a different result. When this happened during good times would you have turned him down? It is a 180 for you to ML with him when he initiates?

I would refrain from being a "booty call" unless you see that it is making progress. Sex can trigger emotions. You have to be careful to take your emotions out of it though. If you see no changes for the better after ML, then you should stop it.

I am seeing some progress in your sitch. Hang in there.

[7 Year Itch]

So sad. I got an email about an hour ago from the person I was supposed to interview with tomorrow that she now decided to hold off on hiring anyone ,and sorry she wasted my time. I'm so bummed. It was the FIRST thing that felt positive in the last 2 months ,and I felt like it could be such a great opportunity.

H has been gone helping a friend move rock all day, and I'm dreading him getting home and telling him. I feel like such a loser. And I felt like he was feeling positive about it too, and had even said he'd put off filing to see if this could really develop into something good for me. Now I'm back to the search, and I feel like H is going to be all anxious again.

Yesterday we had such a nice day. Our local rodeo is this weekend, and we go each year. We both wanted to take the girls and it didn't make sense to drag them out there twice, so we agreed to all go together yesterday. It was the FIRST day that felt semi normal in the last 2 months. We got along the whole time, the girls had a great time. We all got goofy and bought cowboy hats, and just generally had a nice time. We started with the parade at 10 am, and by the time the girls were toast from the day, we didn't get home until almost 4pm.

I felt so close to him, and probably screwed up because last night I asked him if I could hug him. To which I got a big sigh and a "I guess so. I don't want you to take it wrong though". To which I said... "I just had a really nice day with you today, and am feeling close to you." To which he said he had a nice day too, and it was a lot of fun.

Still no hope being given to me at all. But it was nice.

Back to the job thing. I'm so bummed. I just really felt like if I could do this, feel like I was planning for a future that might not include him, maybe I'd get feeling a bit better. Now I feel like I'm right back where I've been.

I'm just very down today.

Chris

[klm]

Chris, so sorry to hear about the job. Job hunting is usually a long process, so hopefully your H will understand that you are trying and something will happen for you.

I am glad that you went to the rodeo together. Sounds like you had a good time and maybe a nice day out put some doubts in his mind. He said he had a lot of fun so that is a babystep.

I hope you are feeling better today.

[7 Year Itch]

Hi Kris.

Well, another bomb was dropped yesterday. He is moving out next Monday. And on the advice of his therapist with how to tell Ds we are not to tell them until right before. So what a GREAT Father's Day they will have with him. They are going to have a great day, then that night he will inform them he is moving out the next day.

I'm devestated. He has told me that I stand a better chance with him here than if he leaves when I had suggested separation before. If this was us getting space I think I could somewhat cope, but I know for him, it's just the next step on the way to divorce.

We ML 4 time since Friday. I mean, we are so compatable in that area right now. We have been getting along better, he says I'm a great Mom , and a good person, and that he has noticed all my changes. Yet, nothing has changed, and it won't. Period.

I'm just heartbroken. And not just for me and my girls, but for him too. I know he just wants to be happy again, and he wants to feel that he is moving forward. Why can he not see, that THAT can happen WITH me. I told him this is our definining moment of our marriage and somewhat of our lives. I told him that I think the difference between the 50% that divorce and the 50% that stay together is how they react in THIS moment.

I totally jacked up DB. We had big talks yesterday when the latest bomb was dropped. And I told him I'd always love him, and always be here for him. I told him that this wasn't a battle of wills, it was me feeling SO much in my heart and with every fiber in my being that we are about to make the biggest mistake.

I'm just dreading this bomb on my girls. It's going to be horrible. And he seems to think they are going to handle it ok with us simply saying we love them, and we are still a family, but that out family is just changing a bit. The thing is our D6 is 6 going on 13. She's so smart and intuitive, and I KNOW will take this so much harder than that.

We have so many more big talks to have this week to figure out visitation. The place he will be staying is a friends house, and he doesn't intend to do overnights there. So we have to figure out stuff like that.

I'm just so heartbroken that he is so jaded, that he cannnot even imagine how great it could be. I told him in so many ways, this could end up being the GREATEST thing to happen to us. We are communicating in ways that we never have. We have the opportunity now to build what we both want. To be totally open.

I told him there was a time that he loved me and never could imagine those feelings changing. That if anyone had told him, he would have said no way. So why is he just SO sure that the feelings he has now (no love) cannot change.

God, I love this man. He is such a good man, a great father, a wonderful husband, and the love of my life. I want to give him everything, and if I truly didn't think I could give him what he needs and deserves, as much as it would kill me, I would let him go. But I know in my heart we could have it all. All those dreams, and a great and happy marriage. But that I can't prove it to him today.

He says he thinks that I can change a lot of things, and that some things he things I could change now, but that they would slide back in time (namely our sex life).

I told him if I was just changing it for HIM, then he would probably be right. But that I'm not. I want that better sex life too. I am back with a new Dr. to try to fix my issues down there. I am going to go to therapy to finally deal with the sexual abuse. The only reason I'm not there now, is the therapist flat out told me it will be one of the hardest things I've ever gone through and that I need to be in a stronger place emotionally to go through that. We've had some of the best sex (physically, not emotionally) in the last 2 months since we were first dating. And I've really enjoyed it.

Sex had become a have to. A predictable thing. We've done some things we've never done lately, and it's been so much fun and interesting.

I have NEVER lied to this man a day in our 12 years. Never. Why he cannot trust me to know that I am capable and willing to change these things I just do not understand.

I'm so terrified of this separation. Just terrified. How do I suddenly just talk to him on business and schedules only? God I want him so bad, and I know I could make him so happy.

I told him that while I thought of course we both could find new people, new relationships and they'd be fine. The fact is, is it would be new. You would be learning about that person. Their history, their baggage. What's to say he wouldn't find someone that down the road he'd realize he had communication issue with too so long after the fact.

I told him that's what is so confusing to me. He has someone in front of him right now that truly has an understanding of him, where he has come from, what his goals and dreams are, and what his needs are. This person that he has SO many other good things with. And this person that has promised to dedicate her life to creating happiness for all of us. And yet, it seems easier to start with an unknown than all that good? I just don't get it.

Anyway, sorry. If anyone got through this, you deserve a medal.

Chris

[klm]

(((((Chris)))))
I am sorry you are going through this.

I told him there was a time that he loved me and never could imagine those feelings changing. That if anyone had told him, he would have said no way. So why is he just SO sure that the feelings he has now (no love) cannot change.

I said this word for word to my H. The problem is that you can't convince him of anything right now. This is something he has to figure out on his own.

He has someone in front of him right now that truly has an understanding of him, where he has come from, what his goals and dreams are, and what his needs are. This person that he has SO many other good things with. And this person that has promised to dedicate her life to creating happiness for all of us.

You are trying so hard to convince him. Yes, these things are true but he has to come to that realization on his own. When you do this it makes him feel like you are discounting his feelings. Right or wrong, he is entitled to his feelings and he has to work through them on his own.

You have to let him miss you. Its kinda like...you don't know what you've got until its gone. He doesn't know what life is like without you. In his mind, his problems will be solved....but that is probably not going to be the case.

You will get through this. It is the hardest thing most of us have done, but no matter the outcome, you will be ok.

[klm]

Hey Chris, just checking on you. I hope you are doing ok today.

[7 Year Itch]

Hi Kris,

I am here. Just feeling very antsy. I hate feeling like I'm against the clock. I'm just dreading Monday and praying he will put a stop to it. Not likely, but I don't know how not to hope that he will finally be "struck" with a desire to build this back. We had huge talks again last night. Started with me discussing some career/school goals I have, and trying to figure out if it would be a possibility with his help. To which, one thing led to another and we got into another huge gut wrenching talk. I'm really the DB flunkie. Seriously.

I got mad though last night ,and I half jokingly told him that I wish I could strap on some boxing gloves and just beat the crap out of him and wake him up. To which he started laughing hysterically. I haven't heard him laugh like that in awhile. I didn't know if I should take it positively or be offended. But it still was nice to hear him laugh.

He told me last night that this is so hard for him because he has like 80% of everything he wants, and he had 100%. Again, this frustrates me to no end ,because I said.. "do you know how many people come back from having NOTHING that they want?".

Why can he not see it? We have the home we dreamt of, the community, the friends, the career (him) and mine looming, the amazing kids, great families that desperately want us to work this out, we parent AWESOME together (still even going through this) and last night he admitted that our sex life lastely had been pretty darn great.

But he still just gets stuck on that "but I don't love you, and I never will again". To which (again, bigtime DB flunky here) said....... you know, you didn't love me the moment we met. We dated, we had experiences, we got to know each other, we had fun, and through those positive interactions, love grew. How can you be so sure that by us working to have those times again. Renew our friendship, do fun things as a family, go out on date nights, etc, that love could not grow again? I seriously do want to just smack him, because he is smarter and more logical than this. And I don't understand how he simply from a logical point of view cannnot see that possibility.

Anyway, the night ended as it does often. Us both emotionally drained, and him saying he needs to go downstairs and get sleep before bed.

I just don't know. I so don't want to put our girls through this, and I just know that it does NOT have to be this hard and painful. How can he say he has 80% of everything he ever wanted ,but yet that 20% is not worth fighting for?

Chris