Here's the recap - W moved out in October 07 after saying "ILYBINILWY". I did all the wrong stuff, then found DB in November and worked my butt off, but nothing got better. Found out about OM in Jan 08 - PA from summer 07 that had become EA. From end of January to beginning of March there were a lot of back and forths, including W moving back into house for 2 weeks. But she wouldn't put any energy into anything and kept saying she "didn't understand her feelings but couldn't deny them." So she asked me to wait 6 months while she tried a R with OM. I said no so she asked for D. She filed at the end of April.
So before my last thread locked I had just decided to go dark. W has continued sleeve-tugging - she recognizes we can communicate extremely well and she misses that, so stops by every now and then for long conversations. I finally told her that maybe down the road we could be friends, but not right now. She said she understood and we haven't spoken since. She leaves for 3 weeks at the end of this week.
I'm hoping that going dark will either help her see what she is missing by losing our R or help me get over my emotional connection to her. Moving forward!
OM doesn't seem to be so much of an issue these days. Don't know what's going on with her EA with him. I accept he was a symptom and not the cause of our marital problems, but I place the blame for not being able to address our problems squarely on my W's involvement with him. By not being able to "deny her feelings" she refused to do anything to make our M better, to see how things could change despite my repeated efforts. So I've stopped trying - going dark is just the last piece of that I guess.
Final thought. Our situation is a repeat of something that happened 9 years ago and it's a little scary how identical everything is. I looked through my old letters last night and 7 months into things at that time, she said she had suddenly realized she still cared for me and missed me, but felt detached from her instincts, emotions, and reactions. She said she felt totally relieved when she ended things with me and was sad for what we'd shared and was still trying to figure out what she was missing from me that made her interested in someone else. But her way of dealing with things is to clear everything out and be alone. She said she spent too much time alone growing up to be able to compromise. She wants what she wants and she doesn't think she's willing to compromise her vision of the future. She said she was happy doing what she was doing and she was afraid of anyone else depending on her for anything, even love. She then concluded asking if I could see that it hurt her too, but she just wasn't ready to be with me and she was excited to try things with OM, though she couldn't believe she really was, but she still wanted to see and talk with me.
Fast forward 9 years. She says she's happy doing what she's doing. She wants what she wants and doesn't want to compromise her vision of the future. She still cares for and misses me and hopes she can still see and talk with me, but she wasn't able to go back and be with me.
I can't help but think the next step is for her to start missing our R. Time will tell - 9 years ago the thing that made her come back to me was going out to the field and thinking about me and being alone. When she finally saw OM, she realized what a big mistake it was. I don't think the same thing will happen, though, because last time we weren't having marital problems - there were no bad memories for her to cling to whereas this time there are.
