I don't know whether I am just having a bad day or what but sometimes I do wonder what I am doing? Is everyone else right and I am wrong? i.e. - I am only 26 and should just move on with my life.
Still no news from h.
I had a strange weekend as I spent it with two friends from university and their boyfriend/ husband. The six of us used to spend time together until my h got ill and then they kind of left us out when we couldn't join in with everything, actually at the time I felt a little abandoned by them.
The strange thing was observing what couples were like again as it has been a while since I have been around couples. I did feel like a spare part but it was nice to spend time with them. I do miss that little world that you have when you are with the person you love; I miss my life with H. People keep saying to me that is all very well but it has been a long time since your life was like that. Does that mean that it never can be again? I feel like I am facing an impenetrable wall: my husband. At the moment he is
-living rent free in a gorgeous flat in a trendy part of London -is obsessed by his job -is increasingly into porn on the internet -is having a potential ea or is sexually involved with a woman from his work -is not interested in looking after himself or his health -cannot communicate with me and is self obsessed when he does -he repeatedly says he has nothing left to give me and does not even want to try. But did once say he wasn’t ready to give up but I think he was saying that to pacify me before my holiday as it was when I came back and found out about the potential ea that he said he couldn’t carry on.
What am I doing?! Those are the cold hard facts of now. I feel like I have discovered divorce busting too late. I spent 6 months doing everything wrong. I didn't give him a chance to miss me and I feel like now it has been so long he won't miss me because he won't remember what it was like. At least before Christmas he was still like the old h in his ways with me. Now I might as well be a business colleague.
I am looking for one small thing to keep me going and it is just not happening. I know that I have to have patience but I am tired of waking up every morning and feeling like s***. I am tired of having people feel sorry for me like I am a delusional fool and thinking that they know I would be happier if I just moved on with my life. Would I? Are they right? Inside I really don't feel like I would as I love my h and take my vows to him very seriously but I just don't know what to do for the best. Of course I would find some kind of happiness if I did close this chapter of my life but I want the life I chose for myself i.e. with the man I love. I just hate that I might not have any choice in the matter.
