I felt... whelmed. not under, over, just... whelmed. I felt like I totally hung out with him for WAY TOO LONG, and that he didn't want to hang out with me again because I had over-hung out, blah blah blah...
I had an hour on the commuter train so I called a good friend of mine who is in a similar situation to me except sometimes *she* is T and sometimes she is B. She said her man recently professed his love to her over and over but he *still* acts really vague and evasive just like B does. She said that her man just cannot deal with any kind of pressure or expectation whatsoever. And she described this experience where she was looking into his eyes and telling him over and over that she loved him and she could actually SEE something inside him shut down. I had this sudden flash of insight and I was like, "OH, *that* is why *we* have to be vague and evasive, so we can fit into their warped, vague and evasive reality!!!"
While we were having this convo I got a text from B asking me if I had made the train. I took a sec to text him back "I made it!! Thanks :)" I was so happy he texted me like that because after the goodbye I really wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see me again.
So...... I think it was OK.
On reflection, I think I talked too much. I have a problem where I will launch into a story and I have to deliver the ENTIRE PACKAGE and can't stop til the story is over. I think it is boring and controlling and I've been trying not to do it but I think it happened a lot b/c I was nervous. Our "talking turns" were on the long side, and when it was his turn sometimes it was really hard for me to pay attention b/c I started wondering, am I doing this right? why is his beard so long? what would it be like to touch his face? So I think if I do see him again, I am going to try to be a more supple storyteller. Also I think I was very high energy the whole evening and maybe it came off as though I was trying too hard. I think when my energy is really high his gets kind of low to balance it out! When my energy is low he gets more excited... So next time I will experiment with a lower energy level.
also, upon reflection I really felt like I should have ended the evening earlier, but I guess I was trying to be flexible and make it really clear i wanted to spend time with him (be encouraging).
Overall I feel like maybe I over-confided and got in a little too deep, like telling him that me and my mom cried b/c we were so happy to have a better connection, or my going into some degree of detail about my plans for the future, or gushing about my yoga teacher...
It's like overall even though we were talking about some important things, it was still pretty superficial. There weren't a lot of moments of connection. I think that is what I should focus on in the future. But it is OK, too, because it was the first time we'd seen each other in 8 months and we were both really nervous....
So I guess I just plan to be NYC only as long as he'll be here, and leave it in his lap ??
Muchas gracias to anyone who actually read this whole saga. I can't wait to hear what you guys think about it.
Each of you gave me so much strength tonight. I thought about having you in my pocket, like little jewels of strength I could hold on to.
