OK guys, I am back!!!! Everything went OK. I think I did a good job. I think we had fun. It was good to see him. Warning: this is going to b eREALLY LONG.....we hung out for three hours.
I spent the afternoon break doing my hair and makeup and planning my route and packing my little purse. I left rehearsal half an hour early so I could get there without rushing and ate a little mini dinner before I left so I wouldn't be starvational.
On the train on the way in I did my facercise ( ) and did some deep breathing and visualization. I thought about all the people in the world who wanted me to succeed tonight and all the people who will love me no matter what happened tonight and I imagined all that love flowing through me and out into the world.
While I was on the train B texted me that he was running about 20 mins late and he would call me when he got there. I texted him back not to worry and that I would meet him on the same corner we had said before. Then my train was about 20 minutes late and I made a pit stop to wee and fix my hair and he called me when I was in the bathroom line so I waited to call him until I was done beautifying myself.
I walked to the corner, and on the last block I adjusted my neckline so you could see my extremely hot bra straps just a little bit peeking out. And then I got to the end of the block and he was waiting on the other side of the street and I think maybe he saw me do the "adjustment".
The light changed and it was a little ackward and I just waited on my side of the street so he could cross toward me and we wouldn't meet in the middle of the street. He gave a me a hug, but a minimal contact hug. Then we started walking up 9th avenue to look for a restaurant.
He definitely looked different. He has a almost-bushy beard now, which he's never had before. I have never seen him except with a neatly trimmed beard, or no beard. It actually makes me think he isn't seening anyone else b/c I am not sure any woman would be into this bushy beard!!! ALSO, he was wearing new white sneakers (kinda snazzy) and grey socks kind of pulled up. Later in the evening he made a joke about trying to do the "old man style". He was wearing completely nondescript like dark brown shorts and a dark blue nondescript t shirt. I reflected on this after our time together and it almost made me wonder if he was TRYING to look not sharp. Every other time we've been out to eat he would put on a sexy button down shirt, and he always enjoyed dressing up to go out with me. I wondered if he was sending a message like "this is not a date b/c I am not wearing a nice shirt" or "I can't be bothered to trim my megabeard" or "I can't be bothered to make myself look nice for A TOTAL BABE" ???
He asked me how I was doing at the festival and we talked about that for a while and then I realized I had been talking for awhile so I asked him about a concert he had done earlier in the day. It turns out he went to *listen to* a concert, which is kinda crazy, pre-bomb he never had time to do that kind of thing. It turns out he is doing lots of bluegrass music and is doing a solo concert next monday in new york of bluegrass and bach and maybe some bob dylan!!
We looked for a restaurant and I let him pick which one (huge 180) and he chose an indonesian place. We were there for maybe an hour and half, and then left when it closed at 10.
So... I can't remember everything, so I"ll just share some nuggets of what happened during dinner...
We talked a lot about all the bluegrass stuff he is learning and I was very excited and validational. I told him that it's like he is going through a portal to a different musical language, but on his own instrument. I didn't say this, but I think it's really interesting that he is exploring folk music and carving out an identity for himself that has nothing to do with his string quartet. I like that!!!
He described his summer plans, which included getting ready to do this solo bluegrass concert next week, and then going to california in august to see his family and maybe do some bluegrass performances out there. It sounded like he didn't have any big plans so I asked him if he was going to be in NYC for most of the summer and he said wed after next he was leaving for 6 weeks to be a camp counselor at this music camp he was at last summer with *2* members of his string quartet. I asked, Is your group still together? And then he said, "Wow, I didn't tell you"?
The first violinist left in january and they are searching for a replacement. It looks like the violinist S left b's group in order to join another quartet (which looks really bad, professionally) but b thinks it is actually for different reasons. He hinted, like maybe he wanted to elaborate, but I wasn't sure if I should pry, so I just kept letting him talk. Because S left, B's group couldn't go to aspen's quartet program which is a huge deal. *BUT* S came back just to do the Juilliard String Quartet workshop a couple weeks ago, and the Juilliard guys strongly encouraged B's group to apply for a really prestigious 2 year residency with stipends and rehearsal space adn coaching from Juilliard. They thought they found a replacement violinist who was so perfect, but when she heard about the juilliard residency she told them she couldnt' deal with the commitment, so they are still searching for a replacement and not sure what will happen. (I am not surprised that there were shakeups in B's professional life not and not just his R with me, but I'm sad that violinist S left b/c he was my favorite member other than B.) It is nice to hear they are thinking about trying to stay in new york instead of going to some godforsaken place, and that they are being offered, even informally, such great opportunities! I am not sure I was sufficiently sympathetic about them losing their first violinist. Honestly I feel like B deserves better AND I feel so threatened by the group I wish that they would dissolve and he would find better opportunities elsewhere. I almost feel like the group is the OW or something.
Also, B's 2-3 remaining friends in Boston are either leaving or planning to leave, so he is not sure if he'll still play in the orchestra in Maine if he doesn't have a place to crash halfway there.
He asked me about my summer plans and I told him I was going to be in NYC for a little bit after lyricafest and his face lit up and he said, 'really, when?" and I was super vague, like, "I duno, maybe a couple days or a week or something" (this was before he told me his more specific plans). and then I told him I was going back to VA to spend time with my family, and how things were going much better with them. And then back to ATL for a month, and then up the east coast again for a cello boot camp, back to ATL, out to Iowa for a friend's wedding, and back in ATL. He was confused why I was going to Iowa for the wedding and I explaiend that's where said friend is from and told him I'd probalby just play some solo bach suites and he said, "What? No Dylan??" Which was sweet... a couple years ago I played at a friend's wedding & she requested that I play Dylan and I did a little arrangement with my cello & a harmonica. He told me he might be playing "don't look twice" at his concert next week and I joked about him trying to play the harmonica and the violin at the same time, how it probably wouldn't work with a harmonica holder but maybe he could get some special more Orthodic headgear-like harmonica holder and he laughed really hard.
He asked me about school, I told him (smiling) that it was crazy and I would be glad when it was over, and then explained how I'm still interested in going back to Boston to get another degree, but I'm pretty sure that Boston is not the place for me to fulfill my ultimate potential and I'm not sure where my "spot" is. We talked about how boston is a good place to learn, but not a good place to build, esp b/c there are so many music schools that the market is totally saturated and it is almost impossible to break into the "scene". B told me that he felt that NYC actually was easier to break into than Boston and it made me think (I didn't say this) that maybe I could live in NYC. (I've always thought it would be way too ruthless for me). I discussed the pros &cons of my plan to go to Longy School in boston for my degree, that I wasn't sure I would get a really good network from that school, and he agreed with me he wasn't sure either. I think I did a good job of being open about my concerns still in a confident way. And we talked about how I don't want to get a doctorate in performance, I just want to focus on raising my level... He congratulated me on having my fall recital already scheduled
Because it was an indonesian restaurant, he asked me a lot of questions about the food and the music. And I told him about the gamelan concert I went to yesterday, and my new scheme to support myself by tutoring over the webcam so I could take my clients with me whereever I move instead of having to dissolve & rebuild my business every time I relocate. He seemed to like my idea!!
when the waitress dropped the check, she said the restaurant was closing at 10. B checked his phone and said, "we have plenty of time." I told him earlier in the evening that there were trains back to NJ at 10.11, 11.11, and 12.34. I kind of subconsciously decided just to go with the flow and let him set the pace. When the restaurant closed I went to the bathroom and realized that a little bit of the black lace trim on my bra had been peeking out of the v neckline of my dress all evening. ????
We started walking back to the train and he pointed out that I already missed the 10.11. I told him I could just go back to the station and wait for the 11.11 and entertain myself, he didn't need to hang out with me. Then he said something like, "wouldn't it be easier just to get some dessert?" And asked me how I felt about cheesecake. He tried to remember a place nearby that was supposed to have famous cheesecake and we paused next to some lady cops and I suggested he asked the hot cops where to get cheesecake. and he asked and they were like, "oh, XXXX? Right this way". Then we walked past a strip club and this happened:
B: "or we could just get dessert there" T: "I was actually just about to suggest that" [I was, but I decided not to] B: Maybe it's strip poker night! T: Too bad I didn't wear my *socks* [turns and winks]
!!!!!!! Really!!! it actually happened!!!! I wish it was on video so I could share it with all of you!!!
We got to the special cheesecake place and he asked where I wanted to sit (inside or outside). He said it was up to him and he said, "i chose the restaurant, I chose the dessert place, YOU choose inside or outside" (with a smile) so we went for outside. It had just rained, it was way cooler, the weather was perfect. while we were waiting for our table I told him I liked his new shoes and this is when he told me he was trying to rock the old man style. Then he commented on my shoes (I was wearing these earth flip flops with a aqua leather band) and asked me if they were earth shoes. This was the only comment he made about my appearance the whole evening!!
When we were seated we sat down side by side instead of across from each other at the table. B pulled out the menu and showed me the desserts and we were reading off the same menu (nice). We talked about what the best cheesecake options were and decided on the fresh strawberry pie after asking the waiter if the strawberries were fresh or gloopy. When it came out the strawberry topping was very gelatinous, almost as high as the cheesecake itself, and B made a joke about all my food that evening being very gloopy (at the indonesian place I got these weird gelatinous steamed fish things). Then we shared our cheesecake
At the cheesecake place he asked me about my brother, and we also talked about my dad. I asked him about his family and he told me how he is going out to CA to see his grandparents partly b/c they are kind of going downhill. He also told me about his little brother, and his middle brother....
He pointed out that I might need to catch a cab if I wanted to make the 11.11. I made a joke that I could just shovel the cheesecake down my throat and throw some money on the table. And then he said, "oh, no [you don't have to do that]". We (somewhat leisurely) ate a little more cheesecake and then paid and started walking somewhat fast towards the station.
A couple things happened on the walk toward the station:
-He started describing a silly rap video from youtube and then just said, "I should probably just send it to you". I asked him if he had ever seen "flight of the concords" and described the rap from the video link I posted above. He hadn't seen that one but then HE STARTED SINGING THE FOLLOWING SONG: business time And I started singing along, and we sang this very silly, very sexual song together while walking down 8th avenue or whatever (!!!)
-I told him something like, "It would be nice to hear you play bluegrass sometime" (hinting that I would like to come to his concert next week). (Though I do understand that he might prefer it if I wasn't there, b/c I would probably make it more nervous and stressful, being there). And he said he could include me in the mass email he sends out about the details of the performance. Kind of non comittal. ???
-He asked me when my group was performing at the festival. I told him this Saturday. He asked what else would be on the program and I told him I didn't know but it woudl definitely be good. And I said, "you're invited, but no pressure!" kind of jokey.
-Throughout the evening I kept telling him that I was so excited for all of the positive things he was doing with his life, and he said something like, "I'm really happy with where I'm at right now."
That made me feel weird b/c *Though* I want him to be happy & I understand there are things in his life that make him happy that I am glad about, it is hard for me to understand him being happy with his weird quartet situation and shitty apartment and everything. it was like I didn't believe it, or I didn't want to believe it. but I guess if he really is happy, then that would be a better foundation for us to build a new R on, than him being unhappy. ????
-He asked me if I was doing yoga at lyricafest and I said yes. I told him normally I just go running, then do yoga, then deep relaxation, some positive visualization for what I am trying to manifest, some special requests [prayers] for people who need special help, and then special [prayers] of gratitude for things that are already manifesting. He asked me how I came up with that order and I said it just sort of evolved. And then I talked for a little while about how much I loved my yoga teacher in ATL and how the yoga I am doing right now is getting way more than just physical and opening up and shifting things on a lot of other levels, and I was excited about it.
He helped me find the right entrance to the commuter train station and it was time to say goodbye. I said, "It was good to see you. It would be nice to maybe see you again sometime." And then there was another minimal-contact hug and he said, "yeah, maybe sometime." And then we were like, "OK, take care, bye" and I walked REALLY QUICKLY into the station.
I felt... whelmed. not under, over, just... whelmed. I felt like I totally hung out with him for WAY TOO LONG, and that he didn't want to hang out with me again because I had over-hung out, blah blah blah...
I had an hour on the commuter train so I called a good friend of mine who is in a similar situation to me except sometimes *she* is T and sometimes she is B. She said her man recently professed his love to her over and over but he *still* acts really vague and evasive just like B does. She said that her man just cannot deal with any kind of pressure or expectation whatsoever. And she described this experience where she was looking into his eyes and telling him over and over that she loved him and she could actually SEE something inside him shut down. I had this sudden flash of insight and I was like, "OH, *that* is why *we* have to be vague and evasive, so we can fit into their warped, vague and evasive reality!!!"
While we were having this convo I got a text from B asking me if I had made the train. I took a sec to text him back "I made it!! Thanks :)" I was so happy he texted me like that because after the goodbye I really wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see me again.
So...... I think it was OK.
On reflection, I think I talked too much. I have a problem where I will launch into a story and I have to deliver the ENTIRE PACKAGE and can't stop til the story is over. I think it is boring and controlling and I've been trying not to do it but I think it happened a lot b/c I was nervous. Our "talking turns" were on the long side, and when it was his turn sometimes it was really hard for me to pay attention b/c I started wondering, am I doing this right? why is his beard so long? what would it be like to touch his face? So I think if I do see him again, I am going to try to be a more supple storyteller. Also I think I was very high energy the whole evening and maybe it came off as though I was trying too hard. I think when my energy is really high his gets kind of low to balance it out! When my energy is low he gets more excited... So next time I will experiment with a lower energy level.
also, upon reflection I really felt like I should have ended the evening earlier, but I guess I was trying to be flexible and make it really clear i wanted to spend time with him (be encouraging).
Overall I feel like maybe I over-confided and got in a little too deep, like telling him that me and my mom cried b/c we were so happy to have a better connection, or my going into some degree of detail about my plans for the future, or gushing about my yoga teacher...
It's like overall even though we were talking about some important things, it was still pretty superficial. There weren't a lot of moments of connection. I think that is what I should focus on in the future. But it is OK, too, because it was the first time we'd seen each other in 8 months and we were both really nervous....
So I guess I just plan to be NYC only as long as he'll be here, and leave it in his lap ??
Muchas gracias to anyone who actually read this whole saga. I can't wait to hear what you guys think about it.
Each of you gave me so much strength tonight. I thought about having you in my pocket, like little jewels of strength I could hold on to.
Well done T! You are a beautiful person! I guess it still sounds like you really love B - and after seeing him your feelings havent changed. Sounds like everything you did was a true reflection of yourself - you should be so proud! He is definitely thinking about you and intrigued! It will be interesting to see what he does next. You couldnt have asked for anything more - I guess all those hours in the library paid off!
I LOVE that you stayed at the restaurant till closing time and then he suggested dessert afterwards. If he had been feeling awkward or unpleasant he would have cut the evening short. And how wonderful is it that he text messaged you afterwards! Very thoughtful on his part. It sounds like he really enjoyed catching up with you.
Congratulations on building a bridge of friendship!
It sounds like it went really really well.. no awkward silences, lots of things in common (much of what you talk about makes no sense to me!). I wouldnt read too much into how he looked, like he wasnt making an effort for you, as he did kind of explain - his style had changed. Yours has too! Look how differently you were dressed! I guess you didnt tell him, oh hey I'm rocking a glamorous hot babe look now....
It didnt sound to me liek YOU strung it out, clearly he encouraged you to get desert (and not get your train) and then he ate the desert leisurely. So I wouldnt obsess about that.
So you didnt say whether or not you still fancied him/loved him when you saw him? I'm guessing you were put off by the beard, but other than that, how did you feel? Sinds to me like he is enjoying being a free agent (or has done) and really committed to his music and his career. Theres definetly no other woman on the scene by the looks, so thats a huge positive.
He probably said "Yeah, maybe sometime" in response to you saying lets meet again, because that was brave of you, but did put him on the spot. My BF STILL says "I might call you tonight, or tommorow, maybe" and I have seen him every week since February !! So dont worry about that, I think thats perfectly normal in the situation we are in.
Was there any spark at all? Oh and the not mentioning how good you look? Again, my BF never has done (and I have spent alot of money trying !!) and I dont recall Lisas saying anything for a long time (I think he did comment once?) not Kalni's H, so I think you may have been expecting too much if you were after a compliment!
Sounds like overall it was fun, positive, no backsliding, nobody cried, no awkwardness (apart from the traffic light incident), he said he wanted to send you a funny video clip (meaning he WANTED you to see it, to share it with you, which is good) and he said he would include you on the group email, again, thats good, he also looked pleased you'd be in town for a while.
Lets hope you get to see him again! I reckon you should rock a more casual style next time you see him (not so glam) to match his laid back style (he sounded kind of scruffy in the description you gave!), but you can still do your face and hair..
Well done you, you were yourself and I reckon he had an enjoyable evening. Dont beat yourself up, think of all the positives as you would say to me !!!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think in general everything went well. Granted the situation and the 8 months appart I think everything went great. Don't beat yourself up on any "details". How about sending an email, like "it was nice seeing you again, rebecca" JUST THAT!.
The text he sent was a good sign. He was thinking about you AFTER you left him. You looked great, you were not needy, you didn't bring up and uncomfortable R talks that would scare him away, you mad ehim feel there no stings/expectations attaced to this evening. So, I bet next time will be much easier for him to accept an invitation or initiate a meeting. I wouldn't be surprised if he came over to watch you play although I am not quite sure I get the locations and time schedule right...
Good job T, it wasn't as difficult as you thought it would be, right? LOVE K
I have just read your thread and I am soooo pleased for you. It sounds like it went really well. You have given me inspiration to continue with the whole dark thing, I was on the point of giving up on all of it. The darkness and relationship...
I especially like the fact that he CHOSE to spend the extra time with you when he could have easily left - the whole cheesecake thing was great. Plus you got to eat cheescake which can never be a bad thing :-)
) and did some deep breathing and visualization. I thought about all the people in the world who wanted me to succeed tonight and all the people who will love me no matter what happened tonight and I imagined all that love flowing through me and out into the world.
