ms ladybug SQUISHED!

[Dom R]

Ok, "solutions" post from me.
Side comment: You are SOOO lucky that you are a woman, dealing with a man. Men are easy to please, if you find out what they want. He tells you what he wants, you give it to him... he's happy! we really are that simple.

Your husband still loves you. He's giving up on you, because he doesnt believe you love HIM, enough to give him what he needs. That hurts him, so he's taking actions to cut away the hurt.

All you have to do, is show him by your actions, that he is mistaken about you.
Give him what he needs, in a consistent enough fashion that he eventually believes you'll KEEP doing that... and he will be happy.

He'll probably protest at first that he doesnt believe you'll change, and that he's done... but that's a test, of sorts. If you just ignore that, and keep doing it... eventually, he will believe you. if, you are consistant about it.
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First off, I would like to suggest that you email him back. Tell him that he is right about what he said about you, and that you are sorry that you did not treat him better.

If you mean it, that may help start the "defusing" process, better than just saying nothing to him.


After that, what I would like to suggest to you, is that you start down the long road of healing your marriage.
Until he is willing to see an MC... it's all going to be on you. The good news is, you have a road map of what you can do.


I suggest that you look at his list, and pick ONE THING to tackle at a time. Try to pick the thing that would have the biggest impact, but also something that could be shown to him as "changed", in a short time.
Then, when you find a "solution" to it, that you feel comfortable works for both of you and you can stick to... pick another thing from his list to work on.

I would like to suggest to you, if it is possible, that the first thing you might choose to work on, could be one of those "unresolved arguments that date back to when we first got married". Sometimes, the deepest hurts, are old hurts. If you manage to come up with a way to resolve even ONE of them... it will mean a lot to him.

So... email him today, "you're sorry"... email him tomorrow, about a way to resolve one of the old hurts ? Ideally, it would be an issue that you can somehow SHOW him it is resolved.
eg:
issue: "we always fought over what to do with [some silly item]".
resolution: sell it, give it back, move it to the attic, do whatever it takes to resolve it.
If you dont know how to resolve them... post the issues, and ask for suggestions.



PS: about your thinking he "doesnt want to hear anything from you right now"...
He probably doesnt want to hear arguing. because he wont trust you.

He WOULD want to hear a heartfelt acknowlegement of what he is saying, and an apology from you.
Most people would want that. But your husband even MORE, because it's the last thing he would expect from you specifically. He would NEVER expect that you of all people, would actually apologise and say you were wrong to him. Am I right on that?
If so, it would definately get his attention. It wont magically change his position... but it should at least bring him one step closer to you. To make him more willing to listen to you, the next time you say something.

[Sara]

I would just like to say that I am not trying to conradict Dom. I usually agree very much with his advice. In this case, though, I think Dom is projecting too much of his own personality onto your H. I think if Dom were your husband, all his advice would work. But your H is not Dom.

You know your H best, and you know how best to approach him. I think you need to decide what you think is best for you.

[ms ladybug]

Today, when I went to pick up the kids from my in-laws. H walked into the kitchen. His mom had made him some lunch, and put it on a tray for him. They do a lot of eating in front of the TV, so she had his food on a tray. I was sitting at the table with the kids helping them have a snack. So, I was very surprised when H took his tray over to the table and sat down with us. I made some small talk about a few people that I saw at the baby shower and how they're doing (the shower was h's friends wife). He actually LOOKED at me! I was expecting the head down, look everywhere except at me that I got the day before. In fact, for a moment we made eye contact and held it for a bit without saying anything. Not much.

God, what a sorry state you're in when you're happy that your spouse LOOKS at you.

I sent him a quick email. Simple and short. I didn't ask for a response from him, but I simply said something to him that I'd been thinking about in regards to respect. Then, I added that again, I understood his frustration with me, and that I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

Going dark is so dang hard this weekend. Tomorrow is his aunts party, and we're all going out. I really didn't expect h to go since it's at the tea house, but I heard him mention it today to his mom. So, I guess he'll be there.

Not sure what to expect...

[Sara]

Sometimes I think the tears and the venom are analogous. It feels like you have an endless supply of them, and once you start you won't be able to stop. But then at some point, if you let it out, you might come to the end of it. Maybe he got out enough of his anger to feel better. I hope that he will approach you in the next few days for more contact. This is the calm after the storm. Enjoy the peace for a while. There is a lot of cleaning up to do (figuratively speaking).

[Dom R]

Going dark is so dang hard this weekend.

sigh....
"going dark" is still the wrong thing for you to be doing.
"giving him space", sure. but going dark? no.


It sounds like you did the best thing, at his parents' house, though.

I sent him a quick email. Simple and short. I didn't ask for a response from him, but I simply said something to him that I'd been thinking about in regards to respect. Then, I added that again, I understood his frustration with me, and that I wouldn't want to talk to me either.

its nice that you kind of acknowleged what he said. Doesn't sound like you really went deep enough, though. He is well beyond "frustration". Putting it as that, does not show him that you fully understand the level of pain he is going through, and has gone through, in the past years. If he is in the wrong mood when he reads your email, he may feel like it cheapens his pain.

May I suggest that it takes a man, to fully understand another man's perspective.
I have given you the "male perspective" on his feelings and reactions.
Both TwinDad, and I say, that it's all about showing him that you can change for the better.
"going dark", doesnt do that. Just the opposite, in fact.

PS: What did you tell him "In regards to respect"?

[jon2911]

This is killing me. I have a song on my ipod from Casting Crowns called "Praise you in this Storm" and I've listened to it a thousand times this morning.

Great song! I did the exact same thing when first separated. Need to play that one again.

God, what a sorry state you're in when you're happy that your spouse LOOKS at you.

I know it's sad. But I'm so encouraged to hear about that visit. Huge. I know it's hard to see it, but try and lower your expectations for a while.

As for the e-mail, my first thought was how much work he put into it. Agree with Dom there. H obviously doesn't think you've heard him yet. Keep listening.

[ms ladybug]

No response yet. I'm not sure if he checked his email or not. Likely he will when he gets off work tonight.
Lunch was OK. A birthday card was sent around before h showed up, and I really struggled with how to sign it, but I just went ahead and wrote both our names. He showed up really late, and sat down next to me. Of course, that's where the kids where. So, he could have done that for that reason. We had a little small talk. He told me about a couple purchases he just made and how much he spent (remember I still do our finances). His cousin then handed him the card to sign, and I said, "oh I already signed your name." He said, "ok" and handed the card back. There didn't seem to be any weirdness in it at all, which I was happy about.
He still doesn't say good-bye to me. He goes around hugging everyone saying good-bye when he leaves, expect for me. Even on the phone, when the kids call to say good-night, I get on the phone at the end, and he says, "I need to go" and hangs up. Not even a good-bye just a click.

I know it's about showing him that I've changed, but after this much time, he's not going to beleive anything. He's given up.

[Sara]

Ladybug,

Are you guilty of all the things he accuses you of?

[ms ladybug]

Sadly enough.

I think a biggee that he refers to is us moving to Tennessee. I DO NOT want to move, nor do I think our marriage is any state to move right now. ALL our family is here. His best friend is going to move to TN. He thinks I wouldn't have to work if we move and he thinks that should convince me enough.
I'm scared at the thought. If we move, and our marriage is still crappy...I'd be stuck there. I couldn't take the kids back to CA. ALL my family is here, and I need them. He wants me to move, where I know NO ONE, with a crappy marriage, no friends, no family, no church. No thanks.

[Sara]

I see. This is not just a marital problem, it is you putting the brakes on his desired move.

We moved from Louisiana to Florida almost 3 years ago. i thought I would be happy with the move. But I was not prepared for how unsettling it was. It was compounded by the fact that our La. house lost most of its roof 2 weeks later in Hurricane Katrina. So, while we were happy to be living in a house with a roof and air conditioning and electricity far away from the morass of problems of life in La., we also were traumatized by the problems we faced at a great distance. And we were hit with strong nostalgia for our home and New Orleans. We were here, but mentally we were still there for the at least the first 6 months.

And I have no friends here, just acquaintances. So I understand your reluctance. I had no family in either place, so that didn't make a difference to me.

Perhaps there is a compromise, if you can fix the marriage and then go. But perhaps there is no compromise possible. I don't know. The best thing is to find a good counselor and try to get help. You have young children. This decision will have ramifications for years to come.