For the Guy with Kids and a WW4

[hopeful4her]

I was trying to catch up on MfromTennessee sitch. Interesting.

WW calls me. I answered, damn it!

Says she has to cut short the adventure. Now what, I ask.

After health club, on the way to wallymart, she says how beautiful the night was and rolled down her window! Stuck down position again. I start laughing at her. She is talking and telling me about this morning how she prayed it would roll up on the way to work. It did. I tell her maybe it will work tomorrow again. She mentions she is sick of everything breaking down. I say, "Tell me about it."

Next thing you know, I am asking how the work out was. Not very good. Chasing a certain you know who around(D6). I tell her maybe next time. Was going to go get some salads, now just going to McD's. Maybe call MIL to switch cars for a couple hours and still go to wallymart. I tell her to do it. She is.

Then she says, "Let me call you later, I have to order now."

I say ok. Bye.

I cannot for the life of me stay out of conversation with this woman!

kat, I'm not really depressed. Was just a little meloncholy. Fridays are long days for me. I should have gone out for margaritas. I was invited earlier by a coworker. The friend I helped reconcile with his W. I know I should have.

Puppy, I googled enmeshment. WOW. It is both of us. At least it WAS both of us. An eye opener.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, I googled enmeshment. WOW. It is both of us. At least it WAS both of us. An eye opener.

Was for me too, dude. I remember when my wife and I went thru the pre-marriage classes with a sponsorship couple, before we got married. Had to do this little workbook and everything. One of the exercises asked "What do you love about your fiance?" My answer?

"That she loves ME so much."

Blcccch.

[hopeful4her]

You know what's funny? These past few times you given me a "Blcccch", I keep seeing Snoopy making that sound.

Too funny!

[hopeful4her]

WW called pretty late last night. I had fallen asleep. They did too. They were watching a movie at MIL's house and everyone fell asleep. I asked her if they were just going to spend the night there and she said yeah. I told her it was best. A long drive. She say they never made it to wallymart.

Goodnight.

This morning, I was up later than normal. Not a bad night of sleep. I get up and around. WW calls me but it is actually D6. She is saying she just got out of the shower and is wearing grandma's robe. I am joking with her. I love her so much. "I love you to, daddy." She says D11 is still asleep and snoring. We laugh. She says, "Do you want to talk to mommy?" I say ok.

She tells me good morning. Good morning. She still sounds sleepy. She tell me that she went out to the car this morning and got the window to go up. I tell her to put some tape over the switch. She says she will. I ask what her plans are. She still wants to go to the store and just do some things.

I forgot that last night, before she said goodbye, she told me, "Well, I just thought I would call and give you a good laugh."

I tell her ok, and to enjoy the day. She tells me to check the account because the card would not work last night. I tell her ok.

Booboos on the bank account. Mortgage payment came out a couple days earlier than expected. Spent morning trying to fix and talking to bank and mortgage company. I go to bank and fix the problems. Ok.

Head to my parents house to visit. They are mixed about seeing me. Mad at me for not coming around. My mother is so hurt about my sitch that she can't stand it. I feel like I do not have any support for what I am trying to do here. They don't understand. Everytime I go over, it is, "So, does she still want to leave? Is she still the same way?"

Ultimatly leads to talking about WW and our M. Mother gets upset. Can't understand. Doesn't think that she can forgive her. I tell her she can't think that way, because what if we get back together. My mother is stubborn.

Now ya'll know why I am who I am. She is the ultimate worry wort. I get it from her. I get my patience and understanding from dad.

I apologize to mom for not coming around and start to explain why. We talk a bit. They hurt for me. I know. Just support me. I will not stay away. I just don't want to discuss my sitch everytime I come over.

I call S14's dad on the way home. I gave me a check to pay for a Six Flags ticket last week and it bounced. He admitted it and told me he will take care of it today or tomorrow. I tell him I'll call him.

I call WW. She is just leaving MIL's house to go to store. I tell her account is ok. She says she is not going to use that account anyway. Just wanted me to fix it. Heading to wallymart. I tell her about her ex and she gets upset. Did you tell him to pay us and the fee? Yes. He will. She tells me to call him back and ask him if he wants to pick up S14 from a friends house. Get the money from him then. I say ok.

I pick up S myself and head home. I start to clean the house. Take puppies out to pen and clean the mess in our bathroom and laundry room.

The horror.

Washing clothes. Putting away clothes. Make my bed. Vaccuming. I hear S14 call WW. Talking about something she was supposed to buy him. Swimming shorts, I think. I can hear her describing them. I hear her ask what we are doing. He says, "Just relaxing".

I hear, "Hmmm".

I can hear her now. Just being lazy, I bet.

I hear son ask her where she is. She hates that question. I hear, "We are out and about, ok?" He says "Nk". She probably thinks I told our son to call her, too.

I have not heard from WW since my call to her earlier. I got a lot done in the house.

I do want her to call me. Just like we used to. Last time I talked to her was about 12:30. I don't expect her to.

Think I'll throw some ribs on the 'que today.

[lodo]

Hey h4h - just checking in but the thought of ribs made my mouth water! Want to send some my way?

[hopeful4her]

I'm not a gourmet like you, lodo. I can grill though. Some of the stuff you been making....sounds great

Ok.

Yesterday, WW got back with D's. Very distant. D's and S14 got some new stuff. Jewelery from Claire's, too.

I tell her I'm cooking ribs. They are her favorite also, by the way. I didn't do it for her, though. Promise.

I ask if she wants baked potato's as well. "I don't know." She is out there. I go out and start to cook. My big smokey charcoal pit, I might add. Later, WW comes out for a smoke. She could have gone out front. She came out back. Ok. She asks what I did today. I tell her. She asks what my folks had to say. She has that look. These knows how they feel about her already. She's gonna miss them.

She sits on the steps of the deck. Ok?


Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick......



"I found an apartment."

I maintain. I have been expecting this. I really have. I didn't want it, but I got it.

"Where?"
She tells me. Its the same one's that I had seen in the brochure I found. In town. I would have to pass it going out and coming back home.

"Did you sign the lease?"
"They are checking my credit."
"When are you leaving?"
"Could be in two weeks. I told the girls."
"What did they say?"
"They are worried about you. About you being alone."
"Did you tell your mother?"
"Yes."
"What does she think?"

I'm still being pretty cool. I am sure that I now look distant. Probably look confused. Trying to think of what to say. What do I say? What do I want to tell her?

All the kids come rushing out to jump on our tramp. As usual. Interuption from the kids.

I continue to grill. As I am grilling, the kids are having a blast. I am standing at the grill. The smoke is not bothering me. I realize that my tears are protecting my eyes. I don't turn around. WW stays around for a while and says she is going inside to make some potato chips. I am watching my kids in disbelief. This can't happen. This isn't supposed to happen. Not to us.

I finish, take the ribs inside, grab my keys and tell WW I'll be back later. I go to a friends house. He is not home. I know how to get in. He told me how, just in case. Best friend I got. I call him and tell him. I just need a place to sit and clear my head. I'm alright. Surprisingly. He says he is not coming back tonight, so stay as long as I want. He says I should go home later, though. I told him I was. Just needed to get out.

Sitting on his bed, I end up laying down. I'm kind of tired.

I am wondering if she is going to call me. If I'm alright. What kind of friend isn't going to check on someone that just heard that. I never leave the house. She knows that I was upset.

Thirty minutes later, my phone rings. I do not answer. Voicemail.
It is D11. "Momma wanted me to call you to see if you wanted us to wait for you to eat? Call us. Ok? Bye."

I don't return the call. I actually fall asleep. Two hours later, another call. I don't answer.
Voicemail.
It is WW. "Seeing if you are alright. Your daughters are worried. Me too. I'm sorry, but I made my decision. I still want us to be friends. We have to be good parents." She is trying to sound business like. She sounds a little emotional. "Please call us back. I'm calling on behalf of your daughters. They want to know you are alright."

I decide to go home. I call back.

"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm ok."
"Ok."
"Your daughters want to talk to you."

D6. "Where are you, daddy?"
"I just went for a drive, baby."
"Come home, daddy." I can tell she has been crying.
"I'm on my way home right now. I am almost home. Dont' cry, ok?"
I am trying to hard not to cry, but not doing a good job.

"Ok, daddy."
"Let me talk to D11."

"Hi, daddy. Where are you?"
"I just went for a drive, baby. I'm almost home."
"Are you ok, daddy?"
I am fighting back tears, "Yeah, I'm ok. I'm almost home."
Bye. Bye daddy.

I get home and WW comes out of our bedroom with D6. She is bawling. D6, that is.
I'm crying as I am writing this.
I tell her its ok. She is hugging my so tightly. D11 comes also. She is strong, but I can tell she has been crying. She is hugging me.
D6 is taking this badly. All she kept saying was that she didn't want me to be alone. Over and over.
"I am going to be so sad, daddy. If we can't see you no more. Your going to be all alone. At dinner, you can't say the prayer, because there will not be anyone with you."
I reassure her that I will be ok, and that we will see each other all the time. All the time. And I won't be alone, because they are always in my heart. All of them.

This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I saw that WW had been crying, too. I am laying on the floor with my girls. They are in my arms. I am holding them tightly. So tightly.

I apologize to D6 for leaving. I will never do that again. I apologize to D11. "I'm so sorry. I tried. I tried."
She is crying. "It's ok, daddy. I guess our plan didn't work."

We are laying on the floor for about 20 minutes. D6 stayed with me. We start to talk. She is so emotional and tired. Telling me how she is going to give me pictures of her. I try to change the subject and ask about her day. We talk about her day and we are laughing again.

I put them to bed. I clean up. No words for WW. She is quiet. I get in bed. She stays up and is sitting on sofa.

Later, I wake up.

She ended up falling asleep on sofa, sitting up. I would usually wake her and tell her to get to bed.
Or cover her with a blanket if she is super tired.

I do neither.

I just turn off the lights and go to bed.

This morning, D's are still all over me. WW is up very early. I actually slept late again. She is cooking breakfast. She tells me good morning. I say good morning.

She is going to church today with us. I feel her getting in a mood. I am quiet to her. No questions. Only answer her if I need to. She is bothered.

We all go to church. Church bulletin for todays sermon.

"Is God in your marriage?"

What are the odds. We haven't gone to church for the past 3 weeks or so.

We are singing praises and WW is starting to bawl. A lot. Tears flowing.

Pastor announces that today is a little different. For singles, splitting up and going to another room after tithing. Married will stay.

This should be interesting. Where is she going to go. She stays.

Pastor is full of conviction today. S14 is between us. Very good sermon. How do you know if God is in your marriage. God can do anything. You have to repent. We are not perfect. Divorce is to common. Divorce affects the children. Thier children. The church, the city, the country. I can see her wiping her tears. I am calm.

Waiting for the bolt of lighting to hit. It is coming. I know it.

Later, praying and I do not go forward. Pastor asked couples that needed prayers to come up and he would pray for them. She stays and is talking and hugging S14.

Remember he is leaving too. Going to live with his dad. What she is doing is what originally got him to leave. Now he just says that he wants to spend his high school years with his dad. S14 once told WW that now she might know what it is like to have someone leave. She was ragging on his dad and upset that he wanted to leave.

I felt good and bad about his response to her.

WW started to let it all out. Crying. Bawling. Wailing actually. Talking to S. I am on my knees crying. I can't really understand what she is telling him, even thought she is being really loud. A couple come to pray over us. I never look up. I don't know who it was, but they knew our names.

Service ends. We gather ourselves. We go get D's from kids church. I am still not talking to WW. I am dark. I do respond to her if she asks me something. She is trying to talk to me. I am being upbeat, but quiet. Not sad.

Maybe a little sad.

We get home. WW makes lunch. Serves me. We are watching tv while we eat in the living room. WW brings me seconds. She puts other stuff on my plate that I didn't ask for. I look at D11. She looks at me. We shrug at each other and laugh.

They are playing with puppies. Later relaxing and D6 falls asleep on me on the sofa. I am playing with her hair. WW sits on sofa and puts D6 feet on her. WW asks me if I want a haircut.

I'm sure I looked confused. I say that I DO need a trim and clean up.

She is racked with guilt. I don't know if I should work it in my favor. Or if I do, how?

I will be dark. Not mean. Just not talking to her unless she talks to me.

WW cooked dinner and we ate at the table. D6 wants my place at the head of the table today. I say ok and sit in her place next to WW. WW tells me to say grace. I say grace and end with, "And please let us follow your path. Amen." We eat as a family. D11 finishes early and leave to go to computer. S14 yells to her to come back. "We are having a family dinner!"

I could be so sarcastic right now. I might be bleeding from biting my lip. We finish. I clean up. WW needs to take S14 to wallymart for something. D's want to go at first. WW asks if I want to go. I tell her no, to go ahead and go. D's decide to stay with me.

WW is not going to win Mother of the Year awards this year.

Very enjoyable day, otherwise.

Again, I am surprisingly ok.

Might even let her cut my hair. Still deciding.

[hopeful4her]

And I'm having a blast with my girls while she is gone.

Just thought I'd quickly add.

[kat727]

Can I be so bold to ask why the girls aren't staying with you, in their home. She wants to leave, there's the door but is this what your kids want? Is this what you want? Who says she get's to have them?

I cried reading your post and I am sorry it has come to this. Maybe her credit won't be good enough on it's own. Maybe today was a big truth dart.

kat

[hopeful4her]

kat, we have gone back and forth on this. I always said, "Leave, but your not taking the kids."

She always says, "I'm not leaving with out the girls."

Back and forth. The only thing I can think of is legal action. I do not have the funds. I have my sister trying to help me with this, as she is a para legal now, but fresh out of school. I am thinking about what to discuss with her. I want at least 50/50 time. Maybe a week or two there and same here. I am trying to gather my thoughts and any advice here is appreciated. I do not see how she can afford it.

Today, we went to the video store, and I overheard a call. Apperantly from the apartments. I heard her telling that them something about proving her income. Credit must have passed. Still not sure.

She gets paid bi weekly. The rent is about $150 over one of her checks alone.

I can see getting seperated. It may be what she needs. May be what I need, too. I'd rather not, of course. Always felt like chances are better with her here. As you can read, we are on pretty good terms. Just that she has two different lives. At the very least, she's two different people.

It is the kids. I have to figure out how to keep my kids with me. I don't want to put them in the middle. Not going to make them choose. I have a feeling what D11 might choose, though. It is just sad.

I can only hope that today was a HUGE truth dart.

God has spoken to her before, I feel. She just has chosen to ignore or change it to what she thinks is to her advantage. Like her stroke. Trying to figure out the discussion to have with her. Friend angle? Threat angle? Deep discussion about church? I am trying to figure it out.

What do you think? Again, advice?

[lodo]

Hey H4H,

I'm good with veggies but because I was a guide (feed the guests ASAP) I usually just throw meat on and burn it for awhile - never try anything new so I'm sure you could teach me something.

She's DEFINITELY racked with guilt, but if I were you I'd concentrate on trying to smooth out your reactions. I KNOW how hard it is. Believe me, I'm still struggling with that, but you can't be in a space where you have to physically leave your own house right before dinner or you'll go crazy. Especially when you knew this was coming. This isn't a 2x4, think of it as a 1x3 - I just am concerned that you're making things worse for yourself.

The sitch has got to play itself in a natural progression and that's going to take time, patience, love, and understanding. And the understanding part includes the fact that you may end up divorced. So be as strong as possible for yourself and for your children - they especially need to see that strength in someone they look up to.

These are the cards we've been dealt. Others have suffered much more, so just keep that in mind. Come here to vent and keep taking care of yourself - emotionally as well as physically.

lodo