For the Guy with Kids and a WW4

[hopeful4her]

I'm not a gourmet like you, lodo. I can grill though. Some of the stuff you been making....sounds great

Ok.

Yesterday, WW got back with D's. Very distant. D's and S14 got some new stuff. Jewelery from Claire's, too.

I tell her I'm cooking ribs. They are her favorite also, by the way. I didn't do it for her, though. Promise.

I ask if she wants baked potato's as well. "I don't know." She is out there. I go out and start to cook. My big smokey charcoal pit, I might add. Later, WW comes out for a smoke. She could have gone out front. She came out back. Ok. She asks what I did today. I tell her. She asks what my folks had to say. She has that look. These knows how they feel about her already. She's gonna miss them.

She sits on the steps of the deck. Ok?


Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick......



"I found an apartment."

I maintain. I have been expecting this. I really have. I didn't want it, but I got it.

"Where?"
She tells me. Its the same one's that I had seen in the brochure I found. In town. I would have to pass it going out and coming back home.

"Did you sign the lease?"
"They are checking my credit."
"When are you leaving?"
"Could be in two weeks. I told the girls."
"What did they say?"
"They are worried about you. About you being alone."
"Did you tell your mother?"
"Yes."
"What does she think?"

I'm still being pretty cool. I am sure that I now look distant. Probably look confused. Trying to think of what to say. What do I say? What do I want to tell her?

All the kids come rushing out to jump on our tramp. As usual. Interuption from the kids.

I continue to grill. As I am grilling, the kids are having a blast. I am standing at the grill. The smoke is not bothering me. I realize that my tears are protecting my eyes. I don't turn around. WW stays around for a while and says she is going inside to make some potato chips. I am watching my kids in disbelief. This can't happen. This isn't supposed to happen. Not to us.

I finish, take the ribs inside, grab my keys and tell WW I'll be back later. I go to a friends house. He is not home. I know how to get in. He told me how, just in case. Best friend I got. I call him and tell him. I just need a place to sit and clear my head. I'm alright. Surprisingly. He says he is not coming back tonight, so stay as long as I want. He says I should go home later, though. I told him I was. Just needed to get out.

Sitting on his bed, I end up laying down. I'm kind of tired.

I am wondering if she is going to call me. If I'm alright. What kind of friend isn't going to check on someone that just heard that. I never leave the house. She knows that I was upset.

Thirty minutes later, my phone rings. I do not answer. Voicemail.
It is D11. "Momma wanted me to call you to see if you wanted us to wait for you to eat? Call us. Ok? Bye."

I don't return the call. I actually fall asleep. Two hours later, another call. I don't answer.
Voicemail.
It is WW. "Seeing if you are alright. Your daughters are worried. Me too. I'm sorry, but I made my decision. I still want us to be friends. We have to be good parents." She is trying to sound business like. She sounds a little emotional. "Please call us back. I'm calling on behalf of your daughters. They want to know you are alright."

I decide to go home. I call back.

"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm ok."
"Ok."
"Your daughters want to talk to you."

D6. "Where are you, daddy?"
"I just went for a drive, baby."
"Come home, daddy." I can tell she has been crying.
"I'm on my way home right now. I am almost home. Dont' cry, ok?"
I am trying to hard not to cry, but not doing a good job.

"Ok, daddy."
"Let me talk to D11."

"Hi, daddy. Where are you?"
"I just went for a drive, baby. I'm almost home."
"Are you ok, daddy?"
I am fighting back tears, "Yeah, I'm ok. I'm almost home."
Bye. Bye daddy.

I get home and WW comes out of our bedroom with D6. She is bawling. D6, that is.
I'm crying as I am writing this.
I tell her its ok. She is hugging my so tightly. D11 comes also. She is strong, but I can tell she has been crying. She is hugging me.
D6 is taking this badly. All she kept saying was that she didn't want me to be alone. Over and over.
"I am going to be so sad, daddy. If we can't see you no more. Your going to be all alone. At dinner, you can't say the prayer, because there will not be anyone with you."
I reassure her that I will be ok, and that we will see each other all the time. All the time. And I won't be alone, because they are always in my heart. All of them.

This was the hardest thing I have ever done. I saw that WW had been crying, too. I am laying on the floor with my girls. They are in my arms. I am holding them tightly. So tightly.

I apologize to D6 for leaving. I will never do that again. I apologize to D11. "I'm so sorry. I tried. I tried."
She is crying. "It's ok, daddy. I guess our plan didn't work."

We are laying on the floor for about 20 minutes. D6 stayed with me. We start to talk. She is so emotional and tired. Telling me how she is going to give me pictures of her. I try to change the subject and ask about her day. We talk about her day and we are laughing again.

I put them to bed. I clean up. No words for WW. She is quiet. I get in bed. She stays up and is sitting on sofa.

Later, I wake up.

She ended up falling asleep on sofa, sitting up. I would usually wake her and tell her to get to bed.
Or cover her with a blanket if she is super tired.

I do neither.

I just turn off the lights and go to bed.

This morning, D's are still all over me. WW is up very early. I actually slept late again. She is cooking breakfast. She tells me good morning. I say good morning.

She is going to church today with us. I feel her getting in a mood. I am quiet to her. No questions. Only answer her if I need to. She is bothered.

We all go to church. Church bulletin for todays sermon.

"Is God in your marriage?"

What are the odds. We haven't gone to church for the past 3 weeks or so.

We are singing praises and WW is starting to bawl. A lot. Tears flowing.

Pastor announces that today is a little different. For singles, splitting up and going to another room after tithing. Married will stay.

This should be interesting. Where is she going to go. She stays.

Pastor is full of conviction today. S14 is between us. Very good sermon. How do you know if God is in your marriage. God can do anything. You have to repent. We are not perfect. Divorce is to common. Divorce affects the children. Thier children. The church, the city, the country. I can see her wiping her tears. I am calm.

Waiting for the bolt of lighting to hit. It is coming. I know it.

Later, praying and I do not go forward. Pastor asked couples that needed prayers to come up and he would pray for them. She stays and is talking and hugging S14.

Remember he is leaving too. Going to live with his dad. What she is doing is what originally got him to leave. Now he just says that he wants to spend his high school years with his dad. S14 once told WW that now she might know what it is like to have someone leave. She was ragging on his dad and upset that he wanted to leave.

I felt good and bad about his response to her.

WW started to let it all out. Crying. Bawling. Wailing actually. Talking to S. I am on my knees crying. I can't really understand what she is telling him, even thought she is being really loud. A couple come to pray over us. I never look up. I don't know who it was, but they knew our names.

Service ends. We gather ourselves. We go get D's from kids church. I am still not talking to WW. I am dark. I do respond to her if she asks me something. She is trying to talk to me. I am being upbeat, but quiet. Not sad.

Maybe a little sad.

We get home. WW makes lunch. Serves me. We are watching tv while we eat in the living room. WW brings me seconds. She puts other stuff on my plate that I didn't ask for. I look at D11. She looks at me. We shrug at each other and laugh.

They are playing with puppies. Later relaxing and D6 falls asleep on me on the sofa. I am playing with her hair. WW sits on sofa and puts D6 feet on her. WW asks me if I want a haircut.

I'm sure I looked confused. I say that I DO need a trim and clean up.

She is racked with guilt. I don't know if I should work it in my favor. Or if I do, how?

I will be dark. Not mean. Just not talking to her unless she talks to me.

WW cooked dinner and we ate at the table. D6 wants my place at the head of the table today. I say ok and sit in her place next to WW. WW tells me to say grace. I say grace and end with, "And please let us follow your path. Amen." We eat as a family. D11 finishes early and leave to go to computer. S14 yells to her to come back. "We are having a family dinner!"

I could be so sarcastic right now. I might be bleeding from biting my lip. We finish. I clean up. WW needs to take S14 to wallymart for something. D's want to go at first. WW asks if I want to go. I tell her no, to go ahead and go. D's decide to stay with me.

WW is not going to win Mother of the Year awards this year.

Very enjoyable day, otherwise.

Again, I am surprisingly ok.

Might even let her cut my hair. Still deciding.