First off Donna, yes we are both adults. She is 25 and I am 39,that is a significant age difference.
My dilemma is that I feel guilty for valuing "me time" and am not used to feeling guilty when it comes to my children.
I talked to Kev for a long time today. He has a very different perspective on things and eased my mind a little bit. He gave me some insight as to why I am feeling bad. It is IMO because for so long I have fought this battle to have my children with me. I have not ever wanted time away from them. Now that I actually am grasping that this is what my life with my kids will be from now on, I am actually craving that alone time.
The girlfriend came over tonight. We talked a lot about how I am feeling and she seems to understand. She says that she loves that I am so into my kids because in her culture most dads simply walk away and do not look back and the mothers are left to raise the children. She has no kids, but says that if she ever did she would want a man to fight for his children as well.
She told me that in El Salvador it is not uncommon for a man to have kids with 2 or 3 different women and to only be a father to the children of the current woman that he is with. Pretty sad........
I still crave the day when my kids come home to me, so it isnt that. However, when they are with me at some point it switches to me craving that time alone and with the girlfriend. As I said, it just doesnt feel stable to have different feelings on different days.
Someone posted, ATGO I believe, that it is ok to not have constant stability. I guess I just didnt get that. I love the stability of married life. I miss that feeling that everything is flowing on a track.
We also spoke tonight about my kids and she understands that I do not want them introduced to anyone new in my life until I am sure that it is a long term thing as I do not want them hurt getting to know someone and then having them removed from their lives. She understood that as well and told me when and if that time comes, we will talk about it then.
The one odd question that she asked me was if I am over my wife. I told her, "Yes and no, I am over wanting to be with her but I am still hurt by all that transpired to end our marriage." I also asked to not to mistake that for any desire to be with my STBX. I guess in retrospect it isn't that odd. She has every right to ask that question of me as I am sure it scares her dating an older guy in the middle of a divorce with three kids. Jeesh.... what the hell is she doing with me
