Postponing Father's Day

[Sophie]

I've been feeling little weird, didn't really know where it was coming from...then it hit me.

Father's Day is next weekend and....I feel obligated to do something. But, I feel obligated to ME to do...nothing!

I just want the day to slip by...just as my WAH has...slipped away from his kids and family life.

I'm anticipating a repeat from the last two years, and I don't want to participate in making a hero out of a man who has not been a father to our kids for 3 years now. He has only been around for 2 months out of this year,since Sept, and that was this Mar. and Apr. for soccer season.

The kids have been making plans with their friends already...swimming, theme park, friend's bday, and the opening of our subdivision's pool. H can partake in the pool opening if it actually happens, but he hasn't been interested in anything in this neighborhood.

It's okay if H remains 'invisible' as he as been again, since Mother's Day, which he did not acknowledge for me at all.

I don't know what to say if he 'appears' out of the woodwork (ha...he is in custom woodworking...that wasn't meant to be a pun, be that's what he has devoted himself to since he moved out)...anyway,

....if he appears via text, email, phone...etc...because Father's Day is Sunday, (as he has the last two Father's day)...how do I let him know...other plans have been made?

The last two years, I have put all aside, made the kids spend the weekend at home, and I've made him dinner, bought gifts...I even bought him two weeks of groceries for HIS house.

Two weeks later, both years, he disappears after telling me, he has no plans to move back or be married.

I can't give anymore to have it thrown back in my face.

I try to give as a friend would do, and he appreciates it at the time. But, then he gets....worse toward me.

It has been good for me to have NC and My Own Life....but, days like Father's Day, his Bday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter....stress me out.

It's really hard to not be able to give what you feel to someone. It's sad...but, it's getting easier. It also sort of feels more healthy to put what I have to offer to H, on the shelf for now.

So...can I shelve Father's Day?

What do I owe this WAD...(Walk-away-Dad)???

[forward]

Yes, you can shelve it. Maybe just say happy day if you see him, but I wouldn't do anything else.

And as far as telling him about other plans, simply tell him other plans have been made and you don't want to disappoint the kids.

Maybe you need to go dark? You might consider....

[Sophie]

I've been pretty dark...for most of the last 9 months...and I'm doing pretty well.

Maybe I need more of a definition of going dark? I'm all for it...and I am only dark where H is concerned. The rest of our lives, the kids and mine, is pretty busy.

I think I need a little 'permission' to continue through Father's Day weekend. He just hasn't been a father....and I feel uncomfortable around him. As do the kids.


They are uncomfortable with H also...they rarely see him. They tell me they don't want to deal with dad's moods and troubles.

I've tried to explain this in the past and then he blames me, berates me and all sorts of other things that I have forgotten..yea:)

[Creed]

Hi Sophie

I agree with Breton. If you do have contact , just say "happy day", and leave it at that. This will probably make more of an impact on his ego than anything else. Somewhere in that head of his , he hasn't connected that being a father is not simply conceiving a child, but also sharing in that child's life while they're growing up. Yes, he is a father..but he is a AWOL father. Perhaps in time he'll start to act more like a father than just a sperm donor, but for now, don't worry about 'celebrating' the day for him. If the kids want to contact him, that's something different..but you are not obligated to let him know that you're thinking of him.

I know exactly what you meant when you said how hard it is NOT to be able to give what you feel towards someone you love. It's a special kind of pain, isn't it? All that love, emotion and sentiment..and nowhere and no one to share it with. Been there, done that. After all these years, it still stings quite badly, but I've survived, and you will too.

I guess the one thing that I can say is that probably like we think of them on special occasions, we also cross their minds on those same days. That you can be sure of.

I'm happy to hear that your kids are setting up fun things to do this summer. I hope you've got some enjoyable things planned for yourself too.

[peacetoday]

S
Hi
I decided to get my H some religious saying for fathers day
Just something simple to remind him God is here if he is interested
something from the kids
nothing fancy or expensive ..and certainly no mushy cards saying what a great dad he is??
for his bday I gave him a picture of our kids in a religious frame a a cross with a verse on it
holidays are hard
hang in girl
peace

[MidwesternGirl]

Sophie:

I would not ignore it. The only thing I would do based on your situation is have the kids send him or give him a card.

Peace:

Be careful there. Any mention of God or religion has been known to set them off, esp. if they are in the thick of MLC. I know, because it set my H off BIG time in the first year of this mess.

However now (two years later), we can discuss those issues, pray, read the Bible and he is content with all of it.