Best Time of my Life 5

[Treese]

Well YR....I blew it I really did.....I have been crying for hours now and I guess it's time to throw in the towel....my H made me mad and I blew....yep....said every wrong thing there was to say....seriously......I could beat myself for it...

First I yelled at him for not coming to help with my son and being Disney Dad and blah, blah, blah..

Then the big talk.....now I know how he really feels and I have to say that I'm done....he has no feelings left for me and it is killing me....

I told him he has destroyed my childrens lives and of course he said No I didn't, I didn't detroy it...I'm still their dad & I still love them...I said, "that is true but they don't want to talk to you"..

H: Yeah, I call them they don't answer...how sad is that
Me: it is sad you created it...
H: what about forgiveness....don't throw the Christian thing in
my face when they can't forgive...
Me: How many times do you want them to forgive you?
H: what do you mean how many times...I still am their father and I still love them

Me: But they are hurt and in pain just like I am...you loved me one minute and pulled the rug out from underneath me.

Me; How do you leave and drive away and not hurt or cry or miss
us?

H: I don't cry because I know I'm doing the right thing...it's
how I feel, I've felt like this for a long time...

Me; crying....but I loved you...I gave everything...now you are
living my dream...big house...motorcycle...can see the kids
whenever you want...
H: I told you a long time ago that we could switch every other
week and you can leave and I will stay with the kids...

Me: I can't believe you are really asking me to do that...to leave my home so you can have what you want..

H: what do you think it's going to be like after we're divorced..

Me: oh yea, you have the inside scoop on what happens after
divorce..(OW is divorced)

H: Don't you get it....I'm not coming home....ever....we need to
move on with this instead of being in limbo...

Me; sobbing....I know, I know....

Me: your girls are hurting so bad and you don't care...
You are missing out on so much in their lives..they were daddy's girls...and now they have no respect for you..you have
changed their lives forever.

H: I can still be that....I know I changed their lives but I'm
trying to call them but they don't answer..

Me;; If my children didn't speak to me you might as well dig
my grave..

H: I'll just keep trying..
This is why I want my own place so the kids can come to my place...

Me: we can't afford another place...
H: that's why I want to go over the bills and see what we have
Me; go ahead
H; Do you think I'm kidding about all this...I'm not trying to hurt you...

Me; No, I don't think you're kidding...and the pain is unbearable...I hope some day you feel a little of this...

Me: Can I please have a hug?

H: NO, we don't need to do that...we can be civil without doing that...

Me; Still crying...can't help it...my world has just been crushed.

H: I'm not coming home...

Me: Never?

H: No....you need to move on and get over it...

Me: I'll always love you and I don't want to get over it..and
I guess I will live alone for the rest of my life...

Just then my son came out and H went in the house wanting son to play cards with him....son didn't want to so H said okay see you at your game tomorrow...

I said, "take him with you",,,H said, " I have work to do I'm behinde.....

And I said, don't go...stay a while....and I will always love you and you can't stop that...I want you to come home...

H said, "call D15 and tell her she can come home now"

D15 doesn't want to be here when H is here...He asked where she is all the time and I told him in the heat of the moment...if she knows you're going to be here she leaves....I know but I was hot....

So, in a nutshell, I totally blew it...H is never coming home...says he's doing the right thing...will never love me...hasn't loved me in a long long time...and I need to just get over it...

So, here I sit....totally ticked off at myself for blowing it with the R talk but I knew it was eventually going to blow...he has no responsibilities and I was getting sick of it...

Oh, I told him he needed some serious help...and he said, "NO I DON'T"... I asked if he was happy now... he didn't say anything..but I know he is...he just didn't want me to cry anymore....

at one time when I was talking...calmly...I looked at his eyes and they looked sad...

I really think he is done with the relationship....it's not MLC..its just over....

It makes me sad that I still love him this much...

I'm so sad....He gets so mad when I just don't get it...I mean about him being gone and he's moved on with his life....he has someone new....he's in love and I'm standing in the way...

I told him when the judge finds out he has a kid and has never paid support he is going to throw the book at him.

That I will get what I want...but I want him home....that he never gave us the chance and he made the decision for me...

Anyway....you get the picture of the whole mess.....now how do I clean it up....when the man comes to my door with paper for divorce I will be devastated all over again....

Please Help YR.....