HELP! What do you do when your ready to give up?

[darlene4343]

Dear Tink and JenJam,
Thank you for your powerful words of encouragement. Part of my inadequacy that I feel is due to my recurring thoughts of "I'll never be enough for him anyway". H always had a low sex drive but then I later found porn on the computer; something he denied "needing" or looking at. That's neither here nor there; I just have seen so much of H's supposed values become "whats the big deal" stuff in front of my eyes and sometimes worry that no matter how hard I try to get my own life, if/when H sees that he really does miss me I'll get another "shoe drop". I am very insecure right now. Shortly after he left me H went on a dating website which he later apologized for and went off of. It's just that when you marry someone, you want to be their best friend, and I feel like that friendship has to be repaired before we can even try to build a new one. I am trying. But I guess I need to be friends with myself too no matter what H does or doesn't do. Have any of you ever dealt with that kind of thing? I feel really silly even mentioning it because I know that many of you dealt with PA's and EA's; but I feel equally lacking in trust because of some of those other issues. This morning I just wondered if it was all worth it. I did follow your advice though and got outside to take a walk and just collect my thoughts. Then I found this great quotation from Audrey Hepburn that I think sums up what I want to aspire to in my new goal to care for myself and find worth in who I am. It was what she called "beauty tips" and it goes like this: (a wonderful poem) written by Audrey Hepburn when she was asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others." Isn't that COOL!? Thanks again you guys. I will re-commit myself to loving me first, and then try to let reconciliation run it's (slow) course with H!

[Jen_Jam]

But I guess I need to be friends with myself too no matter what H does or doesn't do. Have any of you ever dealt with that kind of thing?

yes, absolutely. I suffered with really low self esteem. I used to feel like I "needed" a man in my life to prove my worth. I realised I had to like myself first, and I did a LOT of work on me and I continue to do so. I have just discovered EFT, and each time I want to say somethign negative about myself I say ""Even though I ________, I deeply and completely accept myself"

I would recommend a book by Wayne Dyer called "Your Erroneous Zones" too. it was recommended to me and was a great help.

Good luck and by the way, I LOVE that poem!!

[darlene4343]

I've heard a lot about Wayne Dyer's books. That will be something I make a point to check out next week at the library. Oh and Tink, I did go to the meet up website. H and I used to go to the local dachshund meet ups but he's got my dog as of now; cool thing is, I did find a local group that is for amateur writers. I missed this month's meet up but I can go in July. As for getting out more; I'm limited on free stuff I can do but I did think to email all my friends yesterday with that encouraging quote by Audrey Hepburn. It made me feel I was doing something for others. Maybe that's an idea...volunteering or something. Ok, got to brain storm!

[darlene4343]

Update:
Well, plans are a-chagin' again! Found out that some flight conflicts would prevent me from being able to stay here at my Moms for any longer than through this month. I did call H today but JUST to verify and coordinate his help with my move and the care of my dog. I do feel frustrated that I am communicating with him and initiating it but there was no way around this call b/c H does not always answer emails. He was friendly but things just don't seem to be going anywhere. He has yet to ask me to do anything with him but I guess that may take some time. Maybe once I get back to work the true "missing me" will be able to happen because I'll be away at work and then trying to rebuild my life while at home. I just wish I had something a little more to grasp onto now than his upbeat attitude; like a sense that maybe he still wants this to work out. He talked about how he's been going to baseball games lately and I'm internally thinking "oh yeah, with who?..." but I just stayed upbeat as well. We talked for a good 5 or ten minutes which is an improvement on the previous 5 or 10 seconds. Maybe that should be encouraging. Any advice on how to handle the times when I DO need to contact H? I want to let him come to me but until I've settled back in to town I'll need to call him a couple more times to tie up loose ends. I am open to suggestions on how to handle.

[Tink]

Dear Tink and JenJam,
if/when H sees that he really does miss me I'll get another "shoe drop".

What do you mean? Can you tell us about the other shoe drops you have experienced?

I feel like that friendship has to be repaired before we can even try to build a new one.

That's right. That's a good way to think about it.

Have any of you ever dealt with that kind of thing?

My first husband had a very low sex drive. Also he always rejected me whenever I initiated sex. We only had sex when he initiated it. So I think there were control issues there, besides sex drive.

But when we were first dating, we broke up and when we started again, I worked out with him and he said I never worked out with a girl friend before, and that was when I knew we were becoming friends and the relationship was going to be stronger.

But I think if I were going to do this now, I would reject him during the few times he wanted sex. Not in a mean way, more in a coy way, to make him want more and to change the balance of the relationship.

But I guess I need to be friends with myself too no matter what H does or doesn't do... I feel really I will re-commit myself to loving me first, and then try to let reconciliation run it's (slow) course with H!

This is right and very wise. Keep focusing on yourself and doing good things for you and pamper yourself and find new interests and rediscover old ones.

Tink

[darlene4343]

Hi Tink;
To answer your question about the "shoe drop"; well, I mean that I worry I'll find out about another woman or something and have to go through the shock and pain again like when I found out he was on a dating website just a couple of weeks after he left me. He had denied any desire to "look" for anyone else and at the time was also being very mean to me. I still don't know if he ever had an EA or a PA with anyone but it's things like that happening that make me worry. I also came over to the house unexpectedly a couple of months ago to find him rushing off to a party without his ring on. I then saw a handwritten invitation for this party on the fridge with a woman's writing on it. So...lots of suspicions even if I have never had solid proof. The problem is, the "shoe drops" just devastate me. Oh and the porn on the computer when he denied it all these years when I'd ask him if he had indiscriminately been "peeking";;shoe drop; shoe drop. It has so much to do with a lack of trust in how honest he really ever was with me. I am still grieving over the man I thought I married, so how do I just blindly smile and trust the person he is now? I just don't know how to do this friend thing. Its so hard. Today when we talked I just felt such a loss. It's almost WORSE when we talk even if it does help rebuild some kind of friendship. I'm trying to let go and concentrate on me but the missing my spouse is always hanging over my head. Maybe I'm just having a bad week. Do over!

[Tink]

Any advice on how to handle the times when I DO need to contact H? I want to let him come to me but until I've settled back in to town I'll need to call him a couple more times to tie up loose ends. I am open to suggestions on how to handle.

Hi, when are you moving? Why did you HAVE to call him yesterday and not today or tomorrow?

Tink

[Tink]

I've heard a lot about Wayne Dyer's books. That will be something I make a point to check out next week at the library.

Oh! I thought of a book for you yesterday! It's called "You Can Heal Your Life" This book helped me so much and you can read other reader's reviews on amazon.com.

I've tried to get Dyer's books. There was one I almost bought but it didn't seem to resonate with me. However a lot of people really like them so you check them out too.

Oh and Tink, I did go to the meet up website. H and I used to go to the local dachshund meet ups but he's got my dog as of now; cool thing is, I did find a local group that is for amateur writers. I missed this month's meet up but I can go in July. As for getting out more; I'm limited on free stuff I can do but I did think to email all my friends yesterday with that encouraging quote by Audrey Hepburn. It made me feel I was doing something for others. Maybe that's an idea...volunteering or something. Ok, got to brain storm!

Good that you are working on this!

Tink

[Rusty]

Hi Debbie - I know exactly how you feel - almost to the letter! I know the sleepless nights and the OVERWHELMING panic and the lack of trust. I am pretty sure my WAH is now seeing someone and it makes me absolutely crazy. I had a terrible backslide yesterday - crying, begging, telling him how he "really" feels, etc. And I don't know how to recover from that. But reading your posts and seeing that someone else has the same feelings that I do, helps so much. I also owe a huge apology to Tink - slamming her for suggesting the book "Why Men Marry Bitches" - got it Tink, read it - thank you and forgive me!
All of the advice for you resonates with me and thank you for your candor!

[darlene4343]

Thats why we are all here for eachother! I'm glad my situation can help you feel like you have an ally. It is hard not to get overwhelmed. My heart goes out to you. Just tell yourself Rusty as I do, "Ok, do over!". That is so simple but whats done is done and we have to let ourselves make mistakes, just learn from it. Tink, I'll check out that book. I guess I felt I had to call H yesterday because I like to feel like I'm getting stuff accomplished. This truly was just about getting my ducks in a row, and not to contact H. I will be moving in a few weeks. The good news is, I friend of mine has agreed to care for my dog for a long period of time so I can have the opportunity to work more and save some money. My H takes care of him now when I'm away and it involves me coming over to drop him off and pick up. By eliminating this, I will be able to go for longer periods of time not contacting H because there won't be any reason. It will force me to allow him to make the moves. Hoping this helps. That book about why men marry bitches, it's great! And so true. I read that too.