Where am I at in this thing?

[EnergyAZ]

Hello sooner

Trying to put myself in your wife's girlfriend's man's shoes (lol)....considering I am not married to this woman, and her friend who needs some help, a place to stay...its kinda hard how long I would be OK with it before it became irratating. Being a boyfriend and not a husband I might keep my gripes to myself a bit longer cause when you are boyfriend/girlfriend rather than husband/wife you are still kinda on that honeymoon best behavior phase. So, I dunno. I do know that I would eventually grow irratated with it. But it also depends on if I liked the person I was helping or barely knew her. Frankly, I think its a waste of mind to ponder this question (as I write a whole paragraph lol). Just safe to say the arrangement couldnt possibly go on forever.


Anyhow - its great you got on the fitness track and working on your spirituality. Like you mentioned, the spirituality can give you enormous strength & comfort.

Its impossible you are not a better man after getting through all this. Bravo for doing 'the right thing' than allowing yourself to go on a negative self destructive spiral. (like a few guys I know did after their divorces)

[AnonymousJane73]

Yeah, time frames vary, depending on how well the friendships are... my BIL lived with my H for 8 yrs, 4 of which while I was there, and let me tell you... it cramped my style and chapped my hide pretty bad! But, it was 'family'... IMO, it was a 40-year old deadbeat, wallowing in his own self-pity- would not take responsibility for sh!t. But I digress. (No, I'm not bitter, )

Now, to address your personal dilemma. Woman are flighty. They want to also be coy. I would not expect her to call, and that may be a hurtle you might have to over come, my friend, because it sounds like, to me and this is only my humble opinion, that it's a little extreme to expect that when people say 'they will call' and they don't you get ruffled a little. To me, it sounds like she wants to be spontaneous, where it appears you may be more of a planner? Am I correct? Am I getting close? I can only imagine that you would like her to be 'more responsible'? So, she may feel a little pressure from this, if this is the case.

[sooners7xchamps]

EnergyAZ I think you're probably right about the living arrangement. AnonymousJane73 it's mostly me wanting her to be more responsible. I know that you can't put anything into a time frame as much as any of us would like to.

Anyway now for an update:
When I got up this morning I noticed that she sent me a text message about coming over around 8:30 to 9:00 to go do some car looking. Funny thing that I noticed was that she sent it at nearly 3:00 in the morning. Anyhow when she got here and we were getting in the truck I laughingly said are you having a hard time sleeping over there, she said yeah sometimes that air mattress goes down and I air it up, I laughed and then said well in meant when ya sent that message. Anyway so she had a girls night out, which was more in since she was just at a girlfriends house catching up on general stuff, watching a movie, and talk of a photo shoot.
Course I had to ask if she would give me give me some photos afterwards and she said yes.

So car looking went pretty well she got some good ideas on what is out there and price. What caught me off guard was at lunch I made the comment that I was glad she was being patient looking around in case couple cars were gone when we look again. In which she replied that pisses me off, you tell me to be patient but if I find something I like it may be gone. Told her I was sorry didn't mean it that way. In my mind I was thinking fuel saving used cars move everyday, no promises it will be there when we look again. Other than that she enjoyed lunch. Another thing before we started I ask her what are we doing today and she said just looking. Also we didn't have our money together yet.

On another note I did ask her if we could begin to open up to one another a little and talk about us in which she replied I have said everything, well that referred to the past. I said well to be a little more specific I mean our future, so she listened and then said well I guess. I felt the need to ask something cause she hasn't and I have held back giving her space and time while being in the dark/limboland for 2 months. We arrived at the house and then shocked me again when she said that she had been thinking about it some and was wondering what the next step would be and that she wanted to get our counselors opinion on what to do. That was good to here. Well I told her that I had been thinking about it but didn't know how to bring it up and that I was also scared. Also said that I thought she might have felt that way too, she kinda nodded and said yeah.

And that last subject, once we got back she grabbed 2 swim suits to go to her friend's son birthday party. When she got here at 9:00 she said she liked the plants, but when she was getting ready to leave and the more she looked at the more pissed off she was getting thats because in the past she wanted to plant just a few flowers and we didn't. She ask me how come I did now only when she mentioned divorce. I told her that I am here by myself, lonely, bored, have a lot of pain and that I try to stay busy/occupied. I also told her that before I did it that I knew that it could go either way with her, she would hate that I did it or love it. I don't feel bad that I did it nor do I feel bad asking about us and our future. It upsets me that she is going swimming in which we haven't done in about 4 years and I just mentioned us taken the jetski to the lake a couple weeks ago. She mentioned the garden but I wanted to let her know it bothered me about the swimming. I wanted her to understand that her actions hurt me too and that my feelings shouldn't be dismissed. She was tearing up about the garden but I think she was getting it a little bit.

She said she noticed a kitty basket and was assuming that I was getting a cat, another thing that she wanted to do. I told her no, that my mom brought that over with out my knowing and that my uncle had a cute gray kitten. I don't have a cat but told her that I wasn't getting one that I knew that would hurt her and would rather wait till she came home and she picked that kitty out. She seemed more calm. Ask her for in the future if she sees anything or has a question on anything to PLEASE ask me and to not assume anything. Anyway said she needed to be going and 2 0r 3 time that she would call me later, so I guess we will see, good if she does, won't worry to much if not.

One thing she mentioned that I want to work on is this: 1. She thinks I should be more concise on time in conversations. 2. Do not repeat myself so much.

If anyone has any good ideas or remedies for these 2 issues please let me know cause I do want to work on that.

[sooners7xchamps]

Also forgot to mention she said that she was wanting to get back into church, however she goes to a different one than I have been going to, but I don't care I'm thinking good, FINALLY! Told her that I wouldn't mind going with her some time but she said she didn't know if she was ready for that yet.

Also on that garden that my doing it was the new me trying to be a better person and that I am trying real hard.

[EnergyAZ]

Dontcha find it just a little odd this woman has some requests for you to work on?

I mean, if she is going to move forward in life without you, why should she care if you repeat yourself?

All I suggest is to try to go a little lighter, no guilt trips about how she has hurt you, or the whole swimming thing, or asking to go to church with her.

Otherwise just keep doing what you have been doing because it certainly doesnt seem to be hurting things.

Dont take anything for granted, dont start assuming all is well. But I do feel things are on the right track. Just take it easy, no hurries here

[sooners7xchamps]

Thanks Energy I think I will take your advice and try it out cause what I have been doing does seem to have some progress. I would rather drop back and wait some more in order keep this pace going than push or demand to hard and backslide all that I have gained. It would be like starting that 2 months all over again. Having patient seems to be toughest, hardest test in this thing. As you said "no hurries here" will likely get me ahead faster in the long run.

[AnonymousJane73]

I just got finished reading this book... Til Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) While the book is geared for a female reader, it has some very good and valid points and is centered on communication. (Go figure.) I was looking for another book in the library, saw it, and figured, hey, why not. Got lots of time on my hands these days.

It has some very good 'solutions' to communication conflicts. Not for everyone, and there are parts of it that obviously can't be applied, but take what you can from it. Worth a shot, right?

[sooners7xchamps]

Just a quick update: My W did call as she said she would, so that was cool I was proud. Talked to her for about 10 minutes about how our days went which was well. She wants to swing by tomorrow to see if I can fix a light on the pick-up. She may be here 30 min to an hour not as long as I would like but I'm trying to look at every opportunity as chance to be friends and let show her the good in me and then pray that all the opportunities grow into piecing our marriage back together. So wish me luck and pray too I would appreciate it very much.

[sooners7xchamps]

EnergyAZ you seem to have very good advice so I need some input. So my W stopped by with friend, showed me some pics of some cars she is looking at, so we talked about that for a few min. I got the light on the truck fixed and she was happy about that. Said she would call later or tomorrow to see when we can do more car looking. Here is where things get to me: she looked so beautiful and getting to see her in person it always makes me get a strong urge to talk about us. Resisting this temptation is damn hard. I feel like other people and priorities are more in her life than I am at all, but I guess for her and now that is normal I think, it just really sucks a lot. She is so beautiful to me looks wise and in many other ways as a person too. I don't think I'm in the clear by far and this may be a long road to recovery, but we have had some positive interaction this weekend and she hasn't mentioned D in a good while. I think she is trying to figure things out. Besides our counselor I'm pretty sure she doesn't have as many resources of support or the support system that I do cause she is trying to do a lot of it on her own. Anyway seeing her and the pain that fallows when she leaves, sometimes it makes me want to cry just cause I miss her, her touch, her love, her daily presence and so on. I noticed that she seem to have this blah kinda non-peaceful not totally happy look on her face. I think she may be finding out that running and doing what she wants will only bring temporary happiness but it will not fill the void that her H does. This is also one reason I have backed off for her to do what she wants. I am going do my best to stay focused on me, continue to learn, and pray for both of us that God will restore our marriage and we will reconcile. Deep down I have a good feeling about this, just don't know the when, but God does!

[EnergyAZ]

So my W stopped by with friend, showed me some pics of some cars she is looking at, so we talked about that for a few min. I got the light on the truck fixed and she was happy about that. Said she would call later or tomorrow to see when we can do more car looking.

I kinda feel she might have brought a friend along as a 'buffer' which is good thing IMO. Obviously this friend knows was going on in her life and I am sure they discussed things when they left, and as long as things went as smooth during this visit as it sounds, I can only imagine what was said afterwards between them was good.

Here is where things get to me: she looked so beautiful and getting to see her in person it always makes me get a strong urge to talk about us. Resisting this temptation is damn hard. I feel like other people and priorities are more in her life than I am at all, but I guess for her and now that is normal I think, it just really sucks a lot. She is so beautiful to me looks wise and in many other ways as a person too.

Aint that the truth! And it stinks to think we ever took love from such goddesses for granted. And I hear ya loud and clear on the not talking about the R. I slip on this a lot, but I regret it every time because it only becomes an uncomfortable thing for both of us. We both know what time it is: We love them dearly, they want to move on. There really isnt much more than can be said without things being awkward or potentially get upsetting.

And we do have to accept that right now, we arent very high on the priority list. They put so much into our marriages in the past that right now, things are more about them than they are us. Like you said, this is normal. Its not fun for us, but its normal. And just knowing that I and many others out in the world are going through similar situations & feelings lets us know we arent as 'alone' as we sometimes feel.

I don't think I'm in the clear by far and this may be a long road to recovery, but we have had some positive interaction this weekend and she hasn't mentioned D in a good while. I think she is trying to figure things out. Besides our counselor I'm pretty sure she doesn't have as many resources of support or the support system that I do cause she is trying to do a lot of it on her own. Anyway seeing her and the pain that fallows when she leaves, sometimes it makes me want to cry just cause I miss her, her touch, her love, her daily presence and so on. I noticed that she seem to have this blah kinda non-peaceful not totally happy look on her face. I think she may be finding out that running and doing what she wants will only bring temporary happiness but it will not fill the void that her H does. This is also one reason I have backed off for her to do what she wants. I am going do my best to stay focused on me, continue to learn, and pray for both of us that God will restore our marriage and we will reconcile. Deep down I have a good feeling about this, just don't know the when, but God does!

I think you have the right ideas here. Even though you may have some fairly pleasant encounters, we cannot assume it means anything until these women specifically say it does. We cannot allow ourselves to think that just cause they are nice, or sweet, or even flirtatious: that it means anything more than these girls are just natural sweethearts. But we can be delighted in the fact that behavior could not be considered a bad sign!

Yes, she too is in a place of self awareness and for years had relied on you in many ways in life. This is a chance for her to prove to herself that she is capiable of living without being dependant on anyone for anything.

For those (like myself) who did have an opportunity for independant living, once that question is satisfied (can I do this alone?) then it becomes rather...boring, lonely, and unsatisfying. After all, we humans are social creatures and enjoy sharing together. And all we can really hope for our ladies is that they may come to the realization that, yes - they can fend for themselves and live independantly..why bother when life is more enjoyable sharing experiences? (my wife has not left the house yet, so she hasnt been able to answer this question for herself. When things are going well, she still wants to try to see if she can...I know she can, but she doesnt know that, so it kinda sucks. She very well might still leave me dispite all these efforts, just to satisfy that curiosity)

My girl felt I did not allow her input on many things in life. I have control issues that I need to work out and am trying to do so. This really helped fueled her desire to live on her own, do her own thing without anyone arguing against what she wants. One of my obsticles is to show her that her opinions are important to me and that I do want and need her help when it comes to making decisions around the house and our lives.

I am wondering if her facial expressions are actually more about self conflict than they are discontent? She very well may be enjoying her new found sense of freedom, but in the same light, when she sees you and you are NOT acting like the guy she left, but the guy she originally fell for....well, thats gotta be confusing.

Honestly, I dont want to get your hopes up - but I share similar sentiment that you could very well reconcile if things continue to go as they had been. But time always goes slower when you are starring at the clock...so try to keep yourself occupied, develop new hobbies/interests that will make you a more well rounded, diversified, and therefore interesting person.