Too late for DB, thread 7

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw))))))))

You are not a fake, or a loser! I know you already know that, but I just wanted to remind you!

It's sad that things that should be fun bring back memories that make them a lot less fun. Maybe this passes, in time? I don't know.

Try not to think of your kids as being one parent short, because you'll blame yourself, or your H, or both, and be bitter. They don't need that, and neither do you. It's not a situation you've chosen, it's not the situation you want, but don't let it destroy you, and do your best to get them through it, too!

Your situation frustrates me, because I think he really does want to come back, he wants to be with you. But is doesn't know how, or he's afraid, or something. I wish I could explain it. Keep being you, and keep the channels open, as you have. I think that as things get more "real" he might really start to think, I haven't given up on him!

((((((cw))))))
who is not a loser!

[cw68]

He doesn't want to come back to me, part of him just doesn't want to split the family. He has nothing for me. Really. He wasn't happy in our relationship, he thinks he and I don't have enough in common and he can't be there for someone to lean on. "I'm probably not the best spouse for you. I don’t empathize or give the necessary support." He's given up on us.

He just called about the apartment lease. It ends July 31 and we have to give 30 days notice. He's looking at renting a co-worker's condo that she wants to rent out. He's moving on. I knew this, but it still hurts. I told him I'd rather be the one who moves out and he can stay in the house until it's sold.

I'm supposed to send him a list of things we need to do to the house to get it ready to put on the market.

This baby's done, stick a fork in it.

He's too far gone.

And Jeff, you're right, I am getter bitter and I am blaming him. I don't know how I'll ever get over that though.

I'm falling quickly on this rollercoaster, it's a down, down day and it stinks because I had been feeling pretty well the past few days.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((((cw, who is not a loser)))))))

OK, I'll accept that he has given up. But it wasn't that long ago he said, with his own mouth, that he wanted to come back. Anyway, none of that is important right now. Right now we need to get cw back up on her feet! After that, what happens, happens, but you'll be ready for it!

I don't know how to avoid bitter, having a bit myself. But, I know that bitter parents are not going to be good for the kids, so I think looking at what can be done to make YOU happy with YOUR life is a really important step. Because I think that is the best way to reduce the bitterness.

I was pretty down yesterday, hoping I am better today, though it is early to tell. I hope your day turns around!

[MichelleLT]

(((cw))) Since I am having a fairly down weekend as well, I'm not so good with the cheer people up stuff today. So, just hugs.

[Sara]

Hi CW,

Sorry things are not getting better. I agree that you need to adapt to the new situation and not expect any change back to the old way. If there is any chance that he will change his mind, it will be when he believes you no longer want him. As long as he feels confident that you are there for him, he is empowered to continue to pull away. When he believes that you are moving on, dating someone else, building a new life, then he MIGHT change his mind. Til then, what's his motivation?

[cw68]

((michelle)), I'll give you one right back. We're two sacto peas in a pod, in a low pod right now.

[cw68]

Sara, you're awesome. Actually, all you guys are awesome and I feel very fortunate to have your support.

I have my internal deadline of July 14. Until then I am going to go with my heart and my morals and let him know that I am here for him, that I believe we can make a new life together, but I am putting a lot of distance between us. After that, I'm filing for legal separation and letting the cards fall where they may.

Whether or not this is DBing or the even the best course of action, I don't know, nor do I care. This is what my internal moral compass tells me to do. There is a big part of me that just feels my H doesn't know what unconditional love is. I'm giving him a little longer to see it. Regardless of what he chooses, I know that it's what I need to do. Part of it is that when my children are older and want to know what/how this happened, I can tell them and show them what I believe spouses and parents should do for each other. I also need this extra time to really set my feet firmly.

I'm looking at a house that's for sale in my neighborhood tomorrow. Of course, I'm not near ready to buy anything, but I need to know what my next future may be and what kind of a house I could afford on my own. The planner in me needs to do this so I don't plan my H's steps for him. I need to see a big empty space that I can make mine to know that that's possible. Strange, perhaps, but real to me.

I just smudged my house. I'm really hoping that it clears the air of all negativity. I'm also going on a liquid protein fast for 24 hours to clear my body. (Not unhealthly, protein meal replacements with fruit, fiber and calcium. More of a mental thing than physical. It's not going to be a bad thing for my body for 24 hours.) Kind of a throw-back to the old, non-suburban CW68 I guess. Rediscovering my roots in ways.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((cw))))))
I think you are doing the right thing. Following your moral compass seems to me to be a good plan.

[Sara]

I agree with everything you are doing except letting him know that you are here for him and you still think you can work it out. That is feeding his push for freedom. Don't tell him anything. You've said it all already, many times. Just move forward in your own direction without him. Let him at least wonder if you would be there for him if he changed his mind.

[cw68]

Walking away and being OK with it is all he's ever seen in his life. For a little while longer, I'll be providing that 180 for him. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but I'm showing him that there is another option, an option his parents never chose: being there for each other and your children. I am not going to be his Mom and just say, "My needs are the most important, nobody needs a relationship and kids are resilient." Well, at least I'll be saying that until July 14, though it's not like I'm hounding him or saying it every day.