Too late for DB, thread 7

[cw68]

Journaling... why does this have to happen? Why does this have to be so flipping difficult? Went out with the girls last night. I really thought I had been doing well and was definitely detaching from H more than the reality.

We went to see "Sex in the City" (fun movie) and half the time I was thinking back to when I used to watch the DVDs of the show with my husband. He'd sit on the couch and watch them with me most of the time even though he didn't really like the show. It made me wistful. Love is the theme of the movie and it hurt like little knives. Then we went out to a gay nightclub at which my friend's sister tends bar. Free drinks and lots of dancing without worrying about anyone hitting on you. H and I used to go dancing there back during the days that we had a weekly babysitter. While I definitely had fun and enjoyed being out with my friends, I'm dancing on the dance floor thinking that I would have much rather been sleeping in a bed with my husband in a home with my children. I felt like a 40-yr old fake out there, a loser.

Then this morning H and I started taking about custody. We aren't exactly on the same page though we aren't light years apart either. But he did mention that we should get it in writing. I did well, though, and didn't turn it into a R talk or anything. The only little slip I did was say, "Well, you could choose to end this." and he said, "Yes, I could." In a matter-of-fact way, not with a big sigh or anger or anything.

I was emotional, I just couldn't help it. I tried not to cry, but I just can't when I think about this. Heck I'm tearing up now. Jeff, whether or not this sinks in, we were talking about how hard it is to not be with the kids and I told him that every night when they aren't here and I look in their beds, a little of me dies inside because then I see the reminder that every single night of their lives they are one parent short.

I just want to skip ahead one year and just be there. I don't want to go through this sharp pain, just want to skip to the dull aches.