Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Hope4us]

Thanks Kat. I keep telling myself that. It's only been 9 weeks of NC (if in fact she's not talking to the POS) and I can't expect her to defog that quickly. And that's hard for me. I'm naturally impatient. I've mentioned before that I just want to scream at her "you F'd up, now lets fix this"! But I know I can't.

I'm glad you guys are here to help me and remind me that things are positive in my sitch. It's funny how you can't see it in your own sitch, but can in others.

[kat727]

Ok let's make a deal, whenever you see something positive in my situation, you let me know and I will gladly continue to do so for you. ((((hugs))))

kat

[Hope4us]

Ok, it's a deal, or a date, or whatever...

[james85395]

Is physical contact really that important to you. My W ML with with me today because she was readying a book in bed and got turned on by a passage. Don't get me wrong it was great. First time she would allow me to give foreplay in over a year. Her rational is that it is easier now because I know she wants a D. We had MC two days ago. She told me it was over, defended the OM, and said all contact (kisses, hugs) were easier because she is no longer strugling with her feelings with me, she is emotionally disconected. I thanked her for the intimacy, but told her I knew it didn't mean we were getting back together. She smiled and gave me a kiss. Good kiss or kiss of death???

[Hope4us]

I think right now I'd take it no matter what the reason is. It's been 10 months without ML and probably 8 months since she's hugged me or even allowed me to hold her hand. And I miss it.

I think any intimacy with my WW right now would be good for both of us. I think it would put her back in the frame of mind of thinking that way with me. It's been so long I think she's convinced herself she can't feel that way with me and it'd be nice for her to see that she can be affectionate with me.

[Sakaro]

Well, we went looking for pools, found one we liked and WW asked me what I thought. I said to her it looked good, but what about us? She said "what do you mean"? I said "I want to know where we are going. I don't want a roommate". She said "I don't know what's going to happen". So I said "I don't think I want to go into debt if she couldn't at least tell me we're headed in the right direction".

So why even go looking for pools? The we will buy a pool if you agree to come back to me thing reeks of you wanting to control her. Right now you are the fallback plan and until you can convince her that the fallback plan isnt good enough for you I dont expect anything to change.

Go out, by yourself. Dont ask her to come with you, dont tell her where you are going. Quit trying to figure out what she is thinking because she doesnt even know what she is thinking. Stop trying to figure out why she is reading a certain book, You keep examing her looking for answers. There are no answers because right now she doesnt even know what the questions are.

You know you deserve better and THAT IS why you keep finding yourself getting angry about the lack of progress. You cant understand why she doesnt see what everyone else so clearly can. I know its a cliche but you need to think of it like a game of tug of war. You can keep pulling her to you and she'll keep fighting and pulling back. Why not let go of the rope and watch her fall on her butt?

DETATCH!

[Hope4us]

Ouch.

I didn't include the whole conversation we had about the pool but she had stated before I said what I wrote that she didn't think it was the right thing to do right now for a couple reasons and then she asked me and I replied how I did.

I understand what you're saying about examining everything, but it's who I AM. I come her to vent those frustrations so I don't explode.

I do go out without her. Sometimes I just go and other times I ask if she wants to join me and if she says no, I go anyway.

Food for thought.

[karen43]

I understand what you're saying about examining everything, but it's who I AM. I come her to vent those frustrations so I don't explode.

I know what you mean; I love to analyze everything in my life to death! It's like breathing for me; very essential part of my personality! I am trying to do less, but I think I will always have to do some of that! Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ouch.

I didn't include the whole conversation we had about the pool but she had stated before I said what I wrote that she didn't think it was the right thing to do right now for a couple reasons and then she asked me and I replied how I did.

I understand what you're saying about examining everything, but it's who I AM. I come her to vent those frustrations so I don't explode.

I do go out without her. Sometimes I just go and other times I ask if she wants to join me and if she says no, I go anyway.

Food for thought.

And it's not working, at least not to the extent that it needs to for you to be happy.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

H4U, it's been a month since I advised you that you need to escalate things, and turn up more heat. I think what Sakaro's observing is that YOU are moving at a snail's pace, and I would submit "hence, so is your wife."

I'm not saying to go scorched earth here. I"m saying, TURN UP THE HEAT.

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

I do NOT think pushing for sex is the arena in which to make your next play. It's a losing gambit.

Food for thought.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

I'm not going to push for sex. That was just a reply to a post. I'm not going there yet.

Am I going at a snail's pace? Probably. But I know my WW and I feel like right now, pushing is the WRONG thing. If I look at how much progress we've made in the last two weeks, I'm willing to give her some more time and see how it goes. It's what I've been planning for a while. You told me Pup that it took your wife 3 months to commit, correct? I've read a number of books and on another website where our timing is going along nicely. It'll be 9 weeks tomorrow since she claims NC. And with the progress we've made lately, I'm willing to give her more time.

I just know she doesn't respond well to pressure. And if we're making progress why press now? Honestly, the way things have been the last couple weeks, if you didn't know what was going on, you'd swear everything was ok. Isn't that what you want? Get that friendship going? I just don't think it's unreasonable to think that only 9 weeks after the affair ended that she's not totally ready to commit yet. And if I read her correctly, I think she's getting there, but is probably confused with the feelings and doesn't want to hurt me more by getting my hopes up.

Maybe I'm wrong in reading all this, but things are going ok now and I can live with how they're going for a while longer. I will push it when the time comes, but I just don't feel like that time is now.

Just for my own reference Pup, what would you suggest to turn up the heat?