Thanks for stopping by brokenhearted. I was so positive when I first picked up DR and started trying to save my marriage. And it's been hard to decipher what's really going on because W acts like she wants/misses my friendship but is focused solely on Ding rather than how to make things work. I know she checked out of M a long time before I did but still don't understand why she never said she was unhappy.
But the OP is the wrench in our sitches and it's hard to appreciate how big that wrench is. I think the most telling thing W ever said to me was that she didn't realize she was unhappy until she spent several weeks in the field with OM - that's when he seduced her. Hmmm - she shuts down to our M and the possibility of making it work at the same moment she becomes emotionally/physically involved with someone else? But she insists it has nothing to do with it.
When our spouses are involved in an active EA or PA there isn't a lot we can DB-wise other than work on ourselves. Our spouses have to show remorse and a willingness to approach the M.
To all my newer friends here, back when I thought I was ready to piece, oldtimer and WCW introduced me to grasshopper. He was a prolific writer, so reading through his threads isn't for those on a tight schedule, but there's a lot to be learned. It'd probably do me good to go back through them.
Anyway, I wanted to post the link since it can be hard to find:
I know I'm still married - although it sure as hell doesn't feel like it! I guess I see my W so resolved to D that I feel like I need to actively take steps to free myself from our emotional connection in order to protect myself.
Thanks for recognizing that W has some growing up to do. I feel the same. This has happened before and at that time she DID count her lucky stars and things were great again. But now we're back at the same spot under identical circumstances. So...
smw - don't know if you'll see this, but I'm not looking at GAL as a way to move on to someone else. Just theoretically thinking of what my options are.
I have to admit that since my sitch started I read the "Modern Love" article in the NYT's styles section - I know, I know, I'm a real sensitive modern guy, huh? Anyway, here's an interesting bit from today:
Quote:
We've grown up in an age of rampant divorce and the accompanying tumult. The idea that two people can be happy together, maturing alongside each other, seems as false as a fairy tale. So when a relationship ends, it isn't seen as bad. It's held as evidence that the relationship was never any good to begin with.
Maybe it's just that we have learned nothing can compare to the perfect moment of the unexpected hookup — wet lips on the beach, lying in the sand — and so we aim to accumulate as many as possible. Or maybe we're simply too immature to commit. That has been the rap against guys forever, but now women think the same way. With the world (and the world of sex) at our fingertips, it's difficult to choose, to settle, to compromise.
But I do occasionally wonder: If we can't get past ourselves and learn to sacrifice to be with another, then what is in store? A generation of selfish go-getters fueled by nothing more than our own egos, forever seeking that rare dose of self-esteem? An era of loneliness filled with commercial wants and mate selection based on the shallowest of criteria?
Hope W reads that - lol. Well, thanks as always for offering advice. As I've said before, I come here to vent and theorize and spout and generally play out everything that pops into my mind. This isn't how I'm actually living, so don't worry - I'm not melting down or anything. I'm not heading out to the bars looking for a quick hook-up. Just plowing along.
But again, the hard part for me right now is deciding to go dark or be a friend. 2 very different ways to handle things. Going dark feels unnatural, but deep down I think W needs to REALLY miss my friendship in order to think about what the loss of that really means. And she probably won't as much as I'd like for her to, but I think she will a little and maybe it'd be enough. I don't know.
But the OP is the wrench in our sitches and it's hard to appreciate how big that wrench is. I think the most telling thing W ever said to me was that she didn't realize she was unhappy until she spent several weeks in the field with OM - that's when he seduced her. Hmmm - she shuts down to our M and the possibility of making it work at the same moment she becomes emotionally/physically involved with someone else? But she insists it has nothing to do with it.
When our spouses are involved in an active EA or PA there isn't a lot we can DB-wise other than work on ourselves. Our spouses have to show remorse and a willingness to approach the M.
lodo
My H said the EXACT SAME THING to our MC!! The MC looked like she wanted to hit him in the head with her clipboard. She came right out and told him that he needs to resolve this relationship before moving on to another one.
You are right--we can only work on us for us. Luckily, in that process, we can often end up becoming the greener grass.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Just responding to MfromTenn over here on my thread:
Quote:
If you can get through this with no anger at all then I feel that there may be a spark left for you to work with..get pissed, angry and open your mouth at the wrong time and you can't recover I don't think.. Anger and bitterness having a way of killing love..
I agree, but this is also the piece I struggle with. W and I are best friends and we could be again if she'd just allow me. But she wouldn't and I stopped asking. Now I've gone dark.
It sounds like your first W was a manipulator. That's pretty crappy. My parents had a pretty nasty divorce and still won't talk to each other. They drug me into the middle of it and I vowed that would never be me - look at me now.
Will keep checking in you as you head towards mediation, even though I haven't posted much on your thread. lodo
Just responding to MfromTenn over here on my thread:
Quote:
If you can get through this with no anger at all then I feel that there may be a spark left for you to work with..get pissed, angry and open your mouth at the wrong time and you can't recover I don't think.. Anger and bitterness having a way of killing love..
I agree, but this is also the piece I struggle with. W and I are best friends and we could be again if she'd just allow me. But she wouldn't and I stopped asking. Now I've gone dark.
It sounds like your first W was a manipulator. That's pretty crappy. My parents had a pretty nasty divorce and still won't talk to each other. They drug me into the middle of it and I vowed that would never be me - look at me now.
Will keep checking in you as you head towards mediation, even though I haven't posted much on your thread. lodo
Yes, manipulator, liar, thief, user. She was pretty bad. Most of the time when they decide they want a D. They don't turn back.
You have to make the decision when you want to move on. I guess I question, "if W and I D and 5 years down the road she comes back and says "I f'd up, I want you back"..do I really want to even consider giving her another chance?? I just don't think I could. I'm not mad or angry at her..I just think you have to move on. You have to let go or you're gonna drown in that spot you're hung in..
