Part IX: Things are Heating Up!

[AliSuddenly]

OH MY GOD!!!!! That bought tears to my eyes !!!!! Thats amazing Rob, just incredible. I'm conviced now, shes single, the Snake is long gone (do you think so too?). And I'm sure she still cares.

Soooo...when you were in the R, you basically never trusted her and were suspicious (and controlling?) becuase of YOUR insecurities (as you said in an earlier thread) and it did what often happens, it drove her away. Seems like thats the crux of what she is saying. Although she is clearly deeply deeply stuck in her hurt and she is very angry at you, becuase although you kept explaining, ok, I get it now, it was wrong, but I'm addressing it in T, she kept saying "but you hurt me". I guess you may have to apologise over and over again for that and keep saying yes I did, and you are right and I take full responsibility for my past actions and have learnt some very hard and valuable lessons since you walked out. I guess you wouldnt have got to this point, or seen the light, or done soemthing about your behaviour, or got T if she hadnt have walked out?

I loved this bit, it was amazing, well done!

W: ok. crying. I need to put D to bed.
RTL: Funny and ironic as I'm crying too. I am always available to talk to you about this or anything else. All you have to do is ask and I'll be there for you.

W: F@ck! Where were you before when my husband ignored and abandoned me?

This is like where the book says, dont tell them you have changed, SHOW them your changes and even then, they have to be consistent over time and the WAS takes a LOOONG time to begin to believe it.

So, broken record technique, if she brings it up again?.. I'm sorry, yes I behaved badly, I am learning to not behave that way...I am always here for you ... etc

You did really really well, I'm impressed and I wouldnt worry about the deposition thing, all you did here was own up to behaving in ways that lots of R suffer from, lack of trust in her due to your own insecurities.. I can think of 3 husbands I know that are behaving exactly the same (and their W are at the end of their tether and thinking of leaving). I think under that kind of oppressive love, it makes you want to go out and have an affair, as they are so convinced you are anyway! Its perverse, but its human nature. It wasnt the way to solve the problem though, she should have just talked to you (maybe she will realise that in time), but I think you should work on the forgiveness for her EA/PA(?) it sounds like it was a desperate act to just get out of the R, because she felt so hurt and betrayed by your lack of trust in her.

God, it never ceases to amaze me lately how much hurt we can inflict on another person because of love.

Ali x