Alright, you may have read on my reponse to ellie that I offered to support her in the event her parents pass away and shortly after that came the playful texts then the R texts.
Now, before you read, note that I addressed my issues and faults here. This is not the forum for me to begin to attack her for the issues she has. That forum is in front of a marriage counselor, but not here. Not now. I also take a few chances that maybe I shouldn't have taken, but I was feeling that I needed to be honest to keep the dialogue open. We haven't had this type of discussion in a long, long time and although you can tell W is still angry, she's still talking, asking questions, and looking for answers.
There may be time in the future where we address all of this further, but it isn't now. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm not giving anything away that will come back to hurt me legally. I'm fully fine w/ saying all of this during a deposition.
Here is how they started and where we are w/ them now.
W: I want what is best for D RTL: So do I.
W: You have NEVER actually trusted me. RTL: I've never known you've felt this way. I've never intended for you to feel untrusted by me. I will always be available for you to talk about this if you would like.
W: u never trusted me or my love for you. Just admit it 2 urself. RTL: I never trusted me.
W: Did you ever trust me? Did you ever know me? RTL: I'm sorry if my actions caused you to think I doubted you. I didn't, but I'm sorry if it made you feel as if I did. I really am. RTL (addition): Yes I trusted you. Always have, but I didn't trust me. I'm learning to trust who I am now, even though it is a bit late.
W: You destroyed me. It is difficult for me. RTL: I'm destroyed as well. I never wanted any of this.
W: U couldn't have trusted me. U would have relaxed. RTL: It isn't about you. If it was, you are right, I would have relaxed. I didn't understand me. I am getting to know me now and we seem to be getting along fine. So I've got that going for me...
W: I never wanted this. I couldn't take anymore. RTL: I never wanted it either. I'm sorry you felt you'd reached your limit w/ me. I wish I would have been able to do more sooner, but I couldn't fix what I couldn't see. I see it now, so I can fix it.
W: Still killing me. Glad u r happy. RTL: I never said I was happy. It is still killing me too.
W: oh good. Glad I am not alone. RTL: No you are not alone.
W: I was afraid of u. RTL: I would never hurt you or D. Not then, not now, not ever.
W: u did RTL: I didn't understand. I wasn't clear about me, so I couldn't understand. I swear I never did anything to purposely hurt you.
W: eventhough I told you that you were destroying me? RTL: and for that I'm truly sorry. I didn't know I hurt you. I would never choose to do that to you.
W: but u did hurt me RTL: I couldn't see it. I didn't know. I was in denial about me which blocked out everything else. I told you early on that therapy was like having a cloud of fog lifted from around me and for the 1st time I could see the effects of anything and everything I did.
W: u knew you hurt me. How could u not? RTL: I couldn't fix what I didn't understand. I only wish I'd known more sooner, but I didn't. I can understand things now, but I can't go back and changethe past. I wish I could, but of course I can't.
W: no, you can't. I wish you could RTL: So do I. More than you may ever know or understand.
W: ok. crying. I need to put D to bed. RTL: Funny and ironic as I'm crying too. I am always available to talk to you about this or anything else. All you have to do is ask and I'll be there for you.
W: F@ck! Where were you before when my husband ignored and abandoned me? RTL: Lost, scared, and blinded by a fog. I'm still the same guy, but now I'm not afraid of who I am and where I'm from. You still have my heart. I always wanted it to be yours.
W: Not fair. U destroyed me and my love for u...and us. What r u saying? RTL: I'm stil here. You are still my Boo and you always will be. Maybe some of your love for me still exists somewhere.
W: (Expletive). How can I ever trust u again? I gave u everything and u pissed on me...again and again. RTL: That is something only you can decide. I have issues of trust w/ you because of this divorce, but I'm willing to try to trust you again. You are worth it to me.
W: ur only saying this bcuz of the deposition RTL: No. I'm not afraid of the deposition. I have no problems admitting where I've erred. Is this what you are referring to?
W: yes RTL: If I made mistakes, I'll own them. They are mine and I won't run from them. If I do, what type of example would that set for D?
W: You raged in front of her. What kind of example was that. RTL: A poor one.
W: u ignored us. U only want me to come back 2 - what? RTL: There is no going back. Only going forward. I won't return to the past.
This is it so far. I'll let you know if more comes in. Maybe I made a mistake here. I'm not sure. I only know that she was asking for answers, so I did my best to honestly give them to her. She says she doesn't trust me, so I felt I needed to be honest as actions speak louder than words.
I won't be pushing her for more information and discussion that she isn't willing to give. She brought it up, so I'm obliging her.
I'm interested in your feedback here, so I'll be eagerly checking in.
