He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[No Longer BH]

I know in my heart that if I end up D it's because my H was still to broken to give love. What does that say about the type of R he is having w OW? He left because he hated himself, but then decided it was easier to find blame than to heal. Most of the time I walk around having forgiven my H for what he has done becasue he is so broken and that gives me some peace. The worst part is the dreams at night. I wake up crying becasue I keep having these dreams where all is wonderful betweenus again. Every morning is a crushing blow. I really hate it.

I know there are success stories. And I'm trying not to feel so down lately. Sometimes this burden we carry just gets so heavy. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if by coming here and posting if I am keeping a dead dream alive and not allowing myself closer. I REALLY want to have hope but is it costing me too much? It just seems that the numbers are stacked against us, most dont come back.

What I'm trying to do now is just think to myself that he is not coming back and I have to move on. If he changes his mind, then I would love to work on us. It's just soooo hard to take this path, especially when all you ever dream of is having their arms around you again.

Once again, sorry for my ramblings. I just needed some place to get it out.