He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[runningoutoftime]

My suggestion. Don't tell him you don't want a D. Don't tell him ANYTHING! No relationship talk. Let him do all the talking and you listen. If he talks relationship change the subject. Ask how his apartment (or wherever he's living) is? Does he need anything from the house? What fun things has he been doing lately? Nothing personal whatsoever. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. Now is the time to become his friend. You have to change the "bad memories" he has created. Only light, happy, positive impersonal stuff.

And focus on you. This may or may not work. He may still end this marriage. But you will go down knowing you did your best to save whatever you could. And you will have no regrets. One can doesn't regret trying, it's the not trying that people regret.

[imLIN]

BEWARE!!!!

A legal seperation can and will protect you from any of HIS financial failings...I can not stress this enough...my H came home over $120,000 in debt...I am not party to any of it, my credit didn't go in the sink with his...I can't be made to pay back any of those debts!!! Without the LS I would be responsible for it ALL if he wasn't able...and 1/2 if he was able to repay...I would be forced to file bankruptcy and ruin my credit with his...

A LS doesn't necessarily make it easier to file for divorce...depends on the state you live in...but if you are in a community property state by all means file for LS to protect your own financial future!!!

Don't be afraid...if things are going to work out they will...I filed LS once and D twice...but we are back together and happy...and I PROTECTED MYSELF AND MY CHILDREN...H knows that and he is glad and relieved that I did!

Lin

[No Longer BH]

I have been doubting myself here lately. As we all know I slipped up a couple of times last week and talked to H about R....begging to do MC. When he confirmed affair week and a half ago I packed up and ran 2 hours away. I am doing NC, going completely dark. In fact when he came to pick up S for weekend visitation, I had my B meet him instead of me. Should I keep doing this until he contacts me? Chances are he is not going to contact me at all unless it is with a one line email about scheduling son.

I know I need to appear strong and confident so that he will see what he is missing. I am not at that point yet. My thoughts are that if I do the NC until I come to a better place then I can act AS IF when we do the hand off of son. Does this really work? So many past here have asked this same question, and so many people here are still hurting. It just really seems like the majority of people end up D. Sometimes I get even more sad after being here.

Sorry, I'm just rambling.

[karen43]

I have been doubting myself here lately. As we all know I slipped up a couple of times last week and talked to H about R....begging to do MC.

Oh, Brokenhearted, please don't doubt yourself! We all slip up!!! (Ok, except maybe for Puppy)! I think I slip up almost every week, but overall I have improved a lot from the mess that I was when I first came here. I think in DR it says something like 2 or 3 steps forward, and then one step back (something like that) but the point being that we all make mistakes but as long as you are generally progressing and improving, then you are doing great!

I am doing NC, going completely dark. In fact when he came to pick up S for weekend visitation, I had my B meet him instead of me. Should I keep doing this until he contacts me? Chances are he is not going to contact me at all unless it is with a one line email about scheduling son.

I know I need to appear strong and confident so that he will see what he is missing. I am not at that point yet. My thoughts are that if I do the NC until I come to a better place then I can act AS IF when we do the hand off of son.

I think I am basically in agreement with what you are doing! I think you are saying when you aren't feeling strong, that you are limiting contact which is good. But I do think that short limited contact is ok if you are in a strong, positive mood. I do see my H briefly for a few minutes a time like twice a week (I try to end the talk first, etc). But the rest of the time I try not to email. Although when you have kids, I still wind up emailing once or twice or H emails me re: the kids or visitation and we email or talk about bills a bit too, but just briefly, and I keep them joky and friendly. I am happy & friendly when I do see H (not like H is my best friend, but friendly and happy like I am with everyone.)

Does this really work? So many past here have asked this same question, and so many people here are still hurting. It just really seems like the majority of people end up D. Sometimes I get even more sad after being here.

There are some R success stories here, gforce is doing well lately and I have seen some others (like saffie, Joie, and others) since I have been here a little while now. Those that move on to piecing or whatever don't post as much as us that are still in the trenches or whatever, but occasionally post and it is always great to hear from them! So try not to get too sad!

I think the important thing about being here and DBing is that we probably are more attractive to our WAS when we are feeling confident, strong, and happy than if we are teary, depressed types (like I was when I first got here). And even if they ultimately decide they want divorce, we know we have done everything possible to work on our marriage and save it, so can feel good about that. And I do think that all the work we do on ourselves will make us have a healthier R in the future, maybe with our WAS, but if not then with someone else! Karen

[No Longer BH]

I know in my heart that if I end up D it's because my H was still to broken to give love. What does that say about the type of R he is having w OW? He left because he hated himself, but then decided it was easier to find blame than to heal. Most of the time I walk around having forgiven my H for what he has done becasue he is so broken and that gives me some peace. The worst part is the dreams at night. I wake up crying becasue I keep having these dreams where all is wonderful betweenus again. Every morning is a crushing blow. I really hate it.

I know there are success stories. And I'm trying not to feel so down lately. Sometimes this burden we carry just gets so heavy. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if by coming here and posting if I am keeping a dead dream alive and not allowing myself closer. I REALLY want to have hope but is it costing me too much? It just seems that the numbers are stacked against us, most dont come back.

What I'm trying to do now is just think to myself that he is not coming back and I have to move on. If he changes his mind, then I would love to work on us. It's just soooo hard to take this path, especially when all you ever dream of is having their arms around you again.

Once again, sorry for my ramblings. I just needed some place to get it out.

[karen43]

I know in my heart that if I end up D it's because my H was still to broken to give love. What does that say about the type of R he is having w OW?

Yep, I think most of our WAS are dysfunctional and messed up. Plus the OP are just as messed up & dysfunctional, if not more so, or they would not be having affairs with married men (and some with children). That's why they have statistics like 90% of these affairs don't last, which makes sense. Plus, add in the whole fantasyland type of thinking that the WAS that they will have a perfect life without us which is not ever going to happen.

The worst part is the dreams at night. I wake up crying becasue I keep having these dreams where all is wonderful betweenus again. Every morning is a crushing blow. I really hate it.

I have the dreams too. Although night before last, the 2 dreams I had were of me moving on and finding new love, a man that was nice and caring. I woke up really happy actually! I think some of that just comes with time and working on detaching.

I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if by coming here and posting if I am keeping a dead dream alive and not allowing myself closer. I REALLY want to have hope but is it costing me too much? It just seems that the numbers are stacked against us, most dont come back.

What I'm trying to do now is just think to myself that he is not coming back and I have to move on. If he changes his mind, then I would love to work on us. It's just soooo hard to take this path, especially when all you ever dream of is having their arms around you again.

I think part of the process just takes time, no matter what you do you have to go through some pain. Posting here makes me feel better, see my friends here who know what I'm going through, plus I am only totally honest with my DB friends about how I feel about stuff which I think is good for me. But if it isn't like that for you and you are just having pain and sadness when you come here, maybe you should take a break from the boards here.

I think you are having a good attitude, detaching is good for you and realizing that you will still be OK no matter what happens. And I do like having hope, b/c sometimes it gets me through the day. I don't see anything wrong with being a hopeful, optimistic person! Karen

[imLIN]

I will interject something here...no matter if we reconcile or move on we are still going through a grieving process...by working on you to better yourself...by hoping that maybe one day you can work with H on an improved marriage is all part of the process...when I was where you are now I wanted so much to "feel loved again"...it is a human NEED...but what many fail to realize is that during this same time we really are not in a position to give our love to someone else...we need to give that love to ourself...and we need to realize that our spouse is not the ONLY person who loves us...we have our Creator (if you believe in God)...we have our family...we have our friends...

The whole matter of DB'ing is not manipulating things to get our spouses back...it is working on ourselves to make us a more desirable friend, sister, daughter, and hopefully wife again...in the process we learn about ourself more...we learn about others more...we gain strength so that IF our spouse doesn't return we are still living a happy life...part of this many of us is realizing that we can and always should have had a life apart from our mate...to learn that it doesn't take someone else to make us complete!...we need to be complete within ourself...happy, content...so many of us, especially women become so identified in our roles of mom and wife that we forget ourself!...and that makes us a target for strained M/R's...
vulnerable...weak...unattractive...needy...desperate...

Do you see where I am going here???

I felt so much like you when all this happened...we all did...some of us did repair things, in time...usually a very long time...an amount we thought we could never survive alone...and those that didn't have spouses return realized they were OK and they were going to make it on their own...that they were happy...this is a process to help US

Take care....Lin

[No Longer BH]

I found this post on another board and thought it might help people hee. It helped me after reading it:

THE MYTH OF HAPPINESS


More than any other element of the midlife transition we hear these words more than any other, “I am unhappy”. No other area is this heard more than in Marriages that have often survived or thrived for two decades or more. Why is the element of happiness the critical issue so many of us face in mid-life?

Very often a spouse entering a midlife transition on the verge of crisis has been assessing their life and the issue of personal happiness in the marriage becomes forefront in their assessment. A spouse may hear these words, “I have been unhappy in our marriage for two years” and the number of years increases as more time is given to the assessment. More often than not there is blame cast upon the spouse for their lack of happiness. Why?

Somewhere in our assessment we begin to miss a very vital factor. This factor is of utmost importance for us to understand. This factor is that failure to be happy is my own problem.

Dr. Henry Cloud indicates that “Many couples are swept up in the fantasy that happiness is the supreme goal of marriage.” He continues, “But in reality, happiness is not a good goal for life or marriage. A much better goal is growth, and one of the by-products is happiness.”

The happiness myth is in that we very often rely upon our spouse to provide the happiness we seek in our marriage. The reality is that by so doing we are really giving them too much power over our own wellbeing; power that they do not have. Our own happiness is our own responsibility. There is much danger to our selves in making another person responsible for our own happiness. It causes us to waiver in our decisions, to be moved by feelings more than facts, and creates a dependency upon the other that they were never intended to carry.

Reassess today whether you have been depending on the other for your personal happiness. Think deeply about this. Do you find yourself reacting to that person rather than responding out of personal character? Do you find that your mood shifts in keeping with their actions toward you? Do you find that you are making your life-decisions based on your appraisal of how the other is making you feel?

Ask if your marriage is burdened with the “happiness myth”. Has one of you been expecting the other to make him happy and fulfilled? Also, is one of you blaming the other for her unhappiness?

If this “happiness fantasy” is alive and well in your marriage, agree today (agree together if possible) that the fantasy must die so that real love can live.

The far nobler goal of life and marriage is the goal of “growth” than the fleeting goal of “happiness”. At the end of the day, growth, both personal and together, will produce the happiness you long for.
Bust the MYTH of “Happiness” today!

[No Longer BH]

Ok, here is an update of my weekend. I was feeling pretty down and out a couple of times while I posted here last. I think we all go through this. My B forced my to get out of the house this weekend and go and see Prince Caspian and Indie Jones. I really enjoyed both films and found myself smiling again.

I knew H was bringing S back today around 6 so I made sure to wear a shirt that was from one of our best vacations we took together and it looks good on me. Plus I put on a little bit of makeup and had my hair looking very nice. They get here a little early and H will not even look at me. Talks to me like he has a chip on his shoulder. Tells me that we need to talk about our custody arrangment. I told him I was very open and I thought it was important that S had time with his dad. He said he would email his thoughts then ran out of there as fast as he could.

I emailed him that I was not trying to control the situations, that I truly wanted us to come to a common ground and that I looked forward to hearing what his ideas were. I also asked him (get ready for the 2x4's) if he hated me now because whenever he talks to me or sees me there is so much anger.

He replied that he could never hate me, but there is so much anger towards me inside of him. He didnt want to go into it becasue he was trying to wind down for the evening (typical responce when emotions are involved). He said he would email me some of the things that he was anger with me about. I know what this email is going to say: I had no right to take son away, I had no right to tell family about A, and I am trying to manipulate him to get what I want. <Sigh> I guess I asked for it so we will see if I am right.

Despite how he acted towards me, I am not torn up inside. I feel like today was a more peaceful day and I can walk this path after all.

[imLIN]

H has a right to his feelings...not that you have to agree with them...
I would agree that telling his family was probably not the best course of action and if you feel it warranted you can appologize if he brings it up...otherwise...just be careful in the future...

Since you acknowledge that H is upset about the distance you have created by taking son away is it possible that you could move closer?...could he help you with expenses?...I can understand with gas prices how they are that being 2 hours away and making that drive could get expensive and tiring...

But I will admit...my H moved away...and rarely came to visit our S who was 9 when he left...most of the time I preferred it that way...but at the same time I felt bad for my son because he lost his dad...just like I lost my H...it is a hard road...do what you can to work on closing that gap...especially the ones that H is most upset with...this will show a spirit of cooperation on your part...without appearing manipulating...

And you are right...stop asking about his reactions to you...it is hard...but usually nothing good comes it for us...I know I went through this often...when we finally reconciled I was able to find out a lot more answers...and more honest ones...because he was blaming me a lot when he left when in fact it was his own internal anger that was really what was eating him...had very little to do with me...

Lin