He left then Cheated ---Now What???

[karen43]

I have been doubting myself here lately. As we all know I slipped up a couple of times last week and talked to H about R....begging to do MC.

Oh, Brokenhearted, please don't doubt yourself! We all slip up!!! (Ok, except maybe for Puppy)! I think I slip up almost every week, but overall I have improved a lot from the mess that I was when I first came here. I think in DR it says something like 2 or 3 steps forward, and then one step back (something like that) but the point being that we all make mistakes but as long as you are generally progressing and improving, then you are doing great!

I am doing NC, going completely dark. In fact when he came to pick up S for weekend visitation, I had my B meet him instead of me. Should I keep doing this until he contacts me? Chances are he is not going to contact me at all unless it is with a one line email about scheduling son.

I know I need to appear strong and confident so that he will see what he is missing. I am not at that point yet. My thoughts are that if I do the NC until I come to a better place then I can act AS IF when we do the hand off of son.

I think I am basically in agreement with what you are doing! I think you are saying when you aren't feeling strong, that you are limiting contact which is good. But I do think that short limited contact is ok if you are in a strong, positive mood. I do see my H briefly for a few minutes a time like twice a week (I try to end the talk first, etc). But the rest of the time I try not to email. Although when you have kids, I still wind up emailing once or twice or H emails me re: the kids or visitation and we email or talk about bills a bit too, but just briefly, and I keep them joky and friendly. I am happy & friendly when I do see H (not like H is my best friend, but friendly and happy like I am with everyone.)

Does this really work? So many past here have asked this same question, and so many people here are still hurting. It just really seems like the majority of people end up D. Sometimes I get even more sad after being here.

There are some R success stories here, gforce is doing well lately and I have seen some others (like saffie, Joie, and others) since I have been here a little while now. Those that move on to piecing or whatever don't post as much as us that are still in the trenches or whatever, but occasionally post and it is always great to hear from them! So try not to get too sad!

I think the important thing about being here and DBing is that we probably are more attractive to our WAS when we are feeling confident, strong, and happy than if we are teary, depressed types (like I was when I first got here). And even if they ultimately decide they want divorce, we know we have done everything possible to work on our marriage and save it, so can feel good about that. And I do think that all the work we do on ourselves will make us have a healthier R in the future, maybe with our WAS, but if not then with someone else! Karen