Onward and upward

[mishka422]

Well, that was an awful experience but one I think we needed to have. I don't know what the heck is going to happen next but I know I'm exhausted from our talk.

I asked H specifically what he wants. He said he doesn't know. He doesn't feel the same spark anymore and he doesn't think we can get it back especially after what he has done. I rehashed the whole "I forgive you" crap that still doesn't believe but it really is true, I'm just sick of saying it. He said he doesn't think we could ever work our M out and he could never face my family or friends again after what they know he did. He told me about running into my cousin at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and how uncomfortable he felt the whole time with them sitting right across from him. I asked him if they said hello to him and he said they did but he felt like they were judging him. Ummmmm.....yeah.....since you were there with OW and NOT your wife....duh! I didn't say this to him, I just let him keep talking. He told me that he still cares about me and loves me, just not the way a husband should. He also told me that over the last few weeks he has been thinking about coming home but he just doesn't think he could do it.

I pointed out to him that it's not necessary for him to come home for us to work on our marriage. He could go live with a friend, just as long as he gets out of OW place. He is filled with a lot of shame for the A. How does he expect to have a R with her that is any good based on the shame he feels? He told me he is happy and content with her and he loves her. Well then, that is just great! He loves her, is happy with her, but then again has been thinking about coming home. WTF???

He told me he didn't want to come home and then leave again and hurt me all over again. I told him that there would be quite a few conditions for him coming home to protect myself and him really and we could hammer those out if he chose to do so.

He still has no clue what he wants. I asked him when he looks inside what does he see? He said he sees nothing. He has no opinion of himself at all other than he's a stupid dumb ass who screwed up his life and everyone elses. I told him that I was sad for him that he had no self worth. I thought I should tell him the good qualities that I have always seen in him that seem to have disappeared lately.

Courageous spirit
compassionate
loving
core of steel
humorous

He said he still laughs and jokes and I told him I know he does but the laughter never reaches his eyes anymore.

This conversation went on for about 30 minutes in the front seat of his car with OW's sunglasses hanging over my head! AARRGGGHH!!!

H told me that if he left her to come home and it didn't work out where would he go then? He can't afford a place on his own and OW told him that if he left her again she wouldn't take him back. He asked me why I would. I'm your wife and the mother of your child. We have 18 years invested and I would hate to see all of that go to waste without a real fight.

He said he had to go. We were both crying and I reached over and touched his face and told him I loved him and goodbye.

I'm not going to contact him at all. I'll talk to him if he contacts me but no other way.