Well, that was an awful experience but one I think we needed to have. I don't know what the heck is going to happen next but I know I'm exhausted from our talk.
I asked H specifically what he wants. He said he doesn't know. He doesn't feel the same spark anymore and he doesn't think we can get it back especially after what he has done. I rehashed the whole "I forgive you" crap that still doesn't believe but it really is true, I'm just sick of saying it. He said he doesn't think we could ever work our M out and he could never face my family or friends again after what they know he did. He told me about running into my cousin at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and how uncomfortable he felt the whole time with them sitting right across from him. I asked him if they said hello to him and he said they did but he felt like they were judging him. Ummmmm.....yeah.....since you were there with OW and NOT your wife....duh! I didn't say this to him, I just let him keep talking. He told me that he still cares about me and loves me, just not the way a husband should. He also told me that over the last few weeks he has been thinking about coming home but he just doesn't think he could do it.
I pointed out to him that it's not necessary for him to come home for us to work on our marriage. He could go live with a friend, just as long as he gets out of OW place. He is filled with a lot of shame for the A. How does he expect to have a R with her that is any good based on the shame he feels? He told me he is happy and content with her and he loves her. Well then, that is just great! He loves her, is happy with her, but then again has been thinking about coming home. WTF???
He told me he didn't want to come home and then leave again and hurt me all over again. I told him that there would be quite a few conditions for him coming home to protect myself and him really and we could hammer those out if he chose to do so.
He still has no clue what he wants. I asked him when he looks inside what does he see? He said he sees nothing. He has no opinion of himself at all other than he's a stupid dumb ass who screwed up his life and everyone elses. I told him that I was sad for him that he had no self worth. I thought I should tell him the good qualities that I have always seen in him that seem to have disappeared lately.
Courageous spirit compassionate loving core of steel humorous
He said he still laughs and jokes and I told him I know he does but the laughter never reaches his eyes anymore.
This conversation went on for about 30 minutes in the front seat of his car with OW's sunglasses hanging over my head! AARRGGGHH!!!
H told me that if he left her to come home and it didn't work out where would he go then? He can't afford a place on his own and OW told him that if he left her again she wouldn't take him back. He asked me why I would. I'm your wife and the mother of your child. We have 18 years invested and I would hate to see all of that go to waste without a real fight.
He said he had to go. We were both crying and I reached over and touched his face and told him I loved him and goodbye.
I'm not going to contact him at all. I'll talk to him if he contacts me but no other way.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, that sounds like fun! Now you need to stop talking to him. He knows where you stand, and how you feel. It's up to him now. Now it's a matter of how long you wait, and you are in control of that.
Originally Posted By: mishka422
This conversation went on for about 30 minutes in the front seat of his car with OW's sunglasses hanging over my head! AARRGGGHH!!!
So, why didn't you sit on them?
Originally Posted By: mishka422
H told me that if he left her to come home and it didn't work out where would he go then? He can't afford a place on his own and OW told him that if he left her again she wouldn't take him back. He asked me why I would. I'm your wife and the mother of your child. We have 18 years invested and I would hate to see all of that go to waste without a real fight.
I don't think he understands this right now.
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I'm not going to contact him at all. I'll talk to him if he contacts me but no other way.
Thank you guys. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm focusing on me and my son. That is all that matters in the world truly.
Every morning I have a daily devotion from a book by Joyce Meyer. I don't know if any of you have ever read her stuff. She's a Christian author and speaker and an amazing woman. The devotion book is called "Starting Your Day Right". Today was really inspiring and I thought I would share a bit of it with you all. We can all use a nudge of encouragement, couldn't we?
Enjoy Your Life
"Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily from the soul, as something done for the Lord and not for men, knowing with all certainty that it is from the Lord and not from men that you will receive the inheritance which is your real reward." Colossians 3:23-24
Jesus died so that you can enjoy abundant life, not just the days you are off work or on vcacation or when you get to go shopping or golfing - but every day of your life.
He wants you to enjoy going to the grocery store. He wants you to enjoy driving the kids to school. He wants you to enjoy paying the bills. He wants you to enjoy cleaning the house or mowing the yard.
You can enjoy life if you determine to do so. Say, "I am going to enjoy every aspect of my life, because Jesus died so that I could have joy unspeakable and full of glory."
That was exactly the words I needed this morning. I'm so tired of feeling like I trudging through life with a huge burden on my back. I let go of the burden, turned it over to the One who will bring me through this time, and go on with joy in everything else I do.
I hope you all find true JOY today and everyday of your lives. You all are a true blessing to me. I don't know where I would be right now without the support of the people on these boards. I don't feel alone or like a total outcast anymore. Thank you all.
((((((((Jeff))))))))))(((((((((Michelle))))))))))
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Jeff - I SO wanted to pull those glasses down from the visor and break them in half and throw them in the back seat but I refrained. What good would that do? It would just piss him off and give OW ammunition.
Hope your Sunday is excellent! I'm off to get ready for church and then I'm running to the store to get the ingredients to make a low country boil this afternoon. Going to my cousin's house after church for "the boil and broil". That would be the low country boil and the broil is laying by the pool in the sun cooking ourselves!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well Mishka at least your h is talking and telling you how he is feeling, then you can process the information.
Sounds like he is stuck and confused on what to do. Now you just need to back off and forget the talks now. He is not telling you anything you want to hear and he is only hearing what you want him to do, not necessarily what he wants for his life.
Hmmm it was interesting that he was contemplating coming home.
Have faith!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hey there all! I'm back from the boil and broil. I didn't do much broiling though. It was so hot that I couldn't stand to be outside more than a few minutes at a time. All the kids were in the pool so I didn't get in there until after 7pm when they got out and it was calm again. I say kids but I'm not talking little ones, I'm talking teenagers. All boys, all 16-19 years old. Heavens, when did 18-19 year olds start being so ripped? Ok, bad thought. I think the lack of sex is getting to my brain in a VERY bad way today! Oh well, it doesn't hurt to look!
Glam - thank you so much for your post. I am backing off completely now. I got my part out and he knows where I stand. What he decides to do with that is his issue now. He said that he knows if he came home it would never be the same. He's so stuck on that, he's convinced himself of it. The idea that it could be better than it ever was if he would come into it with an open mind and heart is completely beyond him.
I will not contact him for anything other than an emergency. I won't chat with him unless he initiates a chatty conversation. I won't bring up our R again at all. I asked for his forgiveness for my part and that was all I wanted to do. It was for me, not for him. I felt I needed to let go of that guilt and I have now.
He's on his own.
He told me that he is taking 2 weeks off starting the 20th because OW is having surgery. No idea what for. The first thought that popped into my head when he said that was that if I had to have surgery, who would take care of me? That's a really terrifying though. H would NEVER take time off to stay with me for any reason. I would have to be dying before he would have considered it. He would think it was a waste of vacation time. WTF??? That totally pissed me off!
It was interesting that he was contemplating coming home but he has done that twice before, came home and left again, and I won't let him do it again without building our R some first. I told him that working on our M didn't have to include his moving home. He could go live with a buddy or take a room in someone's house. He won't do that. So, as far as I'm concerned, there is no chance. He has to break everything off with OW before I would ever consider taking him back again. I've been down that road and I won't do it again. Not just for my sanity, but for my son. I can't let H do that to him again.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
No word from H yesterday at all. No text, no call to me or S13, nothing.
Today, I'm sitting here at my desk and I get a text from H saying he is taking S13 to lunch. I responded with OK and that is all. He didn't say anything else. Last week he invited me to lunch with them. Not today.
I blew it hugely apparently. I'm just waiting for the D papers now. I now my H and he will decide I gave him a "put up or shut up" kind of speech even though that is NOT what was said at all. He twists everything I say around so I'm pretty sure I'm done for.
I guess alone isn't so bad. Better than M and feeling unloved by the one you love more than your own life.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
He's in the "I don't know" phase. I think that means anything he says or does has somewhere between 0 and 6 meanings, and none of them are probably real. Just be still. Maybe, just maybe, you made him think.
When they want to twist what you say, there's not a thing you can do about it. They have to make anything you do, or say, fit the picture they have in their head. There are not enough brain cells working for them to actually consider that may not be reality.
