First things first, thank you for the words Bean. I can still see the right path, just having a hell of a time staying on it.
I said I am tired, I am. Not in the general sense, more in the fighter sense of the word. I have not been getting my rest between rounds and the cuts are all over my face and impairing my vision. (I know you love boxing metaphors )
Some of you will read this and understand, some will not.
I am tired of being a single dad. The work is never ending and the successes are not as easy to come by as the one's when it was two of us. I am not saying I am tired of my kids. I adore my children, they are and have been the reason that I was able to keep fighting. I am simply overwhelmed at times with all that it entails to be a dad. It is not an easy job and the pay is hard to measure at times.
Lissie you are dead on about how I do things. I maintain that management style in my home as well and I do so much better with measurable results and obtainable goals. The weeks that I have my son, I am physically worn out by the time he goes home on Sunday nights. Every other Sunday I feel the guilt of being relieved that he is going back with his mom. I used to hate when he went back to her, I used to hate facing the fact that he would not be with me for 7 days.
It seems like all I do is clean my house, do laundry, pay bills. It seems like there is no time for anything else in life. It feels like I am so fricken old. I hate this feeling.
Hope told me that I am doing some things in my life because they make me feel younger. She is dead on. They do make me feel younger, the give me energy and a sense of youth.
Here comes the flat out honesty part and many of you know I kind of struggle with that sometimes. I am dating a girl. She is significantly younger than I am.....significantly. I do not feel like it will ever go anywhere, I am however enjoying the energy that comes with dating someone younger. She knows my situation, I have been as upfront as possible about us and what I am looking for and not looking for. I know that just saying it doesn't mean that a connection won't be made and someone could end up being hurt by it.
And that ladies and gentlemen is the big white elephant. It sits out there and makes me feel like I have two separate lives. I have one week where I am a full time dad, and then another week where I am a free man and do as I please. It is kind of conflicting because I am very big on stability in my life and this is about as unstable as things have been for me.
My son knows nothing about it, my D14 is smarter than that and knows something is up. She says that I am a different person from week to week. I cling to it because it is like having time to forget about everything. Every other week I have 3 days to myself, I have time to date and have fun. When I am doing this I don't even think about what is going on with STBX, I do not allow that part of my life to exist during these "free" times.
It is very difficult to see right and wrong right now. I read this:
Quote:
I remember, b/c I use to swell up with pride, b/c my muffin was helping someone stay focused, and you were helping them make the better decision. A decision that in the long run, saved them and others some heart ache.
And do not know what to think about it because I am like a horse with blinders on right now. The big picture is out there, I just cannot see it today. Maybe I will tomorrow....maybe not.
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