Too late for DB, thread 7

[cw68]

No, no ADs because I don't think I'm depressed. Yes, I'm hitting a down spot in my life, but even as much as I don't like what's going on right now, I don't want to miss my life's emotions. I think of all the wonderfully productive, creative people who have turned negative emotions into art and I don't want to stifle those feelings. That said, I'm not an artist, but living life is something I need to feel. It's like when my sister was diagnosed with cancer the first time. Someone asked her if she ever asked, "Why me?" and her answer was, "No. Did I ever ask 'Why me?' when things were going well?" In as much as things really suck, it's life and I'm prepared to deal with. The downs and the highs will just contribute to my life experiences and will grow my soul.

With the adderall (Jeff, that's what I'm taking), I don't plan on taking it every day. The plan is to learn life skills (benefits of being an adult with ADD vs. child) to help me cope with my shortfalls and to use the adderall when I have big things going on for which I need to be focuses. I'm supposed to take it for three-four weeks to see how my body responses and then stop taking it for weekends. Then I'll only take it every other day and then only when I anticipate needing it. The times I'm on the medication, I can learn the skills and gain the habits that will allow me to best deal with this.

[cw68]

I'm tired tonight, but just wanted to say that this detaching thing is definitely becoming very real and natural. Today I didn't think of H and our situation near as much as I have every day for 10 months. We spent the evening at an end-of-the-year t-ball party and while I was very polite and we spent most of the evening together, I was much less connected with H. Even walked away without hugging him and didn't miss it. In fact, I was righteously angry because my D7 was crying and upset. At that moment I decided to let him completely feel those feelings and not be able to release anything to me.

Right now I'm listening to Eric Hutchinson. Love him. The current song is "Back to Where I Was."

New life decides to come through the front door
and makes us wish we'd shown respect before
though i don't have much of a choice
i resolve to regain my voice

chorus
if i only just begin to understand it that's because
everytime i time i start to change my mind again
it gets me back to where i was

new life decides we never had a clue
the two of us deciding what to do
though my hands are all but tied
i rebound so i can say at least i tried

chorus

and long as i'm allowed i'll change my mind that's what it's for
i'm getting older but i'm still the same i'm just not thinking anymore

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((cwC)))))

That sounds good cw! I really do think it is all about habits. Let me know how it goes!

[cw68]

Man, this Eric Hutchinson is really hitting a lot of my feeling:

"It Hasn't Been Long Enough"


Long as I am erasing this there's something i am bound to miss
opportunities exist but often don't arise
and think of how it must have felt to watch you walk away and melt
i keep it all inside myself and in between my eyes
and it's no surprise what we've become
since the arrival has begun

CHORUS
it hasn't been long enough to even begin to think it's alright
i'm only concerned with the way we end up
i think i've been wrong enough to know when i'm right
so put up fight if you must but we know that our trust is undone
it hasn't been long enough

i feel as if i spoke too soon and ruined the whole afternoon
a feeling that we're more than doomed is creeping up inside
and good as it was bound to be there's something about you and me
it's negative in chemistry which makes it hard to hide
and it's no surprise when lights are falling
it's bound to reawake some primal calling

CHORUS

what's making you believe that the seventh time around is gonna be different
you know i'm not convinced
long as the knot was tied problems always were around
and I'm not any different so i won't listen

[MichelleLT]

(((cw))) You sound good. More like yourself lately.

[cw68]

I am myself. I'm getting to be more myself. Last night when I walked away from H without a hug it was half that I needed to walk away so they didn't see me crying. D7 was crying and upset that she had to go to Dad's, not sleep in her own bed and not with her cat. I couldn't let her see me more upset than she already knew I was. But the other half was that I didn't really want to hug him. He's the one who did that to my D and he doesn't deserve a hug from me to soothe his guilt. Wonder how felt this morning when S5 called me this morning crying because he missed me? I wonder if he felt that the pancakes he was making, the baseball and swimming he planned for them made up for it? I just got more pissed because today I have to mow the lawn and have a ton of house projects since I'm responsible for this myself. I wish I was the one in a 1br apartment sometimes. The kids only have fun with Dad while we spent yesterday doing house chores and creating a "job jar" since I expect them to pick up more duties now that they are older and I'm going to need their help. Luckily my kids rock and think it's fun. And they, even at their young age, realize that they can be there for me.

So screw him. He's either going to see the light or not.

Met a nice man at the party last night. I have no desire to date or anything, but the couple that hosted the tball party were fun. We hadn't spent a lot of time talking before and I really enjoyed them. Their bro-in-law showed up and he was just a nice, funny guy. Turns out his wife was the sister of the mom host. I say was because she lost her battle with breast cancer at 34, seven years ago. The three of us had a pretty long conversation about BC and I could tell that they got a little comfort out of someone relating with them since my sister was first diagnosed at 38. Anyway, bro-in-law was a really happy, yet complex guy. I enjoyed seeing someone a few years down the road from tragedy strong and happy, looking like that had grown from the experience even though you could tell he didn't like it. That's going to be me.

[karen43]

No, no ADs because I don't think I'm depressed. Yes, I'm hitting a down spot in my life, but even as much as I don't like what's going on right now, I don't want to miss my life's emotions. I think of all the wonderfully productive, creative people who have turned negative emotions into art and I don't want to stifle those feelings. That said, I'm not an artist, but living life is something I need to feel.

Hi, CW! I'm new to your thread; I usually hang out in the infidelity section, but now that I'm separated I figured I should check out this section, too! I noticed your post on ADs and wanted to disagree a little. I have not found ADs to make me miss out on my emotion or stifle my feelings but more a return to the personality, feelings, and emotions I used to have pre-depression; I feel more myself than I did with the depression. I felt like the depression actually was preventing me to have the positive feelings I used to have in the past.

I do have more positive than negative feelings now, but still have some down days like everyone else. The thing that is different for me on AD's that I notice is that I used to be depressed long-term, for months at a time. Now when I'm depressed it's for a day, and then the next day I will feel better. I think if an AD is taking away a lot of your emotions and feelings, you probably need to switch to a different one, b/c I know everyone reacts differently to different AD's. That's fine if you don't want to be on them; but just wanted to give a more positive perspective b/c I think they can be very helpful sometimes. Karen

[cw68]

I'm not on ADs and haven't even thought about it really. I don't think I have depression, I just get depressed because of my life's situation. But it's just that, it's a situation. For a while, sure, I lost a lot of my personality, feelings and emotions that I had pre-bomb. At the same time, I gained a whole new bunch of them, both negative and positive. There are definitely people who need them. I'm just not one of them and I think we all have a tendency to look to pills to answer our problems. Perhaps that's what I'm doing with the adderall right now, but I'm not planning on being on it long-term or often. Life is ups and downs and I don't think I'd appreciate the ups as much if I didn't have the major downs with which to compare. Just my two cents.

[cw68]

Why is the whole thing so predictable?

As I've mention, I've been backing off. Not hugging hello or goodbye, but not being unfriendly or anything. Today I worked at our health club and H came by with the kids. When I was finishing my shift, H and kids came to leave. H asked me if I wanted to come over to his apartment for lunch. I accepted and thanked him. We had an uneventful lunch where I spent most of my time tuned to the kids. After lunch H was reading and the kids read me books, after which I said I had to leave to do house chores and yard work. Hugged and kissed the kids goodbye, cheerfully said goodbye to H, no hug or anything.

H just came by to pick up S5's baseball mitt. He went to leave, gave me this sappy look, said, "Goodbye CW68" and lifted his arm to me showing me that he wanted a hug. We hugged, lightly at first and then he hugged me so tightly. I pulled back a little, looked him in the eyes and he kissed me on the lips. Nothing passionate, but there you go. You move, they pull. You pull, the move. Stupid.

AURGH

[cw68]

Journaling... why does this have to happen? Why does this have to be so flipping difficult? Went out with the girls last night. I really thought I had been doing well and was definitely detaching from H more than the reality.

We went to see "Sex in the City" (fun movie) and half the time I was thinking back to when I used to watch the DVDs of the show with my husband. He'd sit on the couch and watch them with me most of the time even though he didn't really like the show. It made me wistful. Love is the theme of the movie and it hurt like little knives. Then we went out to a gay nightclub at which my friend's sister tends bar. Free drinks and lots of dancing without worrying about anyone hitting on you. H and I used to go dancing there back during the days that we had a weekly babysitter. While I definitely had fun and enjoyed being out with my friends, I'm dancing on the dance floor thinking that I would have much rather been sleeping in a bed with my husband in a home with my children. I felt like a 40-yr old fake out there, a loser.

Then this morning H and I started taking about custody. We aren't exactly on the same page though we aren't light years apart either. But he did mention that we should get it in writing. I did well, though, and didn't turn it into a R talk or anything. The only little slip I did was say, "Well, you could choose to end this." and he said, "Yes, I could." In a matter-of-fact way, not with a big sigh or anger or anything.

I was emotional, I just couldn't help it. I tried not to cry, but I just can't when I think about this. Heck I'm tearing up now. Jeff, whether or not this sinks in, we were talking about how hard it is to not be with the kids and I told him that every night when they aren't here and I look in their beds, a little of me dies inside because then I see the reminder that every single night of their lives they are one parent short.

I just want to skip ahead one year and just be there. I don't want to go through this sharp pain, just want to skip to the dull aches.