It's not telling me much of anything besides me being stressed out.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
I have found that when they say the OW has nothing to do with it, it is exactly the opposite.
Yeah, my gut definitely tells me that.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
The problems, however, resurface, and the WAS wonders why. The reason is that the problems themselves were never addressed. You can run away from your problems, but they always follow.
Maybe this is where he is...honestly I thought he hit that point months ago and that was why he wanted to date and why he had broken up with OW. Perhaps not.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
Yesterday was history Tomorrow is a mystery Today is a gift That's why they call it the present
That is great!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I hurt for you too. It is one thing when you have to deal with it on your own level, but another when you see someone else going through the same thing. You want to say all the right things to make the other person feel better.
If your gut is not saying anything right now, don't do anything. You will know when the time is right to act. I have tried going against that feeling, and it has gotten me nowhere fast. Listen to your inner voice, and if it is not speaking, then wait until it does.
(((Michelle)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I wish I could think of something insightful and supportive to say, but I can't, so thought I'd leave a super-hug instead. And a slice of virtual cake....
Yesterday was history Tomorrow is a mystery Today is a gift That's why they call it the present
A little influence from Kung Fu Panda...
My boys and I saw it yesterday, and when I heard this part, I thought to myself, "Hey, I want to post that on my thread. How insightful!"
(((((((Michelle)))))))
Very sorry to hear about all that has transpired this morning.
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
Originally Posted By: LolaL
I have found that when they say the OW has nothing to do with it, it is exactly the opposite.
Yeah, my gut definitely tells me that.
It's certainly a possibility that OW has something to do with this, but remember that she is not the problem. Her "presence" in your M doesn't help, true, but the real issue lies within your H. What THAT is....no one knows. I don't believe your H even truly knows.
Ok, I know waking up this morning to find that IM from your H had to have been pretty awful, but this really sticks out at me:
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
(11:15:47 PM) H: my point is that, I know you've made your point that you don't believe in divorce. I don't either....... at SRP I have to answer questions. and I'd like to answer that I'm separated, if you will sign the forms I sent to you. I'm so sorry things came to this. I don't know how it worked out this way
He doesn't believe in D either - I think that alone is HUGE.
He wants to answer that he is "S'ed"....Well at least he's NOT saying that he wants to be "D'ed".
If he did send you S papers, how do you feel about going through with signing them? A legal S does NOT mean it is over, remember?
I know you said he would get extra money for being S'ed, which you probably would get none of (by his choice of course), but would it be that big of a problem? Yeah, it's not fair and doesn't seem right, but is this something you could let go of for now? For good?
JMHO, but if he wants a legal S, why not give it to him? He's not asking for a D, and I think that's a very positive sign. Of course, you have to get the letter from your Mom and Dad's house first so we know exactly what you're looking at here.
Get the letter, read and think it over, then meet up with H to discuss matters.
Oh, and about H saying you two don't have much in common - the recent dates you've had with each other....What did you guys do? Dinner? Movie? Anything else (besides ML)?
Are there going to be any chances for you two to get together to do something different than the norm before he's deployed? Something new, adventurous, and fun? Hiking, biking, whitewater rafting.....Just throwing out ideas here. Not sure what activities you and H are into.
Think of something that will leave a lasting, GREAT impression of time with you so he has something GOOD to think about while he's away.
(((((((Michelle)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
In fact, when it's time to meet up with your H to talk things over, go someplace you normally wouldn't. Go to the bowling alley and bowl a game or two, play a round of mini-golf, go to the shooting range (you and H are into appreciating guns, right?), or check out an outdoor concert before having the talk.
I don't know. Just some ideas to think about.
(((Michelle)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
We've done dinner, a few movies, listened to music, gone out to a couple bars.
I have been trying to get him to go whitewater rafting with me for years. And he has been saying he'll take me sailing for years. Neither of us own bikes, but I'd be up for hiking. However, I'm not invited when he goes. And as of last night, I'm not allowed to invite him to do anything that could possibly be construed as a date. The ML has been VERY VERY VERY infrequent.
I don't know what I can possibly do that would make a good impression on him at this point other than showing up naked with signed D papers in one hand and beer in the other hand!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well at least you havent lost your sense of humour girl!
I read sugar&spices post and thought, I agree with that. I didnt explain it as well, but I guess let him go.. and then GoingForward summed it up even better.. very insightful post. I didnt spot that - that he said he didnt agree with D either and JUST wants a separation for now.
He is clearly feeling frustrated and concerned about the work issues and wants some clarity and he is under the impression that you wont budge...so a great 180 might be to say ok then..if he asks you for this separation thing? If you let him explain why he wants it so badly, maybe just be giving and loving and agree, if thats what you want, ok. If you love them, set them free... I know its so hard, but you cant make someone love you or stay with you, even if you are M on paper and if its winding him up that much that you wont agree, maybe agree...he may change his mind if you did !?
I dont know, I think we all feel a little like we wish we could help you more.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
The problem is I still don't know what he wants!!! I don't know if he wants the summary dissolution D, the legal S, or what!?! At one point he says its a letter, at another point he says its forms, at one point he mentions S, at another point he says he needs this to be finished so he can have closure. Half of what he said contradicts the other half.
If it's S papers, I probably would go along with that. D papers, not so much.
And who knows WTF will come out of his mouth later this week.
Oh, best yet, his plans for later got canceled, so he just IMd me asking if I want to meet tonight.
No I don't want to meet tonight. I've spent the day laying on the couch watching TV. I haven't cleaned, I haven't showered, and I'd probably throw something at you!
Last edited by MichelleLT; 06/07/0810:39 PM.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
If I were you, I'd want to go NOW and meet him for a bit, just to listen to what he had to say. But tell him you'll think about it, get the letter from your Dads and then meet him later in the week to talk about it. Forewarned is forearmed...
Or.. lie on the couch and eat chocolate...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
The problem is I still don't know what he wants!!! I don't know if he wants the summary dissolution D, the legal S, or what!?!
Stop trying to figure it out. You're just driving yourself up the wall.
Quote:
At one point he says its a letter, at another point he says its forms, at one point he mentions S, at another point he says he needs this to be finished so he can have closure. Half of what he said contradicts the other half.
He said he wanted 'emotional' closure. Perhaps he just wants to KNOW that he's S'ed, and that's all.
If you can go along with the S, good. I know it's not what you really want, but perhaps in your particular sitch, giving your H this legal S wouldn't be a bad idea, as long as you aren't still S'ed 3 years down the line, kwim?
Quote:
Oh, best yet, his plans for later got canceled, so he just IMd me asking if I want to meet tonight.
No I don't want to meet tonight. I've spent the day laying on the couch watching TV. I haven't cleaned, I haven't showered, and I'd probably throw something at you!
Yikes! Breathe deep, Michelle. Breathe DEEP!
If you're not mentally/physically/emotionally "all there", don't meet with him tonight. It would probably be best to wait another day or two, if possible, and after you've had a look at the letter/forms.
(((Michelle)))
Last edited by GoingForward; 06/07/0810:56 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Yikes! Breathe deep, Michelle. Breathe DEEP!