Onward and upward

[mishka422]

You guys are so great. Thank you.

I just did the thing I didn't want to do and now I think I'm going to receive D papers again.

H came to pick up S13. Usually I would just step out and wave to them as they left but I was next door at the neighbor's 3yr old's b-day party when he got here. I went over to say goodbye to my son and H got out of the car. He smelled so good and I told him so. He was wearing the cologne I love. It absolutely turns me on and makes me crazy. GEES! I chatted with him for a few minutes and then told him we really needed to get together to talk about a few things. He said he knew and I told him I wanted to ask him something important but I needed more time than just the few minutes while he was pickin up our son.

H - Well, can you just sum it up?
M - Not really.
H - Well try.
M - Ok. I want to ask for your forgiveness for my part in the disentigration of our M. I know I was not appreciative enough of you and didn't spend enough time with you. Our sex life had suffered a lot as well all because of my preoccupation with my mother's illness and S13's autism.
H - I'm sorry. I'm the one who screwed up the most.
M - I am asking you to forgive me. I'm not asking for an apology from you but I won't turn one down.
H - I don't think you have anything to ask for forgiveness for. You already told me you were sorry for neglecting our R but I'm the one that messed up and left and I can't forgive myself for that and I don't think you can forgive me.
M - I told you I forgive you. I have told you and showed you that I do.
H - I just don't see how that's possible.
M - Then please tell me, if you don't want our M then why don't you file again?
H - Why? If I file are you going to counter?
H - Because if you do then it's just going to cost us more money and take a long time.
M - I told you that I don't want a D but it doesn't really matter what I want. You're the one that doesn't want our M and I'm not going to D me for you.
H - *sigh*
H - I told you I'm sorry and I really screwed up.
M - Then change the behavior. If you are truly remorseful then change things. Move away from her. Don't you have a friend that needs a roomate?
H - - silent -
M - Tell me this. Does she support and uplift you?
H - What do you mean?
M - Does she make you feel like a better person? A new and more appreciated person?
H - We get along really good.
M - Ok. That's not what I asked. If that's how you're going to look at it, ok. That's all I needed to know. Goodbye.
H - *getting in the car w/S13 and sighing*
M - If you're happy now then that's all I want for you and there's nothing I can do.

H left with S13 to go to the "block party" in the city square in the next town over.

Of course, all of this was said through a lot of tears on my part and now I'm sure that I'm going to be getting D papers again soon.

I'm completely dying inside. I am afraid to call any of my friends now because I'm a mess. None of them want to spend time with me anyway it seems. I'm going to lay in my bed and stay there the rest of the afternoon.

So much for using the girls. I don't think he even noticed them.